why i started

I honestly don't know why I started. I have thought about it quite a lot, and sometimes I think about it so intensely that it turns into an existential crisis of sorts.

I threw away my best SI stuff two weeks ago, which was a significant step because just a month ago I never would have dreamed of letting anything go. And even though I'm on my way to getting "better" and everything, I think about SI more than I should. A lot more than I should. Yesterday I was in the stationary section of some classy store and they were selling box cutters and box cutter blades, and it took a lot for me to walk away and not "restock". And then I got really pissed off at myself for even thinking about SI. Even though I'm pretty sure I'm mostly over it, it's still on my mind way too much.

So yeah. I don't know why I ever started in the first place and it makes me constantly angry at myself. Maybe it was just morbid curiosity that turned into something more, or maybe I'm being emotionally abused by my mother and I don't even have the sense to recognize it, or maybe I just don't process things the way I'm supposed to because I am a pretty terrible person sometimes, or maybe I'll never figure it out (because apparently my most introspective moments just aren't enough), which would be the worst.

Anyone else not know why or is this just me?

- AJ

At first I didn't really understand it. I just knew I was doing emotionally pretty awful, and the physical pain helped dull what I was feeling. If feeling numb and somewhat dead and lifeless is a way to cope. But it didn't just make the bad feelings go away, it made almost all of feeling go away. Maybe that is why it is somewhat addicting to some people. They are in a place where they can't cope with what is going in, and everytime they start to feel something it is bad, so they want to turn off as much as they can. That was me when I was in my teens. I was severly depressed without much of a support system. Living with people that didn't really care. Coupled with the grief of losing a father, and some troubling information about my birth that at the time I couldn't deal with. Cutting for me seemed like a solution to how I was feeling. A way not feel feel awful every second.

After 8 years I didn't feel the need to do that. Recently I have self harmed and it was more a way to feel in control of how I am feeling. I guess self medicating in its own self destructive way. I haven't done it in a few weeks, partly because I know it doesn't really solve and issues and partly because the meds from my doc seem to limit the lows to just normal sadness and not to the point of despair and hopelessness.

That and therapy trying to sort out my real issues is leading me in the right direction. I feel a sense of hope that I can get my life into the direction I want it to be.

I'm not sure why either. I started when I was about 12, there were a lot of things going on in my life and things were very rough but I really don't think it had much to do with that honestly. It was just a random urge once I started getting depressed and I didn't understand why I kept doing it but it kept getting worse to the point where I was doing it multiple times a day. I certainly didn't imagine it would be something I'd still be doing 7 years later. I would get frustrated because in the beginning I wasn't so dependent on it, but then it got worse and even when I went out places and everything seemed fine I would go somewhere and do it when nobody was around. I would go in the bathroom during lunch when I was in high school and do it then wonder what's wrong with me, why am I in here doing this to myself to "feel better''.

I got to a point where I came close to completely quitting and the urges to do it nearly stopped on a certain medication I was on but when I stopped taking it I started doing it even worse then I had before to the point where it kind of scared me. What bothers me now are the things that I could possible relate to why I started when I was younger are no longer going on in my life, at this point there's nothing that should cause me to feel this way anymore, my life is actually normal now, nothing bad is happening so I feel guilty about doing it and feeling like this.

I couldn't tell you why I started. I used to heat large nail heads red hot and hold them against my skin to see how long I could put up with it. At the time, it didn't seem like SI. It was more of a challenge to see how much pain I could take. At 12, I really didn't think about they whys or questions where the urge came from.

Don't be too harsh with yourself when you have strong urges. SI is an addiction, and most people getting over an addiction think about what they are quitting quite a lot. Cigarette smokers who just quite spend a lot of time thinking about smoking and having to fight not to do it. The same with alcoholic and drug addictions. It takes over your life.

I stopped two years ago after almost four decades of cutting, and I still have the urges. As time has gone on, they have become less and less powerful. That being said, in times of high stress, I start to gravitate towards sharp objects. I keep from doing it again, because I know that it won't be "just one more time". Were I to do it once, I wouldn't be able to stop. I don't want to be a slave to an addiction again. You can stay clean. When the urges come and you are looking at blades, remember how much better your feeling of control is than when you are cutting.

Sam2

Well said.
Been battling with this addiction for about 20 years. When I am actively trying to stop SI'ng is always in on my mind. Extremely hard to push the thoughts away at times. But I have found that these thoughts do dissipate over time.

Yeah, well said Sam2.

I'm 8 months clean now but I feel like I've only quit for a few weeks when I threw away my favorite SI stuff not too long ago. I haven't been able to turn my mind off ever since, and it's driving me insane. Trying to go easy on myself but still so many emotions of inadequacy and self-destruction floating around.

- AJ

I know exactly what you're feeling...it's extremely hard and it's very easy to relapse. I hope I get to a point where I'd me mentally ready to throw them away...I'm taking each day at a time.. Baby steps
Keep it up...that alone shows how strong you are