[Plutonian]

Feeling like tossing in the towel right now and ruining my 20 month streak without cutting. Overpowering urge to cut right now. Or stick myself with needles, something, anything harmful. Caved in on sobriety this past weekend, made it three weeks. Ugh, how inadequate I feel right now. I've failed yet again on maintaining sobriety.

14 years of addiction to self-injury, 8 years of addiction to drugs and no matter how long I go without SI or intoxication, I always seem to relapse sooner or later. I find myself withholding food to feel hunger lately also. If it's not one thing, it's another. I always have some sort of bad habit. Picking at my callouses, tearing the skin off around my nails, biting my lips/tongue/cheeks, scratching myself raw, poking myself with pencils, cutting my nails too short, pulling my hair out, shoving needles through my skin, it goes on and on. Anything to escape from my emotional state, at least for a little while. I find it extremely difficult to face my problems head on. I don't handle stress well. I have so many negative coping mechanisms and I've tried learning positive ones, but I always return to the negative side. The comfort of familiarity, I guess.

But right now, I really just want to grab a knife or piercing needle and drag it across my skin, watch it split, the blood come seeping out. I am in such a terrible mindset right now, so stressed out. Seeing my therapist in the morning, but uggggh, I really don't want to tell her I've broken sobriety so soon what would be worse is breaking an even longer streak without cutting, I have to remind myself of that. But that just makes me want to hurt myself in other ways, less bloody ways. I don't know what to do right now

[Sannah]

Hey Pluto, I hope your session with T helps today. Recovery is not a straight line. There will be slip ups. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

[Plutonian]

Didn't have it in me to tell my T I broke sobriety I just kind of avoided the issue... maybe next week I'll bring it up :\

She has been trying to get me to see a physician the past few weeks, I kept telling her I'd call, make the appointment, but I kept pushing it away. She had me call while I was with her today to set up an appointment... I know I should go get a wellness exam, get assessed for other issues, but I absolutely dread going to physicians... T offered to go with me to my appointment, help make it a little easier for me, lessen the anxiety a little :\ We spent our session today talking about all the anxiety I've been feeling lately, and how it's been building up. Bleh.

I want to spend the day intoxicated, but I am attempting to push the cravings away, I have so much work I need to get done for school, around the house. Keep reminding myself that there are better things to do with my time than intoxication. It seems like after discussing issues with T I feel worse more often than not, the cravings are exacerbated. But usually the feeling subsides after a couple hours, and I feel better. I'm hoping that will be the case today...

[WePow]

I do understand. It is frustrating. It is bad when we would rather have pain in the body than pain in the mind or heart.

[Plutonian]

Physical pain is so much easier for me to accept and get over than mental/emotional pain If I can turn the mental/emotional pain into something more physical, it's almost as if I can take control of the pain and handle it better.

[Sannah]

Did you get some work done?

[Plutonian]

Yea, I finished up editing four papers yesterday for a writing portfolio. Turned the portfolio in today. Went to class last night, did all my homework in class, turned everything in, all I have left to focus on for that class is the final exam. So I did get quite a bit accomplished yesterday, and I'm working on research today for a final report in my writing class. Taking a small break right now, I've managed to get an outline done, found some good sources for references, wrote the introduction to the paper. I'm chugging along, making progress.

I wish I had the same type of motivation to stay sober as I do to get all of my school work completed, though :\ I got a bit intoxicated last night after I stopped working on homework I pushed cravings away for the day, then let it take over once I felt I got enough accomplished. The stress is just piling on at the end of the semester and I am so close to graduation, I need to keep my head clear, but I just let myself cave in to the pressure. Some days are easier than others, yesterday was not one of those easy days. I want to learn how to harness my positive motivation for school and work toward staying sober, I'm not sure how to go about doing that though. I'm not even sure if that's a realistic possibility. To be honest, I'm not even entirely sure what it is that keeps me from cutting anymore. Probably the substitution with drugs, which is something I want to get out of my life, but I feel so powerless

Well... back to research and writing x_x

[Sannah]

So glad that you were able to accomplish so much! Substance abuse and SI are both addictions so all you need is one. I don't think that you can beat addictions with will power alone. I think that you need to tackle the issues that are causing you to need addictions -> your feelings/pain.........

[roads]

It's finals week at my college. Schedules vary but I'm wondering where you are in your term. Have you decided how you want to define sobriety? And whether you're going to consider alcohol a drug?