[PlanningtoLive]

Today was my day with my pdoc. I have been under some extra stress due to the landlord issue. Not quite sure what is going on there, or what will. Have been checking out the ads.

Anyway, within the last two weeks, I had attempted to end my journey (being careful here with phrasing) twice - while my T was on vacation.

It wasn't because of that esp. since we talked almost everyday, the poor man. He happened to catch me one time on the phone slurring my words and sounding very groggy. Needless to say, what should have happened, didn't - just made me extremely sleepy. After that, it was check-in time every day.

A few days ago, my left wrist developed (?) some cuts as did the palm of my hand. Yesterday I had believed that they were all infected as the area was very hot to the touch, painful, red, and leaking clear fluid. I called my pdoc's office, and he wasn't there. His nurse, whom I know quite well by now, wanted me to go to urgent care to make sure - I refused.

Anyway, I went today and thankfully the marks are not infected. I also had him check out my right hand, little finger, which got slammed with a wrench recently right on the knuckle - the one in the middle of the finger. It bruised and got a little swollen, but since I could still move it, I figured it wasn't broken; however, the joint still is causing me a great deal of pain. You all know how it got hurt, I'm sure I don't need to spell it out.

Anyway, my pdoc took an xray of it, and again, thankfully no fractures at all. He told me that the capsule around the joint was injured and that wouldn't show up on the xrays but would heal in time. I am lucky enough to have a good rapport with my pdoc as well, not as much one-on-one as with my T but still good............so, I figured I would finally tell someone about the bruises on my legs, mostly the right one.

He was, ummmm, upset when he saw all of them. He checked out my breathing and my ears......I couldn't understand why the extra attention today, but I know that I am paranoid most of the time. He asked me when I see my T again, which is tomorrow morning, and then told me that they both care about me. Something still feels like there are undercurrents here, but I don't know what yet.

My T had sent him an email regarding my unsuccessful attempts. Hence my meds are slightly regulated now in terms of how many in a prescription.

Then while I am there, which took longer because of the xrays, my husband calls and says, "where the ***** are you. Your appt. was at 1pm. What the h*ll are you doing?" [sigh]
I explained what was happening, reminded him of the wrench incident (oh, yeah.......he says...grrrrrrrrr) and said that I would call when leaving.

Add all that to my back pain, extensive hours at work, and juggling housing problems now and his mood swings.......and I'm ready to explode. I had called my T yesterday about possibly looking at my hand to see about infection and he couldn't because he can't practice medicine.

I'm going to build myself an insulated hole in the ground, sound proof it, and go in there and scream till I'm hoarse. Then my pdoc asks me why I would try such a thing, and twice (my unsucessful attempts). I looked at him and said, "what do you mean, why???" After seeing the bruises he said, "every day is an adventure for you, isn't it?". I said yep, really makes getting up in the morning worthwhile.

Now in the morning I see my T, who will of course want to see my hand. It's all so pointless, really.

We went to McDonalds tonight and my husband had a cassette in playing songs that we used to dance to when we were first dating. It tossed me back to then, 9 years ago when I was so much different. My g*d, what has become of my life, of me???? Everything is so incredibly different - it even looks foreign.

Time to go find my shovel.........

Mary Alice

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm glad we got to chat. Wish you could leave that %$^*& who keeps hurting you. Things can get better - I wish you could believe that.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[PlanningtoLive]

Wendy, I'm really glad that I have gotten to know you and that we are friends. I will never forget all your kindness and support.

And unless someone gets a gun, like my pdoc asked me, "want me to hire someone and knock him off?".......lol, he will not change. He isn't the person I met so long ago, but then again, neither am I.

xoxoxoxox

Mary Alice

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}

Let us know how your appt goes with your T today ok?

I may just be getting ahead of myself but I am sensing some wonderful changes coming for you? I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason (whatever those reasons are I am not sure ) but.....I am sensing them.

Keep looking for a new place....think of it as your new fresh start with Alex. Let us know what we can do from here ok? We have some savvy searchers here and we can do some looking for you if you want too ok?

You are such an inspiration.


Heather

[lost_as_always]

not that i am good at this kinda stuff but i thought i should say something. this way i show support by posting and trying to lift spirits. so (insert witty comment here) and one super sized support.

when my ship ran out of fuel i burned the things that made it pretty when i ran out of that i burned the things i loved when i ran out of that i burned willpower to keep me moving. its not a pretty ship but it still moves.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sis}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My appt. started out funny actually. Usually I am there ahead of him, but he told me that he had already been in the office in staff meetings for the last two hours dealing with cranky employees.

I warned him right off - I was frustrated, angry, and hostile and it wouldn't be a nice chat. He of course asked me why I felt all of the above.......I detailed some of it, but not all. Didn't ask to see my hand, or anything.

We talked about whether my feelings of anger and what I was going to do with them........that one confused me slightly, but we talked about it. As I said, I dislike people pushing me for answers, invading my space..........if I want to give info, I do; otherwise, back off. My T says he already knew that one....lol.

It was a pointless session actually - from my viewpoint. I go next week again - I should just cancel. I was so tired afterwards and knew I was in no shape to drive (about a 40 mile trip one way) and I needed to lay down and sleep.

I wandered into the lobby and sat down and dozed, but then people started looking at me funny, so I ended up going into the handicapped restroom (yes, I am serious) and just sitting down..............I fell asleep in there for an hour, in an upright position...........lol.

It was enough of a nap to get me home here, and then people were crawling around fixing things.

As long as rent is paid, the landlord should settle down, although all these repairs will cost him a fortune. I hate change, and the thought of it really bugs me.

I know you'll help if need be, ty.........I'm still searching the classifieds for a house. I'm on overload these days and don't really care about much - doesn't seem to be much purpose in caring, just more stress.

Hun, you need to find a better inspiration than someone who is barely hanging on.........but ty for the compliment.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{Lost}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} just the thought is enough. Thank you.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice / Sis}}}}}}}}}}}

(I Love being called your Sis )

I am trying not to laugh here but I am picturing you sitting in an upright position sleeping in the bathroom....you poor thing.... you must be totally exhausted. I did that at the emergency room last month...fell sound asleep and the nurses had a little chuckle at my snoring ...I was like snore? me? My bf said it was a good thing that I didn't start singing as I have a tendancy to do that in my sleep too .

Yes you are an inspiration to me and many others. Look at how far you have come......yes you are hanging on but sweetie.....if that isn't inspiring I don't know what is.


Heather

[PlanningtoLive]

I'm glad I finally have one, I always thought one was lurking around..........lol.

Yes, just sat down in the handicapped one, seat down, and head back..........gone in minutes. I knew if I had laid down out in the lobby, my T would have been out there checking on me, I've had enough questions for awhile.

Then since I was so restless, past the exhaustion stage where I couldn't unwind, I moved furniture tonight. Talk about stupid..........geez, my body is calling me every nasty word it can think of.

Tomorrow my District Manager will be there, and it will be with two other VIPs, so my day will be lovely. And of course, I was stupid and called him a few days to reserve time to talk to him about some issues at work (my boss, the GM is probably messing around with the female employees) but I've decided that keeping my mouth shut is more important than my anger at his unprofessionalism. One of those times I should have thought before acting.

As for the other, didn't you realize the signs on my back - KICK ME and STUPID ? lol. They are permanently attached.

xoxoxoxoxooxo

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Just a hug. Know I'm thinking of you.

Wendy



<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[PlanningtoLive]

[hugging my other special sis]

Thanks for the thoughts........right now I'm sort of tripping on meds that I had to take for my back, so I'm feeling good........lol.

Have a good night, Wendy. Love you.

xoxoxo

[Rapunzel]

Hey Sis,

(I love having you for a sister too.)

I'm glad you got to feel good, even for just a little while and for whatever reason.

I found this animation and had to share it with you:



<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think that would have worked really well for me today at work, lol. Not a good day at all. Almost turned in my keys and walked out.

No one questions my integrity, honestness. I may need this job, but my own high standards would never permit me to stay if I wasn't trusted.

I sent out my resume again..........so we'll see what happens.

Mary Alice xoxooxoxoxoxooxo

[nightdream]

((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care sweety!

nightdream

[SeptemberMorn]

hehehehe I don't think you'll mind if I borrow it, Wendy. hehehe What a good sister you are! hehehe

Hey, Mary Alice!


<font color=blue>"The winds of change continue rolling and they just carry me away."</font color=blue>

[LadyDragus]

*me hids mary alices shovels spoons and anything else she may dig with.. *****

NO DIGGING !!!!!!! IT is not allowed..
If I can not dig, then you can not dig..

I posted this in the CC but I think you check in here more.. So I am going to post it in here too..
I want you to know I am thinking of you daily, I may not come in here and read, but you know my reasons why too ok..
{{{ if you do not remember pm me and I will tell you ok.. }}}}
I love you mary alice, I do not want you to forget that ok..
I am also going to pm you a new poem.. Love ya lots

<center> <font color=purple>
This day is ours
no one will tell us differntly
we make of it what we want
We can do anything we want
Make us say differnt and we are slaves
This mean depession makes us slaves
Makes us do things we would not normally do
We want to laugh
but all we do is cry
What we do is our's
What we like it ours
What you do is your's
Share if you like
Keep it bottled up, and the deperssion wins again
Throw caution to the wind
Write about what your day has been
put words on paper
Put words in a letter
But share, and the deperssion losses face more and more
This day is ours
This day is yours
Make it what you want
OR Hide and be lonely
Come out Come out
wherever you are hiding
OR looking to see if it safe
This fourm is safe
we will comfort you
we will love you
Our shoulders are wide
Our hearts are big
This day is ours
This day is yours
Come out and share
Come out and be yourself again
</center>

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

Ty Trish........xxoxoxoxox

[LadyDragus]

You are very welcome ...

{{{{{{{{{{{ Mary Alice }}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>