[ThisWayOut]

I told my T that I had not self harmed the last 2 days. She asked what changed. I told her it started to hurt, so I am taking a break. She said it showed self-care to be able to recognize that I don't want to cause myself more physical pain... I guess that's good. Progress?

I start an IOP on Monday (orientation meeting tomorrow) where I was told that they have a zero-tolerance policy for self harm... I will have to ask tomorrow what that means exactly. I know I should stop, but it's a weaning-off process, not something that can be done cold-turkey.

::shrugs:: just needed to tell someone that, since my wife does not know I had been self-harming recently...

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I told my T that I had not self harmed the last 2 days. She asked what changed. I told her it started to hurt, so I am taking a break. She said it showed self-care to be able to recognize that I don't want to cause myself more physical pain... I guess that's good. Progress?

I start an IOP on Monday (orientation meeting tomorrow) where I was told that they have a zero-tolerance policy for self harm... I will have to ask tomorrow what that means exactly. I know I should stop, but it's a weaning-off process, not something that can be done cold-turkey.

::shrugs:: just needed to tell someone that, since my wife does not know I had been self-harming recently...

I agree that it's progress to realize, and then act on your recognition that you don't want to cause yourself more harm.. Congratulations on letting that go, even if it's only temporary.... A few days is a few days, right? It's actually a huge step in my eyes..

I agree that it is a weaning off process, but sometimes the most reasonable way of stopping isn't the way they make you.... I fear that if they do really mean absolutely nothing, you will either not be completely honest, which will hinder your recovery, you will just stop and be okay, you will try to stop, and not be able to fight the urge and hurt yourself worse, or do it and get dismissed from the IOP.... Please let us know what they say, because I want to be here for you to help you through it if they don't say what you want (or even if they do, I'm still here)...

It's no problem... I understand the need to just tell someone, but not being able to talk to the people sitting right next to you...

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by IGotThis

I agree that it is a weaning off process, but sometimes the most reasonable way of stopping isn't the way they make you.... I fear that if they do really mean absolutely nothing, you will either not be completely honest, which will hinder your recovery, you will just stop and be okay, you will try to stop, and not be able to fight the urge and hurt yourself worse, or do it and get dismissed from the IOP.... Please let us know what they say, because I want to be here for you to help you through it if they don't say what you want (or even if they do, I'm still here)...

It's no problem... I understand the need to just tell someone, but not being able to talk to the people sitting right next to you...

I have a feeling I will not be too honest with them about the self-harming... They can hold you for 72 hours in this state for very little, and a doctor had already tried for my sh a few months ago. I do not want to go through that again. I can talk to my T about it (she does not get too worked up over it, but there is a legit safety concern so we have agreed that I will be completely honest with her about it), but I hesitate to let anyone else in on it. I guess I will feel out the staff at the IOP and figure out my boundaries with that. I would prefer to be able to be honest about it and seek support in working through it, but at the same time, I am not sure I am ready to stop. It brings with is such relief and release... it helps keep the suicidal thinking in check.

Thanks for being here and responding to everything.

I know I should be able to trust the person I'm with, but I have put her through so much trauma with it already, I don't want to compound that. My self-harm is VERY upsetting to her. I just try to keep it in check and only tell her when I absolutely HAVE to say something (like when it was starting to get out of control over the summer and I felt I needed a short hospital stay to interrupt the cycle... I told her then because I needed to explain the trip).

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I have a feeling I will not be too honest with them about the self-harming... They can hold you for 72 hours in this state for very little, and a doctor had already tried for my sh a few months ago. I do not want to go through that again. I can talk to my T about it (she does not get too worked up over it, but there is a legit safety concern so we have agreed that I will be completely honest with her about it), but I hesitate to let anyone else in on it. I guess I will feel out the staff at the IOP and figure out my boundaries with that. I would prefer to be able to be honest about it and seek support in working through it, but at the same time, I am not sure I am ready to stop. It brings with is such relief and release... it helps keep the suicidal thinking in check.

Thanks for being here and responding to everything.

I know I should be able to trust the person I'm with, but I have put her through so much trauma with it already, I don't want to compound that. My self-harm is VERY upsetting to her. I just try to keep it in check and only tell her when I absolutely HAVE to say something (like when it was starting to get out of control over the summer and I felt I needed a short hospital stay to interrupt the cycle... I told her then because I needed to explain the trip).

I am happy that you have a T you can be open with about it... I understand it helping keeping the suicidal thing at bay, so I also understand not necessarily being ready to let go of it...

Anytime

Here's the thing, I don't see it as you not trusting her with it... I believe that you can trust her with it... I see it as you caring about her, and not wanting to hurt her more with it unless it's absolutely necessary... I am the same way with my mom and being suicidal... While I will tell her when I need to go in, I don't talk to her about it until then because I know she would be insanely upset ... While it sucks not being able to talk to her about it, I understand why you would be hesitant to talk to her...

[reesecups]

When I first started a PHP in March, I was still self-harming. My T outside of group and I had discussed it. When I self-harmed after starting group, my therp helped to convince me that I should be honest and let my case manager in group know. And when I did it a few times, I told her. I was ashamed and embarrassed. Then I got another case manager. Wanted me to be hospitalized for it, but my pdoc there didn't push it. Thank God!

My current case manager wax aware that it was in issue for me, made me agree to talk to her if I had the impulse. The first time I did it, she was able to talk me down. The next time I talked to her she mentioned something along the lines that she wax glad I didn't because she would have me hospitalized! I had never heard that before for minor SI. I talked again to her to try to explain that I felt hospital was more bad than good for me. It wasn't the answer. She told me she would still do it.

I haven't SI'd since then, but if I did, as much as I like her, I would not tell her. NO WAY! Bug I will always keep the communication going with my outside therp.

Maybe you can ask your case manager her thoughts about what IF you self-injure?

[ThisWayOut]

It doesn't much matter. I'm no longer welcome at the iop because I asked to be hospitalized for suicidal urges last week. They deemed me too much of a risk. If my therapist feels the same way, I lose her too. I'm done with being honest and asking for help. It always ends with the loss of a support. Its not worth it. I'm just going to struggle through this while keeping all that crap to myself. My wife is tired of the ups and downs. She's as burnt out as everyone else. I can't lose her too. I'm still fighting all this crap for the time being. And I'll make an effort with my t. If things still are tough at the beginning of the year, I will try a residential program. After that, I'm out of ideas...

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

It doesn't much matter. I'm no longer welcome at the iop because I asked to be hospitalized for suicidal urges last week. They deemed me too much of a risk. If my therapist feels the same way, I lose her too. I'm done with being honest and asking for help. It always ends with the loss of a support. Its not worth it. I'm just going to struggle through this while keeping all that crap to myself. My wife is tired of the ups and downs. She's as burnt out as everyone else. I can't lose her too. I'm still fighting all this crap for the time being. And I'll make an effort with my t. If things still are tough at the beginning of the year, I will try a residential program. After that, I'm out of ideas...

No IOP helped me and it took months in a PHP to help. I know if you're suicidal, that they want you hospitalized. Have you thought of DBT? I've heard and read a lot of positives about it, but, unfortunately I can't afford to do it. Why would you lose your therp over suicidal thoughts? I'm confused, especially if that is one of the reasons you are going?

[ThisWayOut]

reesecups, I like day programs because of the added support. It took a long time for me to be comfortable with them, however I figured out how to get what I need (extra time to process things, and something else to fall back on) when I am more needy/in crisis. I have tried DBT many times, and have been kicked out each time for failing miserably (it was more of a trigger than a help, except this last time, but that group fizzled for lack of interest. By the 4th week, we only had 2 of us going). My issues with DBT stem from the way it is taught. It is very reminiscent of the way I was taught in childhood, which is a huge trigger for me. There's never a chance to talk things out. It always made me feel like I did everything wrong. After 6 failed attempts, I refuse to put myself in that position again.
The reason I may lose my T is because she is a T through the local sexual assault crisis center. I have to be "stable" in order to work on the trauma, and if I am not, then they will refer me out to someone else. My only problem is that I have yet to be able to stay stable when working on the trauma stuff, but this is the best I have ever been while doing it. I hope my T calls today and I can still see her...