[IchbinkeinTeufel]

... but apparently I can't. ¬_¬ I really have a strong urge, right now, through anger, self-hatred, confusion, fear, and ****ing whatever else it might be. I hate myself, and am so angry with so much. I know I'm just losing the plot because I'm triggered (OCD) ONCE AGAIN. I am so tired of being the way I am. I feel like therapy is a waste of time. I know there's nothing anyone here can probably say that'll help, so don't feel pressured or obliged to say something, .. knowing someone gives a crap, means enough as it is, TBH.

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

... but apparently I can't. ¬_¬ I really have a strong urge, right now, through anger, self-hatred, confusion, fear, and ****ing whatever else it might be. I hate myself, and am so angry with so much. I know I'm just losing the plot because I'm triggered (OCD) ONCE AGAIN. I am so tired of being the way I am. I feel like therapy is a waste of time. I know there's nothing anyone here can probably say that'll help, so don't feel pressured or obliged to say something, .. knowing someone gives a crap, means enough as it is, TBH.

My whole day has had this same feeling... It really does suck.... Unfortunately, I don't have any answers, as I'm fighting it, too.... But if you wanna talk and vent and whatever, know that I'm here, and I really do understand.... I'm sorry you're feeling this way, too...

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Thanks. I wouldn't know what to say, without freaking you the heck out. My latest OCD thread would say it all, but that could be incredibly triggering for you, for all I know.

I'm just picturing my toolbox, right now. My urges are getting stronger and stronger, that much I've noticed. Anger is my weakness, when it comes to staying away from SH. Anger was something that drove me to do it a lot, some years back. I reckon I'm getting more and more determined to give myself what I DESERVE, than to just stay unpunished. I kind-of feel like I've gone 4 years without punishment, ... it almost feels like a disgrace; a sin. My thoughts are wrong. I am wrong. I am sick. I deserve it. These are the sort of things going through my head.

EDIT:

I think I'll be fine, at least for tonight. I went through and spent a few minutes with our very adorable, 2-3 month-old rabbit, stroked him, fed him, then came back and lit a nice-smelling joss stick, ... dunno how I managed to crawl outta that hole, as I was literally standing in my room, staring at my toolbox, and thinking what stuff I could use. ¬_¬ This will be ever so exciting to tell my therapist. (sarcastic, much) Oh, I also stared at a reflection of myself in the window, and started telling myself I'm a good person, and to get a grip, and all that crap. ¬_¬ I feel crazy.

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

Thanks. I wouldn't know what to say, without freaking you the heck out. My latest OCD thread would say it all, but that could be incredibly triggering for you, for all I know.

I'm just picturing my toolbox, right now. My urges are getting stronger and stronger, that much I've noticed. Anger is my weakness, when it comes to staying away from SH. Anger was something that drove me to do it a lot, some years back. I reckon I'm getting more and more determined to give myself what I DESERVE, than to just stay unpunished. I kind-of feel like I've gone 4 years without punishment, ... it almost feels like a disgrace; a sin. My thoughts are wrong. I am wrong. I am sick. I deserve it. These are the sort of things going through my head.

EDIT:

I think I'll be fine, at least for tonight. I went through and spent a few minutes with our very adorable, 2-3 month-old rabbit, stroked him, fed him, then came back and lit a nice-smelling joss stick, ... dunno how I managed to crawl outta that hole, as I was literally standing in my room, staring at my toolbox, and thinking what stuff I could use. ¬_¬ This will be ever so exciting to tell my therapist. (sarcastic, much) Oh, I also stared at a reflection of myself in the window, and started telling myself I'm a good person, and to get a grip, and all that crap. ¬_¬ I feel crazy.

Sorry it took so long to reply.. My phone is stupid and wouldn't let me open the thread.

I actually can't find the OCD post... And feel free to say whatever you want... If it's something super triggering, you can private message me... I'm in a safe place (both physically and mentally- with the exception of being frustrated with some relationships), so I will be able to handle whatever you need to say.. I promise I will listen non-judgmentally...

I understand having those thoughts in your head, just constantly on repeat... I'm a terrible person, I am not worth anything. I'm the one who is f***ed up... It's hell, it really is... But try try try to remember that no matter what mistakes you have made, no matter what mental disorders you face, none of those make you who you are. You choose who you are... You don't have to punish yourself for anything, especially things out of your control... I know it's hard, but it's a fight we've gotta face every day... You can do it.

I'm glad your rabbit helped you, and as cliche as it is, I am guessing that your therapist is going to be very happy that you were at least trying... I think it's wonderful that you were able to slow down and start to contradict those thoughts on your own... That's actually really impressive to me... Even if you didn't actually believe them... You at least tried, and that is an incredible thing when your mind is in such a negative place... I'm really proud of you for that

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Cheers. I didn't do anything, in the end, but nights like that are getting more and more common.

I removed the OCD post (or the text therein) because I started getting paranoid as to what sick things people would assume of me. :| Lots of views, and absolutely zero interaction, will do that, on a thread as sensitive as that. Ah well. I know it's probably stupid of me - there's plenty of threads with tons of views and little interaction, but it doesn't mean everyone thinks they're hugely coocoo; it's just very easy to get that sorta paranoid, when it comes to OCD that manifests in certain very delicate ways.

Thanks for taking the time to post.

[IGotThis]

Seriously... Message me... Say whatever you want... I promise I will reply... You're right that we've all got a little bit of crazy in us, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be heard and helped out... Trust me, I know how hard it is to get no responses, when anything at all will help... I'll listen, and I'll reply... I won't leave you hanging... And if I can't talk right when you send it, I'll let you know and get back to you as soon as I can...

[Wren_]

glad you got through the night ... but i'm wondering if there is another therapist out there that might give you more help than what you are getting now? ...

threads sitting out there with lots of views but no reply are a big trigger for me, sorry that happened on the other one

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Thanks, guys. (the Thanks button wasn't enough )

I really don't think there's a problem with my therapist, but more CBT. I hate that the therapy is 20 sessions, and that's it. 6/20, and I'm already going whacko. >.< I don't see this helping me, but doing more damage, and then when I'm finished with the therapy, I'll be far, far more vulnerable than before I started! Hopefully I'm wrong, but that's how it feels, ATM. Maybe I'm just struggling with OCD, as what happens anyway, and I'm aiming that insecurity and frustration at the therapy.

I'll tell my therapist I got urges again, and that they were really bad, and that I was getting upset, and blah blah blah, but chances are, she'll react all blasé and carry on pushing me. I don't want to destroy 4 long, hard years of freedom from that crap, so for her to push me to the point I'd go screwy and, ... re, ... re-something, ... whatever that word is. My therapist seems to really know her stuff, and she does challenge me, which is good, but sometimes I think she doesn't realise where my line is, even though I tell her; I have this problem with a lot of people, and it does my head in, ... I've been down this road many times over the years, I've gone up and down more times than, ... an up-and-down thingy, ... so when I tell people my lines, and what screws me over, I truly mean it, but it's like they're thinking "Yeah, he knows jack-crap" or at least, that's the feeling/impression I get, from the way I see them act/talk; maybe all of this is in my head.

[Wren_]

I've seen therapists saying that CBT is really the "it" thing in the UK as far as therapy ... have you ever tried other styles before?
no you sure don't want to destroy the progress you've made

[IGotThis]

One thing that I found really helped when my therapist was pushing me too hard was to tell her just that, that I want to keep moving forward, but I need a break from the pushing first... I used the example of feeling like I was running a race on a broken leg.. I can get to the finish line, and I will, as long as I have the opportunity to sit down and give my leg a break every once in a while... I don't know if you would be able to share with her how that kind of reaction would affect you or now, but it may be worth a shot..

It may also be worth something to bring up your other feelings toward your therapy, and your fears about it with her. If nothing else, she may be able to reassure you that it is worth it, and help you find a way to look at it so that it has a better chance of working for you.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

have you ever tried other styles before?

Nope. This is the first therapy I've been in, since I was a kid. I had to jump a few hoops to get this therapy, and I feel like I might not get this opportunity so easily, another time. The frustrating and somewhat, seemingly asinine thing, is that I can't get direct mental-health support from Mind, because I'm already with Talking Space. ¬_¬

The way I only way I seem to be able to tickle any help out of Mind, is by going the route I'm already going down, and that is: getting help with my soon-to-be accommodation. Unfortunately, the help I'll be getting from Mind, won't really be all that aimed at mental-health, and more general support, like housing-related stuff, and, ... IDK if that's it or if I can get more help. I'll just keep asking, and see what happens.

I just feel so pathetic, asking for help so much; I already get a ton of help from so many people! I'm tired of being the "special case"; I've been this way since I was a child, ... actually, I know no other way.

IGotThis, I might try that, but it's CBT, and limited sessions, so I feel like that would be shooting myself in the foot. I feel like I have to "knucle-down" and do it all, not because of her, but because of the session limit, time limit, and pressure from other people.

Originally Posted by IGotThis

It may also be worth something to bring up your other feelings toward your therapy, and your fears about it with her.

Will definitely tell her about that.

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by Zwangsstörung

Nope. This is the first therapy I've been in, since I was a kid. I had to jump a few hoops to get this therapy, and I feel like I might not get this opportunity so easily, another time. The frustrating and somewhat, seemingly asinine thing, is that I can't get direct mental-health support from Mind, because I'm already with Talking Space. ¬_¬

The way I only way I seem to be able to tickle any help out of Mind, is by going the route I'm already going down, and that is: getting help with my soon-to-be accommodation. Unfortunately, the help I'll be getting from Mind, won't really be all that aimed at mental-health, and more general support, like housing-related stuff, and, ... IDK if that's it or if I can get more help. I'll just keep asking, and see what happens.

I just feel so pathetic, asking for help so much; I already get a ton of help from so many people! I'm tired of being the "special case"; I've been this way since I was a child, ... actually, I know no other way.

IGotThis, I might try that, but it's CBT, and limited sessions, so I feel like that would be shooting myself in the foot. I feel like I have to "knucle-down" and do it all, not because of her, but because of the session limit, time limit, and pressure from other people.


Will definitely tell her about that.

Oh my gosh!! I was wondering why it hadn't popped up with a reply!! Apparently I never actually submitted this I'm sorry!!

You can only do what you can do... Yes, I agree that you have to be careful since it's limited time, but make sure you take into consideration that if you are pushing yourself too hard, you won't get anything out of the therapy anyways, either from fear or something else...

And there is nothing wrong with being the special case.. Yes, sometimes it is a pain in the ***, but that's the world we live... No matter what other people tell you.. You are beautifully as wonderfully made... Perfectly imperfect... All those stupid clichés- they're true...