[Focus62]

**** this.

I rarely have thoughts like this, of self injury. I get thoughts about it but I have only acted on it once and found myself just as frustrated as before. I'm not going to cut or do anything, but all I can do is stare at my skin and obsess. I am generally a passive, calm person on the outside, but on the inside I am a depressed and/or frustrated person. I just feel empty. I need closeness and connection and I don't feel like I can get that right now. The only person I get that from is my T and I didn't see her this week cause of schedule conflicts. We went over a lot of tough stuff last session, she had me in twice that week cause of some flashbacks I'd been having. She even brought her therapy dog in for me and I think that's why I'm really spiraling out right now. I finally got a taste of someone doing something for me that was caring and it was something without strings attached to it, I don't have to return any favors. I don't know if I'd say that I am attached to her really, I think I'm attached to the warmth that comes from her. I've always just wanted someone who cares and I've never had a consistent example of that in my life, and now this week without getting that feeling, the feeling of abandonment creeps in.

It's a gross overreaction, I shouldn't even feel this way, she offered in my last session to open up some times for me this week so I could see her but I said no and that I'd be fine without. Obviously that's not the case. I'm too weak to accept help. It doesn't make sense. Now I have to wait till Monday to see her...this is going to be a long weekend. She doesn't know I get these urges and I'm not going to tell her anytime soon. I don't know how to bring it up, and because I never act on them I don't see the point really. I have a handle on it but I don't, I guess. How do I tell her something like this without any "proof"? I feel like she wouldn't believe me if I have no proof that I've ever cut (cause I have but only once)...I don't want her to think I'm just some attention seeker, I'm not. I'm just beyond calmness at the moment...

Thanks for reading my rant.

[lynn P.]

(((Focus62)) - I'm sorry you're having a rough time and feeling unsettled this weekend. I'm no expert with self injury and I don't have this problem...but wanted you to know I hear what you're saying. First I think you should be honest with your therapist - she sounds like a nice person and accommodating. A therapist can only help you, based on what you tell them...... so being honest is a good thing. Have you thought about getting a dog for yourself?

What positive things usually soothe and relax you - any hobbies? Does exercise help at all? I know some have coping tricks but what works for one, might not work for another. I'm glad you found someone who shows concern for you and you deserve it. Hang in there and I hope this weekend goes fast.

[Focus62]

I would love to have a dog. I've wanted one ever since I was little. I am a very very animal-oriented person and have grown up with many pets, but never a dog (dad doesn't like them). My therapist knows how much more comfortable I am with an animal around and that's why she brought him in, so I could have something to hold onto while I talked... Unfortunately, being a college student in an apartment, we can't have dogs, so I have to hold off a bit longer. It really is a struggle for me to have no pets, I miss their comfort so much.

I'm too afraid to tell T. I don't know what she'll think, and I don't want the extra attention that comes from it, I don't want to talk about it all the time. I just want to get rid of the feelings behind it. I think she'll find me weak and stupid for even considering it. At the moment she thinks I'm brave and a "fighter." I don't want her to lose that sight of me. I don't want to appear weak to her. That always causes me such turmoil...

The only soothing things I've ever really had were my animals...now that's been taken away from me and all I'm left with are distractions. Distractions aren't soothing, they're just annoying because no matter what, in the end, the distractions will always fail you and you're mind just floats back right to wherever it was before. I need new coping skills but I have yet to find anything that works for me... listening to calming music is about as close as I get.

Thank you for responding lynn, even if you don't SI yourself. I needed to hear something from somebody, thanks.

[lynn P.]

You're welcome Focus62. Sometimes people find it easier to write down tough feelings but if you're not ready that's fine. I understand you have pride and want to appear strong. Its takes courage to admit you struggle with this sometimes. Animals do help a lot and I always feel better when I pet my dog. I hope these feelings ease up soon.

[Harley47]

Hi Focus.

I understand the frustration over wanting a pet and not being able to have one. My cat, who I named my PC profile after, passed away over the summer, and I wanted so bad to have a cat around the apartment. My RD shut that down though...despite the fact the neighbor has a dog.

Anyway, I don't think your therapist is going to think one iota less of you for telling her this, and I would encourage you to. She can help you get past the feelings that make SI seem tempting. She's there to help you Focus, and I don't think she is going to berate you a bit for asking for help. With respect to her, I don't think she'd be a very good therapist if she did.

I do hope I was of some help, and I hope this weekend passes quickly for you.

Hugs,
Harley

[agma]

Emotional support animals are allowed in apartments that don't allow pets. You just need to have your therapist or pdoc write a letter. Try to avoid acting on the urges. I do cut, and it has become an addiction. I'm working on stopping, but it is NOT easy.

[lynn P.]

Just checking in to see how you're doing with the weekend. Hope you managed okay and dropping off some hugs.

[Focus62]

Thanks Lynn. The feeling passed as I woke up the next morning feeling better. I get to see my T tomorrow finally...doubt I'll have the guts to mention anything but for right now, I'm okay with that.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Focus62

I am a depressed and/or frustrated person. I just feel empty. I need closeness and connection and I don't feel like I can get that right now. She even brought her therapy dog in for me and I think that's why I'm really spiraling out right now. I finally got a taste of someone doing something for me that was caring and it was something without strings attached to it, I don't have to return any favors. I don't know if I'd say that I am attached to her really, I think I'm attached to the warmth that comes from her. I've always just wanted someone who cares and I've never had a consistent example of that in my life, and now this week without getting that feeling, the feeling of abandonment creeps in.

she offered in my last session to open up some times for me this week so I could see her but I said no and that I'd be fine without. Obviously that's not the case. I'm too weak to accept help.

Hi Focus, how about just talking with your T about this ^ stuff?