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I am not sure if any one in this section of the goup has severe DID like i do, but It turns out that i have a selfharming alter. THis is really scary for me cause when i cut its like i am in a trance like state and I am not aware of my actions.

Anyway it appears at some point t hat i dissociated and I cut with a big knife that i have at home. The only way i know that i cut is that i have the markings on my arm, but yet i felt no pain, and there is still no pain at all. I am completely numb, and i want to cut again. I wanted to scar, and wanted to cut really deep to show to people that i too am deeply deeply hurting, and to show those that dont understand at all that i too have problems. I know this must sound selfish and very very cruel. I dont mean to sound cruel at all.

I am just freaked out to know that i even have a self destructive alter in me. My therapist told me about it. thats how i know i have one.

DO i make any sense at all? or am just jabbering along here. HOpe someone understands. bearhugs.

[Lexicon78]

I thought I was the only one that had this! Thank you for posting this. Although I haven't tranced in a few years, when I have tranced (which used to be several times a day) I'd end up cutting really bad or hanging myself.

So, yes, someone here does know what you're going through.

The only way I stopped trancing was to get out of the situation and away from the people I was near. Please if you are in a bad situation seek help. Mine seemed to be the result of severe abuse that I was receiving.

Hang in there. I know this is really super hard, but you can get through this.

I have DID and I have a cutter memory piece (or more than one) . I sometimes end up cut.

the key to stopping it from happening is to think about when in your lifetime you were a cutter and why.

DID separated pieces of memories come from abuse and are the content of an abuse situation locating that will tell you how to stop it.

once you know that you can pay attention to the trigger that makes you rerun that piece of memory. so that you can us grounding techniques and so on when you encounter that trigger.

If you are like me - amnesiac DID - meaning not co conscious with that piece of memory (alter) - no awareness until you develop the ability to be co conscious with that memory piece - so you have no memory of what the cutting or being cut during an abuse situation is you can still locate your trigger by writing in a journal what you remember right before you dissociated and then noticed the cut.

The last thing remembered before dissociating into a memory piece is your trigger.

Then use grounding techniques, and relaxation techniques when you encounter that trigger/situation again and the cutting will not happen when you are unaware.

[stormgirl]

I have an insider who cuts (and I cut to a lessor degree on rare occassions) and this used to be quite distressing for me. It is still distressing for me, but as both her and I work on it, 'we' cut less and less.

It all began when we were 11 and has evolved from there. Cutting had mutiple levels for us....firstly we would usually be triggered into it, it was usually around feelings of self-hatred, being inadequate and wanting to destroy ourselves and render ourselves uttery useless and used up. We thought that if we bleed our bodies of pain that we would somehow be ok. We really wanted people to see all the pain we carried around because it just didn't seem fair that no one could see.

Sometimes we would cut and cut and cut and it was NEVER enough, we would cut until we felt, which sounds quite bizarre when I write it.

Once we had 'purged' ourselves of all the anger or ugliness we would go into selfcare mode.....and this usually felt pretty good..........then it would be the next day and we would jump in the shower and see the damage that had been done and fall into further self-hatred. It is truly a vicious circle.

It's funny because we really wanted people to see our pain but in RL if anyone see's our pain we put the army out to cause diversion. I worked out that both myself and the insider who cuts really want to be noticed, we want to be taken care of and to be listened to and believed. We want people to see our pain and acknowledge that we went through some things that a kid should never have to go through.........knowing what we need takes us half way towards being able to find it.

I HATE the fact that we self harm and I loathe the shame that goes hand in hand with it.

[cherybery]

Your not alone! I too do this ALOT. My T was the one who caught it. It can be pretty scary. At one point I thought I was doing it as a form of control upon myself now I numb out and have no idea I have or even the reason as too why. If you ever need to talk PM me.
HUGS
Cher

[Lexicon78]

I can only remember one thing about my trances...well actually a few things. I'd be hurt or something and then I'd start to rock, sometimes I'd rock really hard. That was the beginning. Then I remember feeling this meanness...not anger but how I think I serial killer would feel or something. Just feeling like I am extremely mean. I wouldn't remember doing anything, but that feeling of meanness was the kicker. I'd remember that. Then when I'd come out of the trance is when I knew what I'd done during the trance.

[wisewoman]

Hmm, this all sounds very familar to me. I hope that you can get in touch with what is triggering it so you can have more control. I know it is a long row but-it's the only row to hoe.