[SheHulk07]

I haven't posted in this part of the forum, just a few posts in the anxiety forum. I'm not new to self injury--cutting, but it's gotten bad (for me) within the last 2 months where I've been doing it more often and worse than normal.

Anyway, on Friday I had an appointment with my therapist that really upset me by the time I left. I was shaking during the session. I wrote him a letter the previous session, and he told me that he read my letter, and it wasn't anything that surprised him and that it was helpful. But he kept pushing me to try medication again. He basically drilled me about the reasons why I'm so resistant to it, which turned into me talking about my father and my childhood when I'm 27 years old. And just saying that he wasn't going to let me leave until I either said No or could agree to try the med for 2 months. And I feel like now I'm even more of a disappointment and failure because I can't function without meds. I actually told him I might just take the whole bottle, and he said it wouldn't do anything but make me sick. So now I just feel stupid. Not to mention that I told him I'd rather be dead than have my IVIG infusion this week so I don't know what to do anymore.

That night I was still extremely upset, so I ended up taking some pills but not enough to do any damage but feel a bit sick. Does that count as self harm or an attempt? I have a session coming up this Friday, and I'm not sure if I should call him tomorrow and let him know so he'll be prepared on Friday or not talk about it at all. What would you do?

It depends how you viewed it at the time. Did you do it to just hurt yourself or to try and end your life?

You should talk to him about it. If your self harm is getting worse then yes you should speak with him. Especially if taking pills is becoming more frequent. Although at the time you might feel ok, or just a bit sick, there could be a lot of internal damage that you're unaware of

I think the "taking the pills" thing depends on your INTENT. I think it simply classifies as one of those dumb things in life that we ALL do (not an attempt or SH).

As for your T. I can kinda relate with your issue of them being the *cause* of some of your stress / need-to-SH. Only you will know the answer to this - but maybe you need a different T. Maybe this T is great at what they do, but their methods do not work for you. Maybe another T could work better without upsetting you so much.

[SheHulk07]

I actually really like my therapist I think we were just talking about some really sensitive stuff and it triggered me. He wants me to try the meds for two months, which I just filled it.

As far as the intent, I'm not sure. I just felt defeated and a burden to everyone, including my therapist. However I knew what took wasn't enough but was hoping for something to happen. I have an autoimmune bleeding disorder and I'm not supposed to take ibuprofen because it can lower my blood count, yet that's one of the things I took.

Maybe talking it through with your therapist will help you to understand the intent if you aren't really sure

[SheHulk07]

I don't know whether to call him today and leave a message to get back to me or just wait until I see him Friday morning. Do you think it would be better for him to know beforehand or just wait and spill it at our session?

Thats something I don't know. Does he normally plan the way sessions go, like what he wants to work through? If not I would just go and spill. Although if that means you will be likely to keep it to yourself you should probably phone beforehand...

Its whatever you feel most comfortable with really

[SheHulk07]

Normally I just go in there and talk about how the week was, but the last session I talked to him beforehand and wrote a letter that we worked on during the session. I don't even know what I would say if I called so I'll probably wait.

[mazing]

Could you write to him again? If you are unsure how to say it in person it could be a good idea. That way you can say what you need to and it can take away some of that anxiety.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling to pressured at the moment I'm sure he is only trying to help and may not realise that he has pushed you this far.

[SheHulk07]

Thank you. I started writing him a letter and will give it to him on Friday. The next two days I will be at my doctors office all day getting an infusion so i will be too sick to do any self harm thankfully.

[SheHulk07]

I wrote him a letter, but ended up spilling my guts to him instead of giving him the letter. He was legitimately concerned since this was something that was new for me, and called it a parasuicide attempt. We talked about it a little, but I'm sure he'll bring it up again next week. Guess it wasn't too concerning because he wouldn't have let me leave if that was the case. Thanks for everyone's help.

I'm glad you could talk about it. I hope ithelped