UGH STOP IT. :sob:

What's WRONG with me? Seriously last session T took in all the ways I was harming myself (With my meds and cutting) and goes, "What can I do to help you? What are we going to do? You obviously need some more support than I can give you, you need someone more available to you." And I'm like, "I don't know what to do!" And she goes, "I really think you could do better with a clinic closer to home, with the med docs in the same building, I could transfer you out, you wouldn't have to go through the waiting list, you'd go right in." And my heart just froze. She thinks I'm not working hard enough and that my issues are too much for her.

Yet what am I excited about? Book buy backs at the college are tomorrow and I'm going to go buy myself a new box cutter with TONS of blades. Mean while my T is getting me into a residential facility where I can't self-harm. UGH wtf is wrong with my HEAD.

I COULD LOSE MY T WHOM I LOVE AND ADORE AND I STILL CAN'T STOP.

I THINK I HAVE A PROBLEM.
I mean i knew I had an issue when I was making blades out of every day objects cause i have no money.
BUT MY T? I'M GOING TO SACRIFICE MY T FOR THIS?

How do I stop? Someone please!?

I don't know how to tell you to stop, but I feel like I'm in a similar situation. It would be nice to have an answer to that question of "What can I do to help you". Make it go away!

I'm sorry you're going through this

Is it possible to go to residential treatment and then when you're done with the program, go back to seeing your regular T? She obviously just wants what is best for you, she isn't trying to push you off on someone else because she doesn't like you or anything like that, she just doesn't think she can meet your needs and is looking out for your best interests. I know it doesn't appear that way, I'm sorry

Please look for alternatives to buying the box cutter...call your T, email your T, text your T (or substitute T for a trusted friend). You can stop this. Cutting is only a temporary relief, not a permanent one.

I'll be seeing her while in the facility thank god. I just am scared I've passed into the realm of addiction....its all I think about

I don't think your T thinks your not working hard enough, or that your issues are too much for her. I think she wants you to be as safe as possible, and recognizes with just her in your treatment care you are not. Thus the clinic; another way to keep you as safe as possible while under her care.

My case worker has done similar with me. That's why I have a T! My Case Manager is the one who will be with me no matter what happens, and she is my stability. SHe's been on sick leave and when she gets back I have to tell her all the terrible things I did so I understand it's scary, and I understand how hard it is too stop because it is an addiction. Is there perhaps a way of lessening it? Maybe don't buy the box cutter, just do with what you have. Or don't cut deeper than a certain amount, or less cuts than a certain number a day?

If you feel you can't stop, don't stop right now. But do things that can make cutting safer for you. I know that sounds counter productive, but it can help a lot when you do decide to stop. My fiancé makes me sterilize everything and clean my cuts after. He doesn't approve but he knows I'm not going to stop so he lets me as long as I do it safely. And he still loves me and accepts me for me with no judgement. I'm sure you T isn't going to judge you as a person for the fact that you cut or have issues. For one, it's kinda her job not to lol.

My current T was overwhelmed with my SI and suicidal ideation. She knew I needed more help than she could give and until then, I had refused to be in the hospital. I finally gave in. She promised me if I could get stabilized that she could help me. I was touched. Made me want to help myself. So I did voluntarily commit myself and upon discharge from hospital was assigned to go to a PHP. For the first month, I hated every minute of it. Only stayed because of my promise to my therp is that I would try to help myself (even though I didn't have any hope).

I'm going through a lot right now physically and instead of automatically SI'ing or suicidal ideation, I'm just looking to get by one day at a time.

That way of maintaining would not have probably been possible if I had not accepted the extra help my therp wanted me to. You're therp obviously cares. I think she cares enough to know if you're at a point you need the additional help. Can you feel at least enough caring by her, to trust that what she is telling you will be in your best interest, even though it may not feel that way right now?

Good luck.