[ThisWayOut]

I'm slowly crumbling. The urge is strong and there nearly every moment. My whole body trembled from the fight to stay safe. I have promised so many people by now, that there is no slipping up without immense consequences. I know the couple's t is going to ask about my mood tomorrow, and I don't want to focus on me. I want to focus on us. That's what couples t is about. But I'm afraid she will push, out my Wife will say something. I'm not doing well. My wife knows that. I just don't want to address it there. I have my own t for that. And j don't want to go to group tonight because I may have to talk. I mean, I want to go to group, but I don't want to have to talk. I'm so immersed in myself, I'm afraid she may explore that a bit, and my last reserves will fall. I'm afraid that would happen anywhere I talk right now. I say with a tool for a long time this morning. It wasn't my preferred tool, and I wasn't adept at using it, so I stopped before I screwed something up. If it had been my preferred tool, I would have caved And had that guilt over that too. I know my t is working hard to try to help me. I know he's trying to get me support from my family also, but I don't know if I can hold out long enough for things to pan out. And I'm feeling guilty about the effort out in on my behalf...
Sorry for the errors. In my phone and it dislike the forums today. Wife is up And wants to talk/hang.

[Moodswing]

I walked around with a scapel in my pocket all day on Monday. Not my perfered method and I could have caused serious damage if I used it. It was just a sense of comfort knowing it was there. Usually when I get that triggered something has happened in the present that causes a part of me to feel trapped, worthless, not ok as I am and not capable. I have to realize it is just a part that is triggered and will eventually calm down. Talking to the therapist, any therapist, will act like a release valve on a pressure cooker. Feel better.

[ThisWayOut]

luckily the group therapist just let me sit and listen, and I was actually able to participate some in supporting another member. My wife called the couple's T this morning and expressed concerns on my behalf about pushing the mood subject and the self-harm. The couple's T is agreeable to take things easy and not delve into anything that makes me really uncomfortable. Part of me wants to talk about it, because I want to be able to tell my wife while we are both feeling a little more safe (there's someone to help handle the emotional fall-out), but I'm afraid of what the consequences would be if I were 100% honest with them. So far, I have been most honest with my own T, but even he doesn't get all the info.
I don't want to admit to my wife that I have been so close to self-harm again. I accidentally sliced my finger trying to gut a razor this morning, so I threw that one out (too little control and too much potential for accidental damage)... I really just want my knife, but I'm afraid I will hurt myself too badly and they will take it away from me. It's a security blanket of sorts knowing it is hiding in the house and accessible if I really need it...

[Moodswing]

Well...at least your wife knows. My husband does not have a clue I self-harm and Bulimic. He just thinks I see a therapist because I get depressed(I am not depressed) and had past suicide attempts. I have zero intentions of telling him. You sound like someone who would do with with IFS(Family Internal System) therapy. You need to find a well qualified, experienced therapist for that.

[ThisWayOut]

I've never heard of that modality. I will have to look it up. My wife only knows the past, nothing of the current stuff. Part of me wants to tell her, but a larger part of me just wants to protect her.
The therapist today didn't push the topic. I kinda wish she had, because I really need ot talk about it in a safe place, but I didn't get the courage until we were out of time. I was about to say something when she did a time check... Oh well, there's tomorrow with my individual therapist, or next week again with her...
I'm really all over the place. I would call my T today, but he is only there 3 days a week... I hate this system. I really miss my old state. I know I would not have tackled a lot of this stuff had we not moved here, but sometimes I think the negatives out-weigh the positives...

Can I ask why you don't want your husband to know? Would he not be supportive? Or is there something else? I know with me, it's a combination of shame and protective instincts (both for her state of mind, and my own coping skills)... I don't know If I would be able to tell any of this to a husband if I were with one... But I think he would have figured out after the millions of hospitalizations. SI is hard to hide with us. I dunno... sorry...

I'm so all over the place right now. Feeling very impulsive and trying to keep it in check... it's a little easier to keep from self-harm when everyone is home, but I really wish they were not. i just need to make it through till tomorrow when I see my T. Hopefully he will have something helpful, or at least something that allows me to make it through the weekend.
just keep breathing...

[Moodswing]

Bulimia carries deep shame. My husband would not be supportive with something like that. He always tells me he does not understand any mental health issues and is not empathetic. He mocks me as it is and has called me certified ably crazy. Self harm would just throw him over the edge. It is all embarrasing. I have never been hospitalized and he has never paid attention to the burns. I try not to burn in my arms during the warm seasons.