I just think it's impossible...

... to regulate it; to help, or to be helped.

When it's on, it's on.

Most of the time I pray for an accidental deep cut, so that I don't actually commit suicide but still die.

It is beyond my understanding why the slightest anomaly in my life becomes a major trigger.

I tend to think I am marked for death.

It is silly of me to try to break away, to try to think that I might have a future.

My hopes are ridiculous and they shame me.

((((((Edda)))))))

It has been 2 years since I cut myself and at times the urge lingers. I just ant you to know there can come a time when you can beat it. It doesn't mean you are weak to give into it right now, it just means you don't have the resources to cope and I am sorry for that I really am.

Your hopes are not ridiculous, they are real and valid. Me saying this wont mean a thing to you but just know, some stranger out there, wants you to feel better

it actually does mean a lot...

i forget how thin the line is between quitting or carrying on

You don't come across as a quitter The best we can do is just carry on and hopefully along the way we learn new ways of dealing with our ****. Just remember, there is always hope, we can always learn new ways and change our behaviour....we just need to learn how.

I don't even know why I whine and whinge instead of just cutting quietly.

It is so shameful.

i'm so sorry.

It is utterly disgusting.

I thrive for the integrity to just do it without all this bs.

I personally would rather you 'whine and whinge' than cut yourself. Sadly, this is your coping mechanism and if you knew another way, you would I am sure, opt for that instead. Just take it one small step at a time and do whatever you can to distract yourself from doing it. Jump around, scream, shout into a pillow, call a friend, write it all down or whatever you can or of course, keep posting here.

You say it's disgusting but I know how beautiful it can feel at the same time. It's such a horrible thing to go through and know how reliant you can become on it. Like a trusted friend it's always there. I get it I really do. But the relationship with 'it' is a toxic one that is a dangerous one.

i never come across as quitter...

i always seem fairly strong.

no life belts for those who can swim

i just can't swim forever

Of course you can't swim forever, but atleast float there for a while instead of sinking

The ONLY real friend!

oh my god...

omg

BUT it's not a real friend, it is a wolf in sheeps clothing, don't trust it! It just 'feels' like a friend

I hope you are ok.

Edda, are you still around?

I skimmed through with some rather awful injuries.

Thank you. I really do thank you.

I wish I could hug you in real life.

It is certainly not impossible to quit or be controlled, but I understand how it feels that way to you now. Have a look at this thread, what thoughts you have written about yourself. There is a self loathing there, do you feel like you dont deserve to be happy? Why? When you address some of these issues then the urges to cut wont come so often, the triggers wont set you off as much and you will be able to help yourself recover. There is hope, and many many people who have been through this.

Hi there. I just wanted to say that it has also been years since I quit that stuff, and it is very doable, but simply not easy. Many people out there, like myself and allme, have quit that crap, and many more will continue to quit. If we can all quit doing it, that gives you some ace chances, and proves it's doable. Self-harm is not, nor has it ever been your friend! I used to think something similar, but it's absurd. Friends shouldn't repeatedly hurt you, make you feel guilty, make you feel more depressed, make you feel ashamed, etc. Self-harm is no more your friend, than Hitler was an angel.

For years and years I did believe it was impossible to stop and I hated myself so much and hated that I did this to cope. But like others said, I really had no other way to cope. No one was there for me, even my parents disregarded me and all my problems. I tried and failed so many times, I dont really even know how many times I tried to stop...but it was for a majority of my life that I tried to stop and never thought it would happen. No, no real miracle happened for me all of sudden to stop. It was very very gradual and so gradual my change that I didnt realize it was happening. I know I sound like I dont understand but I do. You sound like you really dont like yourself and I dont know you but I am sure you are a wonderful person, I mean I can tell you are a very sensitive person like alot of us are, this can be a weakness but also a strength because in the future it will help you understand other people more than the "average" person. Please dont give up. I am really sorry things are so hard. When I first quit I just made it a goal not to do every day but maybe every other day and then it kind of just helped it from there.