Admission Makes It Real - Scary

I have been avoiding this area for a long time. I didn't want to admit to myself that I have these thoughts and that I have secretly done so in the past. I was too ashamed. Last week was very difficult and I was having SI thoughts several times a day. So, I had to admit it to my psychologist. He said it is real eventhough I don't want it to be real and it's something we need to deal with.

I've been hiding in DD because DID is my major problem from years of child abuse. Last week, I was having several thoughts throughout the day of SI and it scares me. Why did it come back? Why do those thoughts exist? It's all confusing and scary.

I finally admitted that I did as a teen, maybe as a child, and then as a young adult. No one has ever known. It scares me to put this here because I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me. But, I want to get better and if this is what I have to do, then so be it.

Did I ask a question or was this my statement of admission? T says saying it makes it real and it's time that I made it real because it is real. So, I said it.

But now what? I'm babbling, I know. I'm just scared and a little lost and you people don't even know me (some do from DD). Ugh!

Thanks for listening,
Songbird

If admitting it makes it real, then that has got to be a good thing. If you can keep that as 'real' as it gets without SIing then you have overcome such a major hurdle. So many of us in this forum are covered in scars from years of SIing, and will have them for the rest of our lives. Many see them as trophies, as they have come thru certain stages of their lives that were so difficult; unfortunately I am so ashamed of mine. I hide in long sleeves and socks so much of the time, as I have scars all over my body. Every time I have to go to the dr, or hospital, or for blood tests ppl ask for explanations. It is really hard, if the urge is great, to fight SI, but the rewards of not doing it are so great too. We are told not too worry if it does happen, but just to try even harder to overcome the urge next time. There are SO many wonderful, fantastic, supportive forum that can help you through these times of need. I hope they can help and support you as much as they do for me .
((((((((((Songbird))))))))))

Songbird, please do not feel ashamed. I have SI'd off and on for 30 years. It took me so long to tell a therapist about it because it became a part of me I did not want too lose. Your therapist sounds wonderful since he seems to have some understanding on it which can make all the difference in the world. You took a huge step in the right direction to not only admit too your T but to yourself this is going on. I just want you too know you are not alone.
You are strong (((((((((((Songbird)))))))))))))))
Cher

Songbird,

I've been getting to know you from other areas where you have posted too. It is scary admitting things that maybe you would rather were not true, but I agree that it is best to deal with it. We won't judge you here, as we know what it is like.

I hope that you can feel safe here.

Rap

((((((((((((((((((( SongBird ))))))))))))))))))))

warm safe hugs (and no judgement)
Fuzzy

Everyone

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Admission has been difficult and it makes my stomach do flip flops. I guess I just need to go slow. I don't know where I'll go from here. It's confusing and makes me feel bad and worthless. Sorry.

((((((((((((((((SongBird)))))))))))))))))))))) I wish you could see how wonderful you are. Hopefully one day you will. I am sorry you feel this way and absolutely no judgement from here. Try and be safe.

Congratulations for being so brave! Only when things are out in the open can they be fixed. you cannot change what you do not acknowledge. I, too, am struggling with resurrected SI feelings, but I'm trying hard to redirect the urges. <font color="blue"> </font>

Hello Sweetpeajr,

Thank you for the support. It is scary and I'm not sure what to do about it. I guess one day at a time. It's nice to meet you. I don't know what to say, just wanted to say hi and thank you, I guess.
Songbird

Rapunzel,

For some strange reason, I do feel safe here. I'm glad to know that I am not alone. I haven't SI'd for quite awhile, my SI comes in different forms, I think, but the thoughts terrify me and I don't want them to be real. But, like you say, admitting it is the beginning to deal with it. Ugh. Another thing to tackle.

Be Gentle,
Songbird

Fuzzy,

You always make me smile. What would the world be without fuzzybear? I'm so glad to have met you.
Songbird

White Bear,

Your words do give me encouragement. No one ever tells me that I'm good. I think that's in my mind and that All-or-Nothing thinking again. I dunno. But, thank you for being you. Your warm thoughts have often made me feel safe.

Songbird

PS: I hope white bears don't like flowers!

Songbird, thats the best way to do it, one day at a time. And keep track of when you start feeling the need too. My T has me journal before and after. Most of the time I don't journal before but I do after....I call that my nurturing time.....If you can focus on journaling when you feel the urges sometimes it can really help stop you from SIing at that moment.
HUGS

cherybery

That's a great idea! Thank you!