i dont remember and im afraid to...

Hi there,
well a little introduction is always great i suppose, i'm 23 female i was diagnosed with panic disorder & agoraphobia, my parents recently split, my mom has tried to take her life twice in the last 3 years (both times on life support, thank God she pulled through each time) at 14y/o i was severely ill and hospitalized for 10 months, at 15 i had bouts with ED's and SI, I was a cutter only i dont remember... i disasocciated when i did it and would wake up to what i had done, anyhow people talk about nightmares and such once on meds, i'm afraid to remember the hurt & some days im afraid it will start again, i dont know when it started or why exactly and im not sure how it ended, but just when the physical scars begin to fade i fear the emotional ones will come out (again) and im not sure how to deal with this, with taking meds, im terribly confused- do i take psych meds and live again, what if it makes me remember? what if i dont want to remember? what if i want to forget what i already know? ... so so confusing life can be.
Anyone else every experienced disasocciative episodes like this? any advice?

yes i go through that often. i dissociate when i si. i dont remember cuting or i dont remember cutin as much as i did. My therapsit dx me with DID though - mulitple personality disorders. alot of people dissociate when the si. have you told your therapist that you dissociate when you si and how it actually happens? it is important that you do. Do you remember picking up the blade to cut? I hope this helps.
try and stay safe