[JayneDough!]

I’m new to cutting. I don’t see it as self-injury though. It’s not dangerous; I’m first aid certified so I’m careful about infections and sterilize my blades. I’m not worried about scars—everyone has a few; and mine, if I end up with any, will be hidden unless I’m in a bathing suit. I guess I think of the marks more like a war-injury or stretch marks. They are a sign that I experienced some trauma, but survived.
My life is really bad right now. (It always has been, just more so now I guess.) The thing is cutting really helps. When the pain inside overwhelms me and I can’t function anymore I just want to cut and when I do my head clears and I can focus again.
I can’t afford to see a counselor so I guess this is the place for me to talk.

[Christina86]

Hi Jayne! Welcome!

I'm sorry your life is bad right now. If you could think of alternatives to cutting, would you consider trying some new methods out instead of cutting?

[Sannah]

Have you looked into government funded therapy or United Way?

[agma]

Hi Jayne!

Are you on any meds for depression? I thought like you when I first started cutting 4 years ago. I was in PA (physician assistant) school, so I knew how to avoid infections and how to not go to far so that I wouldn't seriously hurt myself. The problem with cutting is that the more you do it, you end up having to do it more and more and/or cut deeper etc in order to get the same effect. When I started, I only did minor things such as scratching, then it escalated to cutting and burning. A couple of times I actually needed stitches . Also, although the relief that cutting provides is immediate, the effects don't last long. I would encourage you to work on finding other coping skills to handle your emotions before the cutting gets out of control. I really wish I would have done that because then I wouldn't be here 4 years later really struggling to stop. For me it is not only a coping skill but also an addiction. I wish you the best. Feel free to post as much as you want. People here will listen and are very supportive.

[JayneDough!]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Have you looked into government funded therapy or United Way?

It dosen't matter where I go, the problem is that it will end up in my health records, which despite HIPA, my ex manages to get a copy of at least once a year or so. AND even if he doesn't get a copy my insurance premiums will go up. I was raped in 2008 and saw a counselor. Within a month my insurance premiums doubled and I was told that I would have to be "mental health free" for 5 years before my rates would go down again.

[JayneDough!]

Originally Posted by agma

Are you on any meds for depression?

No--I take St. John's Wort but that doesn't help any more.

Originally Posted by agma

I would encourage you to work on finding other coping skills to handle your emotions before the cutting gets out of control.

Right now I think cutting is the best coping skill I've got. It certainly works the best. I looked over the alternative to cutting thread and didn't see anything there that looked helpful. Life is just so overwhelming and my issues so sever that normal coping skill sets just don't seem to do the trick.

[jadedrose325]

Wow, I really can't belive how much your posts have made me think back. It's seriously like I've been picked up and placed back in time. I can see it. And feel it.
Reading your posts reminds me of how new and exciting cutting used to be. How naive and innocent I was before the reality set in. I wish I could go back to those days when it was fun and it helped more than it hurt.
I'm sorry about everything you're going through and I really hope I didn't say anything to offend or upset you. But please be safe. And I know right now it's fun and all, but seriously, be careful.
And like Agma said try and find something else before it gets out of control. It'll happen faster than you can imagine.

[Sannah]

How can your ex get copies of your records? You 2 have children? Your insurance is from your employer?

[JayneDough!]

Originally Posted by Sannah

How can your ex get copies of your records? You 2 have children? Your insurance is from your employer?

He has his wife call, pretend to be me and says I am changing physicians and could they please mail her a copy of my records to give to the new doc?

OR they call they call my insurance provider (Private--my employeer dosen't provide squat) and pretend to be me and say they are looking at changing policies and want information on rate changes.

Once I left on vacation with the kids and came back to find out I no longer had a job because she called the HR department of the company I work for the day BEFORE I left on vacation and pretended to be me and said that I had quit and that the 2 week vacation was my 2 week notice!!!

NEVER EVER GET MARRIED!!! Once you do they know your name, address, date of birth, social security #, mother's maiden name, EVERYTHING!!! Whith that they can destroy your life.

[Sannah]

I would talk to these places and tell them what is going on and that they should only release stuff if you come up there in person with a photo ID.

Your mental health is more important.

[JayneDough!]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I would talk to these places and tell them what is going on and that they should only release stuff if you come up there in person with a photo ID.

Your mental health is more important.

Been there, done that. It doesn't matter. The stupid secretaies think they are being helpful when someone says they "forgot their ID" but can confirm their identity by verifying my social security number.

If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't!!!!