[ThisWayOut]

The thoughts are coming back (i would not categorize them as urges at this time, just want to do it not a need). I want to self harm i think because i don't know what else to make if this semi - depression. I know what to do with depression when i actually feel sad, but this is different. I don't feel sad, but i don't feel happy or even content either. It's a "neither" feeling. It feels different than numb also, because with numb I'm at least aware of the feelings I'm not feeling (does that even make sense? Numb to me is having depression or hopelessness or something in the background, but I'm just not feeling it. This is not being aware of anything in the background except a void of feeling). Maybe my walls got a lot more effective this holiday season and i managed to block even hints of emotion out, be it good or bad.
So anyway, the self harm thoughts are back because i know what to do with them. They are familiar and I'm not left so confused. The void is very confusing. I just want to be hurt. It's easier to handle.

I'm sorry. I don't think I'm making any sense with this post... i wish my t was back from vacation. I have couple's t later this week, but it's not the same. I kinda want to talk about this with someone, but not sure who. Guess I'll just write it out for when t gets back the end of next week. :/

[Samanthagreene]

Good luck. Try to hold our until your t gets back.

[mazing]

It makes sense to me I have had that feeling (or lack of feeling) before.

Writing it all out for when your T returns sounds like a good idea. It's a good way to get it out and try to make sense of what you are feeling.

If you ever just want to chat please feel free to contact me too - I am always happy to listen.

[smmath]

I completely understand (I think) what you are going through. I am kind of in that same position myself, and I find it disconcerting. I am the type of person who has to be analyzing something at all times, so when there is nothing in my mind to go over I feel lost. Then I want to SI to make myself feel something that I can deal with not this limbo. I also can relate to the feeling of wanting to be hurt. I deal with that a lot. I think talking about your feelings and working to find some coping methods for the "now" will really help you, more-so then trying to stay above water until you can see you therapist.

Please PM me if you want to talk, maybe we can help each other.

[ThisWayOut]

I wrote some stuff out, but I found myself going in circles. Then I remembered my T saying I need to not get lost on that train of thought. I tried to condense what I was saying and move on. I still don't really know what this is, and it bothers me. Trying just to do art and get other release. I know I can't SI. The thoughts are never-ending, but I'm actively doing other things to not give in... I wish I knew what this limbo is. It's nothing I recognize. I have not SI'd since the middle of November, I can't give in now. I'm resorting to other means of getting similar sensations. It's working at the moment.
Thank you for the offers to chat. I just would not know what to say... I think that's a big part of my problem, I just have no words to convey everything. I don't even have the pictures in my head because I really don't know what it all is. very frustrating...