[sujunew]

It's so dark, it's almost black. And then it's just fog, all around. My head is full of fog, my head aches with everything in it, and I feel like I am walking in fog- that out past me it is sunny and clear but the fog has enveloped me and surrounds me wherever I go, whatever I do. The blackness is the deep, deep hole I am in and can't get out of. All I want to do is close my eyes and wait for these days to pass- all I am doing is passing my days by merely existing anyway so what difference would it make? And the need to feel the pain...it is SO intense I nearly feel dizzy at the thought. I have lots of distractions that I have been using, but tonite I feel like I am going to need more than them to take those urges away. Now even the words on this page are blurring in the fog...And I wonder, is it possible to fully recover from depressive illnesses or will they always be there, just waiting for the right trigger or stressor before they rear their ugly heads again???

[Rhapsody]

Have you talked about this PAIN with another.... have you really told it all? - we HEAL as we talk (vent) - our release valve to the wounded soul.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[sujunew]

No, I have never really talked about any of it. There are so many different things, a lot that I don't even understand. I had started seeing a counsellor, and I am waiting to see if I can get govt assistance to help with the fees to continue seeing her. Here at PC is the 1st time I have ever been so open, so revealing about myself, and while it is so scary and I want to hide and pretend it is not me making these posts, being able to write about what is going on has been really helpful, especially when I get such great support from you and the others here. Thanks for that, and maybe someday I will be able to actually face the PAIN that is buried so deep inside of me. xxx Irish
p.s. urges not acted on! Yay! distraction (tidying up living room)worked very well!!!

[Rhapsody]

Please know that we are here when you are ready to talk about any of it (or) all of it.... we do not judge, we help and support.... and we always do our best to understand your side of the fence, where you are coming from.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rapunzel]

Omg, that is just exactly how it felt for me too. That fog got so thick that all I could see was misery. I lived in that fog (sometimes thicker or thinner than others) for at least 25 years.

It's surprising every time I notice or realize that I'm hardly ever in that fog anymore. Once in a while it might come back, but it doesn't stay. I'm still terrified of it, because I know what it was like when the fog took over, but the fog doesn't have the power anymore.

You can beat this. Grab onto all the rays of sunshine that you can find, and feel how warm they are. I know it seems like no light can get through sometimes, but it's still there. When you go outside on a very foggy day, it's still lighter than night. Just soak up whatever sunshine you can find.

I don't know how you feel about meds. I avoided prescription meds, but did take St. John's Wort, and it worked. I don't think I could have pushed those clouds away without it. I still take it, but now I can get by for a few days without it and be okay.

Hang on. It will get better.
Rap

[sujunew]

Thanks rap, it feels a bit weierd to know that it's not just me feeling like that (even tho I know that there are others in just the same position) but it is so nice to hear from someone who has been there and has made their way thru it. I have to be on prescription meds- I am in big trouble if I come off them, and I get bloods done to make sure that everything is as it should be. Everytime I have been ready to start weaning off them something else happens and the doc puts it off. I hate taking everything I do, but I know (thru trial and ERROR!) that without them I am in a much worse place. But I will look for thhose rays of light you say are there...I know they must be, I must just have my sunglasses on or something!! But thanx again Rhapsody and Rap for your advice and care