[Suchende]

Yep this is my new way. I've always found the sight of blood more...consoling, you know. But cuts get hard to hide after some time. I am the kind of person who can resist for a bit, try to get better after cutting the skin by my fingers and stuff like that... People never care about that. I constantly destroy my fingers, pouring some lemon or vinegar on them afterwards. Sometimes I also wear shoes with no socks when I know I will have to walk a lot and those kinds of silly things.
I'm tired of people judging me for my scars.
I'm tired of lying about them.

But recently these...alternative ways just don't seem enough.
I did try to suicide with meds many times. Guess I couldn't man up enough to swallow the right amount. But the pain I feel everytime has become my new kind of addiction. Which is concerning. More than the usual cuts, I reckon.

So I was wondering whether anyone else here does or has ever abused meds just in order to feel the pain the small overdoses give.
And if so, how did you get out of that? Any suggestions?

I just feel so uncomfortable right now... I'm so tired and really need to sleep but I can't because I ran out of meds after the last time and now I can't help loathing my self for wasting on food money I could have saved for...



Actually I might just need someone who managed to stop constantly hurting themselves who could tell me that yes, there is a way to get out of this...

[greyclouds]

Wow, this is serious.
Do you have a T? You really need to speak to some one.
I don't si on levels on that extreme. So unsure what advice to give.
But you def need to tell some one a professional.
Please in the mean time, keep your self safe.
What your doing is extremely dangerous and I am actually scared for you right now.
Can you please just call some one now? Doctor? Family?
Tell them

((Hugs)) be strong

[Debi54]

Originally Posted by Suchende

Yep this is my new way. I've always found the sight of blood more...consoling, you know. But cuts get hard to hide after some time. I am the kind of person who can resist for a bit, try to get better after cutting the skin by my fingers and stuff like that... People never care about that. I constantly destroy my fingers, pouring some lemon or vinegar on them afterwards. Sometimes I also wear shoes with no socks when I know I will have to walk a lot and those kinds of silly things.
I'm tired of people judging me for my scars.
I'm tired of lying about them.

But recently these...alternative ways just don't seem enough.
I did try to suicide with meds many times. Guess I couldn't man up enough to swallow the right amount. But the pain I feel everytime has become my new kind of addiction. Which is concerning. More than the usual cuts, I reckon.

So I was wondering whether anyone else here does or has ever abused meds just in order to feel the pain the small overdoses give.
And if so, how did you get out of that? Any suggestions?

I just feel so uncomfortable right now... I'm so tired and really need to sleep but I can't because I ran out of meds after the last time and now I can't help loathing my self for wasting on food money I could have saved for...



Actually I might just need someone who managed to stop constantly hurting themselves who could tell me that yes, there is a way to get out of this...

I abused drugs and alcohol several times in my life. I wasted who knows how much money on it and the withdrawal from narcotics almost killed me. One, I suggest you find a good therapist/psychiatrist. There's a drug called Suboxone that helps with the withdrawal, and they can put you on a maintenance plan to help you. Also, talking with the doctor about the stressors that trigger this help you to understand better why you do it.

[Suchende]

Hey, thank you very much for replying... I know it's kind of silly thanking everyone every time they reply me...but I'm finding my self pretty lost here and can't really talk to anyone.
I'm even afraid of telling anybody. In my old town, since I started developping my several...problems... when I was still a kid basically I tended to believe there were some people I could tallk about but they all ended up calling me a freak, a schizo, telling me I scare the living **** out of them and that I had to keep far from them ^^'''
Here people don't know about anything. Weirdly enough I've been pretty good hiding also my BPD. I don't want to mess things.
Somehow I also managed to persuade my parents I could live on my own. And I'm not sure that living with someone could help. I am not very good at dealing with people 24/7. And I don't want to make them suffer...they already have their problems and I have already ****ed this family up enough. Can't deal with that responsability anymore.

This might sound silly but...what's a T?
I'm not seing any doctors at the moment.
Changed 8 in 5 years...have been followed even by more at the same time.
I'm not sure whether it's me or them who gives up first.

Thank you again, anyway.
I guess I should hug you back now

[Angelornot]

I've done that before... tried to kill myself with pills but I was never brave enough to take enough to die, so I just used it as another way to SI

[Sannah]

Hi Suchende, welcome to PC. I would suggest dealing with your past abuse in therapy in order to recover from your addictions. Please continue to let us know how you are doing and let us support you here.

[Suchende]

Originally Posted by Angelornot

I've done that before... tried to kill myself with pills but I was never brave enough to take enough to die, so I just used it as another way to SI

And how did you stop? I'm not sure I even want to...I'm not sure of what I want...I'm not sure of wanting anything at all...Maybe I'm just not sure

[Suchende]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Suchende, welcome to PC. I would suggest dealing with your past abuse in therapy in order to recover from your addictions. Please continue to let us know how you are doing and let us support you here.

How is it going? Eww, just did it again. Someone will think it's not good, probably. But it's really hard that ibuprofen will kill you apparently. And I'm too "heavy" to make 2000 mg a serious danger. Maybe I shouldn't even define it a overdose...

[Sannah]

What do you think about my comments?

[3velniai]

I used to do the "small" OD just to make me feel bad, it wasn't related to sui, just pure SI with zero scars. Didn't do it often though (several times a year). I'm over it now. So yeah, it is possible to get over it. Talk therapy. Then some art therapy. And some more talk therapy. You could try it, for some strange reason I don't think I will ever understand, therapy works. You just need a really brave and calm T to be able to talk about this type of SI without the T freaking out. You can PM me if you want.

[Angelornot]

Originally Posted by Suchende

And how did you stop? I'm not sure I even want to...I'm not sure of what I want...I'm not sure of wanting anything at all...Maybe I'm just not sure

My biggest problem stopping SI is that I didn't really want to stop. I did it for my friends, and with my friends' help. It's good to have a plan for what to do when you want to SI, and do that instead. Sometimes journaling is helpful, or holding ice cubes. I tend to just lay in bed and do nothing lol.

[Suchende]

I wish I could just lay in bed and do nothing too. Actually I've been sleeping too much lately. I constantly need to curl up under the blanckets and let everything fade away.
But having to study so much, I am more and more tempted to just go back to the old cuts.
At least this morning I didn't take heaps of meds as it was getting usual.

I'm not doing any therapy. I'm tired of that. I wonder how many more therapists I will have to change before finding a good one. Therapy to me is the greatest waste of time and energy ever. And I hate feeling...wrong. I don't feel comfortable with doctors.

[sugahorse1]

I tend to do the same as you. Also maybe 4 times a year. Going to speak to my T about it later.
For me I think it's a way that i can feel physical pain and not just emotional pain. Maybe I'm punishing myself about something?
I know it's a horrible feeling though

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Suchende

I'm not doing any therapy. I'm tired of that. I wonder how many more therapists I will have to change before finding a good one. Therapy to me is the greatest waste of time and energy ever. And I hate feeling...wrong. I don't feel comfortable with doctors.

Therapy is essential for healing.

Originally Posted by Suchende

I'm not doing any therapy. I'm tired of that. I wonder how many more therapists I will have to change before finding a good one. Therapy to me is the greatest waste of time and energy ever.

Perhaps you need to find your own way and return to therapy when you are ready. Anyway, it does not sound like you are ready to commit to it.

Originally Posted by Suchende

I don't feel comfortable with doctors.

How do you cope with them when you end up in the emergency department?