torn

I do not currently self injure, but the urges are there. I know the consequences would (emotionally) kill me if I picked it up again... but I want to do it again SO badly. I think about it most of the day, and most of my energy is spent on fighting the urges. I know people say you have to stop for yourself, or it will not work (like drugs, alcohol or smoking), but the external consequences have kept me from doing it for a year and a half. I know that I would lose my marriage (or in the very least seriously damage it), and potentially lose my freedom by once again being hospitalized... but some days I think (just for a fraction of a second) that it would all be worth it just to feel that way again (the relief). So many people just don't get this (tho I am guessing other people who self injure and anyone fighting any other addiction would get it). It's not that my relationship is devalued in any way, or that I would even want to endanger it. It's just that the "high" from the si would feel so good. That moment of amazing just gnaws at me... I want it again, and have not found any other way to produce it. It makes my anxiety go away, and my thoughts stop racing, and it gives me a really good feeling, up until the second the regret and shame kick in. If I could find something that did all that without the regret and shame, I would take it in a heartbeat....


also, what good are hotlines? they don't help, they just tell you to get in-person help... great. thanks. i didn't know that already... ugh! I really, really, really miss my old therapist... I hate this new state's mental health system, and their lack of help... I deal with students who (bless their hearts for wanting to get educated) know squat about any of this, and are not available more than just a few hours on 2 days a week... trusting is SO hard, and I have to find 50 million people to contact just to make it through the week... this sucks... I'm really hating it all right now, and wishing I was "home" where I could at least call my old T and she would get back to me with something helpful, or at least supportive...

I know how you feel. I used to self harm. I stopped when I met someone. I felt too much shame and guilt to keep doing it, and I know they wouldn't get it. I'm now married to this person, and we never really talked about it. I told her once and she could tell I was very uncomfortable talking about it. I think she accepted it was something I did in the past and left it alone. I know if I did it now she would flip out and it would not be very healthy for my marriage. That is why I don't do it. I know I should not do it for myself, but I never learned how to like myself. Maybe that is why I found it so easy to self harm. I still get the urges when I'm depressed. I don't think they will ever go away, I just have to be strong and fight them. I wish I had better advice, but this is my experience with it. Therapy might help. I need to get back into. When I was younger I talked to a psychologist about it and that helped.

Hi MRain, you know that the relief doesn't last, though. Fixing what is causing your anxiety would be more permanent. I used to be pretty anxious and now I'm not anymore. I worked on quite a few things to get to this point.

huge trigger warning here:does anyone else SI in ways that are just shameful & crazy & so very in line with their abuse? or is that just me?

sorry i'm no help to anyone else, no support... sorry...

Reading this does help some of us. What you wrote is exactly how I feel and as much ad I hate to know you go through this, it is nice to see my thoughts written in such a clear and concise manner and to know I'm not alone. I miss it sooo much that I'm crying right now. Just to feel okay for a few minutes seems like it would be worth it, but the consequences can last forever. I didnt quit for me, I quit for God, and for the consequences of emotionally hurting others. As for you're trigger question, I have heard thatvthis is very common, you probably will find more in the sexual issues section, and survivors of abuse section. Having gone through very little trauma/abuse, I cant really answer from experience. I do knoe that when Im feeling really down and my mind wont quit calling mr horrible things, that I want to cut and sear them into my flesh. I hope you can find a good T. I ne to schedul appt with my new one, still havent met.

Shame is so common but it does cause problems with healing. What happened to you was bad but you are not. And people react to bad things happening to them, which is normal. Being able to move beyond shame is very healing.