[gloomyday]

When I cut, it's because I feel numb on the inside and I wanna feel pain to know that I am human, or I might be angry and to avoid hurting anyone else, I take it out on myself. Sometimes the cuts are so deep to where they bleed for hours and burn. That is how I control my emotions. When I first started cutting, the first one was on my wrist and it was really deep..... My intention was to cut a vein, but when I didn't go far enough, I just bled a lot but unfortunately didn't die. One of my friends found out and he begged me to stop and I told him only if he stopped smoking. He never stopped smoking and i never stopped cutting. I've resigned to thinking that my blade is my only friend. I'm feeling really depressed right now and I'm
going to cut soon before I jump out a window.....there's this one song by Three Days Grace that I finally understand. Its called pain and I get it now.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

[greyclouds]

Hi sweetie, I totally understand what your going thro, are you seeking professional help?
Smoking and self harming are slighty different things.. I was burning myself for months and have gone thro stages of self harm. The feeling don't go away. I'm no longer self harming but the scares remind me of the pain I felt when making them.
My point is please try to resist cuttin your self try a cold bath believe that is painful to but the good thing is you wont die. And please lock your window or go down stairs. Keep strong there is light and the end of very tunnel, it's just some of us have further to go.

[gloomyday]

Thank you. Im not seeking help, but I'm thinking about asking my mom. She's a little reluctant about my going to a therapist. I try to stay alive... Maybe I'll listen to some music. Music is a big part of my life.... Maybe.

[greyclouds]

Yes defiantly music really helps, try now that we found love what are we going to do, I find this song a lot of fun and always makes me want to dance, also if you can get to the gym, or go for a run.. This is hard at first but the buzz is amazing once you have finished. And what ever happens talk to your mum, if she don't understand let her join one of these sites, that's what I had to do with my mum to get her to understand the illness and that it want attention seeking ( man I hate that word )

[gloomyday]

Who is that song by... It sound familiar. I'm a fan of country, rock, metal, grunge, alternative, emo, screamo, anything with a good meaning and guitar chords. But if you're talking about the song I'm thinking of, I like it. What's you're fav type of music?

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by gloomyday

Thank you. Im not seeking help, but I'm thinking about asking my mom. She's a little reluctant about my going to a therapist. I try to stay alive... Maybe I'll listen to some music. Music is a big part of my life.... Maybe.

talking to your mom is a great idea. i know many have their worries about therapists. but the reality is, you dont have to be crazy to be seeing one. you can go for any reason: anxiety, depression, adhd, etc. you wont be able to quit cutting unless you get to the root of the problem. and a therapist is great for that. i know there is a stigma with "therapy" but it really was a life changer for me. and i hope that you are brave enough to reach out. if you are thinking about therapy, the odds are that you should be in therapy.

[gloomyday]

Thank you miswimmy1 for the support. It means a lot to me. I just wish that in the time before I get one, that this pain would go away and the heavy too. Because what if no one can help me? I'm afraid of myself........

[gloomyday]

I'm sorry, but last night I had to cut..... I felt better afterward so maybe this'll be my last time. Wish me luck for today... I can't tell you why yet, but I would appreciate it.

[Sannah]

Of course there is a therapist out there who can help you. Can you ask your mom?

[gloomyday]

I'll try, but I try to convince myself first that this is serious. I used to think that the depression would go away until I started cutting. Then I knew I had to get help, I just don't know how to go about asking..... I never wanted my mom to find out that I was cutting because now when I do, she might ask and I can't lie to her. She's taken away sharp things from me before, I have more that she doesn't know about. I feel hopeless, like my demise will come really soon............

[Sannah]

You can tell her that you feel really bad and that you need a therapist?

[gloomyday]

I don't know..... I feel like my depression isn't the worst of our problems..... Like it would be selfish for me to tell her "hey mom! Stop everything you're doing and take me to a T." I had my share of selfishness and I want to show her that I can put other people before my self..... Even if it is at the cost of my mental health. But I feel like I'm dying on the inside as I type this....... My heart is so heavy with so much sadness, I don't know if I can make it through the night.........or even the next minute....I need something to look forward to... I'm trying to convince my self to stay alive for my family (or would they rather me be dead?) and because I want to have a band, because I love music so much, but my furture is looking dim.... I'm sorry I tried but I have to cut again... :..(

[Sannah]

Your mental health should be your mom's #1 priority. I am a mom and I would do anything for the well being of my children. You need to tell her that you need a T.

[gloomyday]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Your mental health should be your mom's #1 priority. I am a mom and I would do anything for the well being of my children. You need to tell her that you need a T.

I think I'll try..... Thank you for listening. I feel a little better. Hopefully my mom understands.....

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by gloomyday

I think I'll try..... Thank you for listening. I feel a little better. Hopefully my mom understands.....

I think she only will want what's best for you. and if she has an issue, then most likely she is not educated enough about therapy, in which case, u can educate her

[needingsomehelp]

I totally understand what you're going through. I cut myself a lot because I just don't know what to do , and in a way it consoles me. I'm also trying to stop. My parents have found out and its been hell over here for me. I encourage you to try and stop! I know how you feel, it helps me cope and Its hard to imagine stopping. Keep it up!