Triggered

Today has been a bad day, and right now, 1:36am, depression, or whatever it is, has just entirely washed over me. I got a huge urge to SH, and it came with a wonderful image of me doing it, ... felt just like the old days. I feel so stupid, because I feel this way, after getting so angry/frustrated at people who self-harm, and myself for having self-harmed in the past. My old thought processes are kicking in:

• Who cares?
• Nobody has to know.
• I need to.
• I deserve it.

And other similar thoughts.

I will probably come back to this tomorrow and totally nail it to the wall with psychobabble, but at the end of the day, I feel like crap, right NOW.

I still know that it's pointless to do it, and I still know it's going to cause more problems than good. TBH? If anything, what I have left, is to not do it out of spite; it's a powerful thing.

Hey there, at least you have identified that the feelings you are having are old thought processes, and that you are aware of your emotions. Don't be angry at people who self-harm... you can try to help them but ultimately they are the ones in control. Don't be mad at yourself either--you have recognized the issue and you're trying to cope, which can be pretty overwhelming. There isn't really much else I can think of to say, other than take care!

- AJ

I didn't self-harm, which is no surprise - I'm one seriously stubborn bastard.

I have every reason to be angry and frustrated, just like a family member would be angry and frustrated, if only in part, as a result of a close relative, kicking their own proverbial bucket. Someone that I loved very much, self-harmed a lot, and kept trying to kick their own bucket; it was a nightmare, and a painful one at that. Anyway, that the anger and frustration thing is pretty much a new thread of its own, and I don't expect anyone to understand why I feel like that, just like I don't expect the old self-harming me, to understand it. I'm just betting that at least some of those who've "quit", or who have lost family members to suicide, could understand, though.

Imagine if you thought there was a frog right next to you, and you swore to absolute death, that there was a frog there, no matter how many times someone told you differently. Now image you finally, after years, realise there is indeed no frog there. Imagine you meet someone who's as adamant as you were, that there is a frog next to them, and imagine trying to explain why there is no frog; you know there is no frog, because you've been there and done this all before, but getting the other person to see that, seems impossible, because they won't listen; they're too concerned with the frog that, by the way, is not there. I can't imagine my analogy made any sense, but I gave it a go.

While I might look like some evil, heartless bastard, to a self-harmer, I assure you that I am not, and in-fact am a very caring person, which is partly why I have so many conflicting feelings and thoughts. I sometimes really want to help, but I know that, ultimately, just like I was with my ex: there's f**k-all I can do - it's up to them to figure it out, and all we can do is nudge them in the right direction. Every time I try to talk "sense" to someone who self-harms, I'm reminded of how helpless, anxious, frustrated, depressed, and lost I felt with the aforementioned ex.

There's another side to my being "angry", ... the anger itself is likely mostly directed to myself: starting with frustration, I then end up moving on to anger, towards myself as a result of not being able to help.

I guess it didn't need a new thread, after all. I hope I've helped you understand. I have no guilt for feeling like this; it's a natural reaction to things I went through, and over time, I hope I can learn to deal with it. Ironically, it helps to have experienced self-harm, first-hand - excuse the pun - as it gives me a neutral and understanding angle, I suppose.

Says it all, really.

Hi Zwang, surprisingly, your analogy actually made complete sense! I'm sorry for not understanding the first time. I did not know that when you said "people who self-harm" that you were referring to loved ones... I thought you were talking about "people" in general. My bad. I think your frog analogy is quite relatable in that case, and I'm glad you can pinpoint the source of your feelings. If only we could all...

I'm also glad that you didn't give in.

- AJ

Not your bad - I was referring to people in general. But it does derive from feelings relative to someone with whom I was once so close. It's just frustrating, and I guess I'm just "conflicted" between several emotions.