[SheHulk07]

The past two days have been extremely stressful. My oldest is having his "bad days" at school, and causing me so much stress trying to make sure he has a good day and talking to teachers, principals, OT,etc. Bills are piling up, surgery is getting closer, it just doesn't end.

If my husband wasn't here right now and my kids were in bed, I'd probably take some pills again.

I just don't know what the answer is anymore, and I feel like I'm doing everything without any support.

[grey_aj]

Well, whatever the answer is, you and I both know that it is NOT pills!

I don't know about the state of your marriage, but can you share your load with your husband? As for your oldest, sometimes I think the only thing you can do is to give him some space and be slightly more patient (although I'm sure you're doing that already).

I don't really know what else to say, but I hope everything works out okay for you.

- AJ

[neeshi]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Hopefully today will be a bit better for you.

[SheHulk07]

My oldest is only 5, so space is unfortunately not an option. He has sensory processing disorder, and it's affecting school a lot so it's stressful for me.

I have an appointment with my therapist in an hour, so hopefully I can just let some stuff out.

[gayleggg]

Hope it goes well with your therapist. Sounds like you definitely need the support. Best wishes.

[SheHulk07]

We talked about the pills again, and he wants me to get rid of any of the pills that I don't need as a safety plan because he says he doesn't trust me to call if I need help, and to just do it. I really don't know if I'll throw them all away. But now I'm treading in deep water, because he said if I admit to 'experimenting' how many to take that he'll be forced to admit me.

Cutting is something I'm used to, taking pills is totally new and different for me. Part of it is that I can hide it better than scars, and with surgery coming up, I don't want a bunch of scars all over me. Has anyone had a complete switch in the way they self harm?

I agree that getting rid of the pills is the safest option. But I know how hard that is. I think my T has given up asking now because he knows that I won't... Whenever i have given them up I've always started hoarding straight after, they are my safety net!

It's a dangerous game to play though. I haven't used pills as SI for a long long time now, only for actual attempts...

Make sure if your thoughts do go down that route to tell him, so that he can help.

[SheHulk07]

I told him that I was thinking about it last night, but I didn't have any alone time or I would have probably done it unfortunately. I think about it a lot, and he knows that, but the past few weeks it's changed from thinking to doing which is why he says he's concerned.

[SheHulk07]

Do you ever feel like you're pushing your therapist to see how far you can go before they do something? I feel like I'm seeing how far I can go, and that's a dangerous thing I know.

[TheWell]

Tell him that

[SheHulk07]

I think if I told him I'm seeing how far I can push myself or him, 911 would be called in 2 seconds. He already warned me last session that if I told him that I was experimenting with how many drugs I could take until something happened, that he'd have to call 911.

[aern01]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

I think if I told him I'm seeing how far I can push myself or him, 911 would be called in 2 seconds. He already warned me last session that if I told him that I was experimenting with how many drugs I could take until something happened, that he'd have to call 911.

AmyFed07--To a lesser degree,I am where U R. Thankfully for me I am not as suicidal as U R,but I am more suicidal than I have been in 15+ yrs? I am thank-
ful to have a great psych doc,& therapist. Like U,sometimes I wonder how short
of expressly saying that I am going to act on my desires,what would cause either
of my psych docs to admit me to the psych unit. For me the hard part is volun-
tarily going to the psych unit. I need either my doc or therapist to say " U need
to B in the hospital!" I don't do well when the decision is left up to me.
AmyFed07--It sounds like U R a lot like me. U know the hospital is the best place
4 U,but U need someone else to make the decision for U. I would urge U to call
your doc or therapist & B 100% honest about where U R & what your thinking
& feeling. If hospitalization is recommended,please follow it.

Good Luck!!!

[SheHulk07]

Thank you for your support.
I was actually thinking of calling the crisis line today because I'm to the point of wanting to cancel all my doctor and therapist appointments because I'm done feeling like a burden to them. I haven't thrown away my pills. I'm just having a hard time this week.

Maybe you should call the crisis line. If not definitely call your T. Not to cancel though. You're not a burden to them. Are things getting worse as the week progresses or staying much the same?

[gayleggg]

And I thought I was the only one that hoarded meds.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

And I thought I was the only one that hoarded meds.

I've been hoarding for years

[SheHulk07]

Things are so up and down lately. I've been doing bad in my class, stress at home with the holidays coming up and money problems plus my surgery. Not to mention my husband's uncle passed away yesterday. I just don't want my therapist to feel like I'm wasting his time because I feel like I'm not stable on my meds yet and we've been talking about the same thing every week.

It's their job to help you through the instability

Sorry for your loss

[SheHulk07]

That's one of the things that I'm trying to understand and be okay with. I think my therapist is out today because of the holiday so I can't contact him, and I've never contacted their crisis line, esp not if I'm not on the verge of doing something. Which is probably what his point was lol.

Ok if you feel like you are on the verge though then place make sure to phone the number

[SheHulk07]

I ended up going on a crisis chat line during my lunch break and talked a bit. I wish I could just e-mail my therapist instead of calling him or calling a random line.

[SheHulk07]

I ended up taking 1300 mg of Naproxen tonight, but not to self harm even though it's above the dose. I'm in sooo much pain physically, and I just want it to go away. Not the same thing, right?

[aern01]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

I ended up taking 1300 mg of Naproxen tonight, but not to self harm even though it's above the dose. I'm in sooo much pain physically, and I just want it to go away. Not the same thing, right?

AmyFed07--I am so glad that you reached out to a crisis line. I understand your
desire to cancel your psych appts,but PLEASE DON'T CANCEL your appts. Call
your psych doc and your therapist's office & ask if there is any way you can e-mail your providers. Obviously you can't communicate solely this way,but if this
will make it easier for you to go in to see your providers face to face then it can be a positive tool. I use e-mail frequently with my therapist.
One thing you mentioned I can identify with completely is feeling like you are a burden to your friends,family,co-workers,& as you pointed out your psych doc &
therapist. I have felt the exact same way. Recently,I have felt that way about my
therapist. I have voiced that to him & he assured me that he did not regret taking me on a as a pt. I strongly encourage you to directly ask your psych doc & therapist if they consider you a burden or feel they have done all they can for
you. You can decide what to do based on their answers. Now is really when you
need to see your psych professionals & get help before something goes terribly
wrong. Hang in there. You Can Make It!!!

[@nonymous]

An online source suggests that the maximum dosage for Naproxen is 1500 mg, so you may not have overdosed, but you are approaching the maximum dosage.

[SheHulk07]

It wasn't for self harm at all, but I still feel guilty because of what I'm struggling with, you know? Like there's that fine line, and I have been using naproxen with other meds to self harm, but it's also the only thing I have the okay to take for pain. Ugh.

And I can't email my therapist, I've asked him previously about it.I might call the center today and see if he can call me back today instead of taking a day to get back to me.