[Zenobia]

got to see my T today. We worked out some financial things, he straightened out my problems with billing and explained how things worked which were contrary to what the lady in billing told me. He told me not to even ever talk to them again. To go straight through him and he would make sure that if I need to get in on the spur of the moment and don't have the cash that he would still get me the discount. God I hate begging. Sigh. But it is a load off my mind.

We talked a lot about self-injury today. He believes that there is an addiction quality. But assured me that any addiction is beatable and that we need to look closely at the dynamics of self-injury cycle. So we worked the steps of the cycle backwards from injury to when the cycle begins trying to assess when intervention may be most successful. He made me realize that the whole thing starts way earlier then I thought. The beginning is that slight not right feeling that I try to ignore because it could be anything, lack of sleep or hunger to mild anxiety about something that is happening during the day. It isn't a feeling that I am totally aware of or should I say it is just so easily ignored because it is so subtle. He suggested that I start assuming that it is the beginning of the cycle. That was when I needed to start taking action to occupy my mind. I didn't tell him that if that is the case I am going to have no free time because I will be spending all my time doing stuff to keep my mind and hands busy.

We also worked out when I get to the shut down stage, the no going back stage and what the indication of that was. When things get bad, and I get dangerous (not the minor little pokes and jabs but the really dangerous times when more damage is done) I stop talking here, with you. I close down and shut up. He wants me to try to keep talking. He sensed the safety that I feel here and that I am more like to be able to speak to you all then I can even to him. So for the first time since I started coming here he actually encouraged me to keep it up. He was a bit against my using the internet for human contact because of what happened before I started coming here so it was a bit of a shock to hear him actually condoning my participation in this group. But that means talking about the visions in my head when I am spiraling down and I just don't think I can do that.

Finally, and most exhausting he got me to admit that I don't want to get better. That part of me refuses to get better. Then the (enter long line of cuss words here) session came to an end and now I am stuck with that. Why doesn't that part of me want to get better? Why do I like to hurt so much, crave to hurt so much? Is it because it holds my attention? Is it because that little girl who was ignored by her parents, beaten by her siblings and raped by her neighbor just doesn't want to take the chance that I will forget? How do I fix this. I do want to be happy but she can't take the chance.

I am so tired.

On the brightside I got the stripes laid out on my daughter's walls. I started taping but stopped because I needed to tell you all this stuff before the kids got home. I need to get more painter's tape anyway and more pop. It just doesn't feel right doing home improvements without pop.

What a big day.
Carrie

[dalila]

Gee I thought that part of me that liked being sick was unique to my personal warped being. Guess not. I remember going to therapist and admitting there was a part of me that was shrieking that she did not like all the changes, she did want to give up her behaviors and she would do anything to stay sick. For me the underlying issue is abandonment -- everyone I trusted, everyone I loved (except my dh, and even he had a tour of duty in miltary that I couldn't go with!) has left me. Even writing this is traumatic. I am so afraid that I will do or say something and be abandoned again. I have tried and tried and I still go into therapy scared she will tell me I am done or she is done with me. Any time I have had a real breakthrough like this or like what you experienced I am so tired afterwards and wound up at the same time. Ususally I go for a nice long walk, somehow that reintergrates my mind and body and I am ready to finish off the day and sleep like I have been poleaxed. The painting project sounds like a good ideal too -- and being creative should occupy more than just your body.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so glad you are posting here and that your T thinks so too. I am a firm believer in writing down how you feel and knowing that someone out there cares. It also has to be how it makes you feel.....if you feel good after talking to us here than that is the best right?

I can tell you are tired hun {{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}} therapy is draining and tiring. I am so sorry on how much you are hurting but I know that you are getting through this. Opening up to us is such a huge step....you have such great courage so hang onto that ok?

What is your favorite pop? Mine used to be pepsi but since I had my surgery I have not had one at all.....now all I have to do is quit smoking LOL .


Heather

[Zenobia]

<font color=green>Dalila,
During my whole first year of therapy I was frightened to death that my T was going to leave me like the other too did. I would ask him right out "are you making any plans to go" and he always said "No, I like it here because I don't have to worry about scheduling or billing or anything". He is rather lazy that way. During the second year, when I was really starting to feel better I got scared that he would make be go because I didn't need him anymore. I told him this and he reassured me that I can see him even when I am not sick. It will still cost me but I am more then welcome to sit in his office and talk to him all I want about how fine I am. Now I am scared to death that I won't be able to see him because of finances and once again he has told me that it doesn't matter he and I can work things out, as long as I need to see him I can. I wonder what it will be next, what abandonment senerio I will come up with in relation to my Therapist.

The Painting project turned out awesome. Day before yesterday we painted her walls soft sage green. Today we finished the stripes on the walls. They are six inches wide and a soft coral red color. I am going to run them up the ceiling, her ceilings are sloped so the ceiling strips will connect with the wall stripes. It is going to look so cool. I started on the trim, which is a darker coral in semi-gloss (instead of the flat paint I put on the walls) When that dries we are going to paint over it with a dark blue so it will give it a tile trim look.

<font color=blue>Heather,
Yes I am totally wiped out. I should sleep well tonight...or have vicious nightmares...should I take some sleeping pills?

I drink diet pop. I like colas with lemon or vanilla in them but like dr pepper the best. Unfortunately dr pepper tends to upset my stomach if I drink it in quantity like I do when I am painting. My diet pop habit started when I got into weight watchers. I never drank it before then. Now regular pop tastes too syruppy. I drink lots of water but when the tunes are up and the brush is in my hand it has to be pop.
Carrie

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sounds like a productive session. The part of your post that really gets my attention right now is about part of you not wanting to get better. It makes sense. Being this way, doing these things, has served a purpose. It has helped you in the past. It's hard to let go of something that has worked for you, even if there are better ways.

That's good that you know you will always be able to see your T, even if you are better.

I miss mine. I really like talking to him. Not being able to see him anymore is like losing a friend, even though I can e-mail him any time.

Oh, it's nice to know that your T endorses you coming here too! This is a good place. If I didn't have all of you here, I don't think I could deal with being dismissed from therapy. Posting here is more rewarding to me than writing to my T. I did finally tell my T that I was coming here, the last time I saw him. I was nervous about telling him - almost like I was being disloyal or something. But he had no problem with it either, and wondered why I was nervous to tell him.

Take Good Care, Carrie. I'm glad to have you as a friend.


<font color=orange>"Everyone has a need for significance; and if we can't make that possible, or even probable, in our society, then it will be obtained in destructive ways." -Rollo May</font color=orange>