I need to do it... Have to do it.... Did it

The pain.... The physical, mental, and emotional pain has NEVER been worse... I feel like its going to kill me. I'm going to blow. I just need to cut! Or just die.... I'm useless and hopeless and nobody seems to care...

I've tried to be strong. But I can't do it. I just need to do it....

I've done it. I would rather cut myself 100 times then have to suffer one more flashback of being beaten or raped.....

Help me

I don't think I can do this anymore... I don't think I can live on...
Not even the things that keep me from ending it are helping... I see no point in staying here and using the air...

Hey it's ok.

You tried as hard as you could for as long as you could and that's what's important. No one is strong all the time; not fighters, not policemen, or even soldiers. Everyone has times when they buckle and fall. That doesn't make you useless or hopeless - that makes you human. And you've been through some things that would make anyone hurt so you should be proud of the things that you made it through. This is just a little set back that's all. You did your best and that's all anyone can ask for.

You are stronger than you know and the fact that you have made it here is proof of that.

Dear, cutting is not the solution. It's never been a solution. The pain of cutting makes the flashbacks more vivid and horrible. You began to experience the pain of past in your present. Don't let your past consume your present. You are a strong person who survived all that and who's still fighting. Believe me if you made it till today, it means you have got something special in you. It is your courage to hold on. If you've courage to face all the worst that life gave you then you surely is going to achieve the best out of it.
Your life does not depends on others. Live it for your own self. You can soon prove your worth to this world.

That's what people say. I'm strong because I've lasted this long... But I haven't. I'm just an empty shell of what I was... Cutting is the only ting that makes me feel like I'm still here. I'm still alive.

You're not weak as long as you keep fighting.
...That's what I want to say, but it doesn't feel true anymore. I wish I could say something, but I don't feel much better right now...:sad:

Girl,
You are not an empty shell. What you're feeling is perfectly normal after all the abuse you've suffered. Unfortunately, you've had to bury the real you in order to survive. She's still there, deep inside, and you need to coax her out again. Unfortunately, she's having trouble working her way through all the hurt and pain under which she's hiding.

Look at your profile pic - not the Avatar pic, the profile pic. That's the real you. The loving, gorgeous, caring 14 year old kissing her little puppy. She is there still.

You have so much on your plate at the moment. More than anyone should ever have to deal with. Take strength from the people on these boards. We'll be here for you, even when others seem to have deserted you.

That's not me any more. That girl died. She is gone and can't come back. Now it's just me and my thoughts. I'm tired of having to appear perfectly fine. When really, I'm on the verge of kill myself... I hate being fake.
I'm an empty body with nothing inside but depression and self hatred...

I'm never going to be happy again

Girl,
Thank you so much for your reply.
Firstly, before I say anything else, I'd like to say that I wish I had the skills and experience to know what to say to make your life different with a click of my fingers, I really, really do. I know you're seeing a T and don't really like them, but try to trust in them.

I don't believe that girl in the photo is dead. I never will. I (and other on these boards) will keep fighting for her re-emergence for as long as it takes.

I know it doesn't feel this way, but from what I've read about your story, you have absolutely nothing to hate yourself about. I know others are trying to make you feel as though you were at fault for the events of your life, but you weren't. If you have made mistakes, then you can apologise for them and move on. Everyone makes mistakes. As far as I can tell, the mistakes have never been yours though. There is no justification for what happened to you and you should never, ever hate yourself for it.

As I don't know you very well, can I ask you a couple of questions?

1. Can you give me one positive thing about yourself? Look back at what you've done in your life and find something where you can say "I was proud of myself for doing that".

2. What do you want to do in the future? I remember a thread in which you said you were getting good grades at one point. If you can't see yourself in the future at the moment, then tell me what that little girl in the photo wanted to do.

1....I'm a cheerleader and when I was in grade 8 I won the national cheer leading jump-off. That was an AMAZING honor. And the next year I got the All-Star varsity cheerleader award. I'm very proud of that....

2. The girl in the photo wanted to do everything. She planned on winning the 2015 American idol. She wanted to graduate high school at 15 and be in college forever, just so she could learn everything. That girl wanted to change the world. And she was doing it too.... But unfortunately, she disappeared. Ad I don't think she is coming back.

If you want to ask more questions u can PM me... Or not. Whatever you want

Girl, I just read some of your other threads, especially the one where you talk about not liking your therapist. Your other threads too sound like things are spinning out of control for you. How is your new school going?

Things are terrible. It just one bad thing after the other. With maybe one good thing a month.
My school is less than ok, but not terrible. I'm not doing well though. I can't work when I'm depressed and these days, that's everyday... So I'm behind a bit. It's just hard. And pretty hard on me. It's beatin me up

Are you at an alternative school now? I really wish that you could see your therapist as a partner and not as an adversary.

it is good you are here!!!!!!!!!!!this is where we can speak our thoughts, good or bad and not have anybody judge you as you probably figured out already or you wouldn't have posted. i don't know much about cutting, but all i can really say is keep alive there is so much to live for and you already have done some amazing things. no one has to be Superwoman or Superman . give youself some ME time alone or friend and talk about you goals, maybe you'll have others you never even thought of. i wish i could get in your head and erase your rape for you, but i cant so remember there is still time on you side as young as you are, and they will fade? well i wish you well, and keep working at yourself, you'll come out on the right side in shining colors!!!!

Yes I'm at a new school. I've been here about three weeks.
And I don't even hate her. I despise her. Se has ruined my life more than it already is.

I hope so. But I don't know when I will completely snap and just give up on life once and for all.
I spend my ME time on PC.
And I don't think the rape will ever fade. I have a memory loss disorder, which causes m to forget literally everything. Even my name in extreme cases. But one of the only things I can't forget, is being raped. I remember the exact words he said. I remember what I was thinking, what his faces looked like, I remember ever little detail. And when something reminds me of just one of those things, I just want to die. It's so painful to remember. I just want to kill myself so the memories will stop. But I am never strong enough to ever do. I just have to suffer through it. Cutting helps.

Tank you for believing in me though.

A friend who had been brought up in care after her father left and her mother developed a mental illness once asked me why she still had trouble concentrating in her teens when the traumas she had faced had been when she was very young. Surely, she thought, she must have come to terms with what happened 10 years ago. The following is what I came up with. Apologies as it's another of my long posts. Note, I'm not medically trained in any way and a professional might say it's complete rubbish, but it makes sense to me and it seemed to help my friend a little bit.

The brain is a processor (sorry, I work with computers). It has two parts, conscious and subconscious. The conscious part deals with our day to day stuff, does our work/school stuff, manages what we say, etc. It's very present oriented. It doesn't think about the future or the past, just the now. The subconscious sits in the background and processes important 'stuff', it tries to make sense of the world around us. Normally, the conscious is the main part of the brain that's operational and we're aware of. The subconscious sits there processing things that we're probably not even aware that we're thinking about, usually doing most of it's work when we're asleep. This is why we all have those Eureka! moments in the shower when we suddenly realise what that homework meant two years ago or what our friend was really telling us last week. It's important and it couldn't be solved immediately so the brain filed it into the subconscious and that's been working on the problem ever since.

In times of great stress or great trauma in our lives, the subconscious mind suddenly has a lot of work to do. It's an important event so the subconscious tries to make sense of it and kicks into overdrive. Unfortunately, the subconscious doesn't have time to process everything when we sleep and the problem is so big, so it starts processing 'stuff' during the day as well. Although we may not realise we're thinking of 'stuff' the subconscious is still doing it. We become distracted, have trouble concentrating, fall a bit behind. Concentration is a conscious mind activity, but it is being pushed out by the subconscious trying to make sense of the stress/trauma that we have gone through.

Girl,
I cannot even begin to imaging the horrors that you face when you have these flashbacks, but I believe they are happening because your subconscious mind is trying to make sense of what happened. It is replaying it and trying to find answers to questions like 'why me?', 'what could I have done differently?' and a million others, some of which you're probably not even aware you're asking. Unfortunately, we can tell our conscious mind "you weren't at fault" but until the subconscious has processed everything and come to the same conclusion we wont, deep down, really believe it.

To address your fears around men and behaviours that make you nervous. The body has a great ability to protect itself. Some people eat a food once (for me it's a Big Mac) that makes them ill. The body then associates that food with poison and they can never eat it again. It's been 25 years since that Big Mac made me ill, but I still need to leave the room when I smell one. At the moment, your body is associating all men and aggressive mannerisms as dangerous. It is kicking in the 'flight' behaviour to get you away from that danger. That's perfectly natural and understandable. I suspect as time goes on and your subconscious has had a chance to process what happened, these feelings will diminish. If they remain for a while, then don't worry, they may become part of you and the way you are. Remember, your subconscious is trying to protect you from further harm. Let it protect you and try not to fight with yourself too much.

I've had less time to think about the cutting issue in the above analogy, but had a thought when walking up the road yesterday (yup, one of those Eureka! moments ). Maybe there is some conflict going on between your conscious and subconscious minds. Your subconscious is demanding all of your processing power to understand what happened. Your conscious is saying "hang about! I'm still here!" and is demanding attention by getting you to cause yourself pain. It's rebelling and saying something like "I need to cause you pain to get you to think about what's happening today."

Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions as to how to make what you are going through any easier or any idea when you may feel better. I only hope that the above gives you some understanding and makes things a little bit easier. Sometimes, we can't move on until we stop fighting what we think we should be feeling and really say to ourselves, "It's OK to feel like this"

Well that was insightful, maybe it might mean something, listen to it and try to see if it applies to yourself, which it probably does, a little comfort for yourself and maybe you should talk to your T about it and doctor also? are you on any meds-they may help take the edge off.

Thank you so much! This was ever most helpful! I copied and pasted it to my notepad so I could reread it over and over. Thank you.


I have tried to talk to people about this stuff, but I can't seem to get myself to say it. I just get so angry when I am around doctors and therapists. I think it is because everybody tells me it is my fault for the rape and that just makes me mad and emotional.

I need meds. But I will probably never get them. Because of the what I just said^^