Trying to resist...might trigger.

Ok, so I haven't cut for like 2 days. Well, first of all, my parents found out so they are now checking to make sure I don't cut, I really can't, at least not without a huge speech. GRRRRR>>> i'm so sick of this. I want to cut so bad, but I can't I don't want to add another one, cause then my mom will get all upset and stuff. she told me to go talk to her whenever i feel like cutting. year right, what i feel when i want to cut isn't something that i can or want to share with my mother. I want to cut because I'm so damn fat, and ugly, cut away all the fat the stupidness. I hate this. I hate this body, this life, this hand i've been dealt. why the hell am i like this??? why did i have to be like this?? doesn't anyone realize my pain. my parents want and try to understand, but they don't they can't. they're not me. i want to cut away the pain. all the damn pain from everyone and everything. why do people always screw me over? i'm a damn welcome mat! people just [censored] walk all over me, and they don't care. they don't give a [censored] whether i live or die. if i died today they would probably have a [censored] party. "YEAH!! she's gone, that ***** is gone, finally, she should have offed herself years ago.." I'm am just a loser and a freak and so damn stupid and fat and ugly. I can't take it, i need to [censored] cut, but i can't cause i know my mom will see, then there will be the damn questions. the questions that i don't have answers to. no answers, not for me, not for her, not for anyone,because i don't [censored] know anymore. why am i like this? why can't i just get over it. i want to cut, i need to cut. i hate life.

<font color=green>I smile because I have no idea what's going on.</font color=green>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kati}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your mother cares about you enough to be concerned for you. I just found out last month how it can be really uncomfortable to have someone be that concerned about you (my T was - but my mother never understood me well enough to show that kind of concern). I found it touching that someone would care, but it was really uncomfortable too.

Hang in there. You can always come and talk to us here too. It may be up and down, but things will get better.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

I find it interesting that I can crave the attention so much, want it so badly that it hurts but when I get it I want to run away from it and hide in a hole somewhere because it becomes scarey like being swallowed up.
Carrie

To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one's been crueler then I've been to me.
I am sorry to myself, my apologies begin here before everybody else.
I am sorry to myself, for treating me worse then I would anybody else. --Alanis Moresette