[ResaLock]

So I am seeing my therapist today...and its causing me pain on top of the pain I already have.

I find my therapist to be triggering. I hate him!!!

...but this is not about that...

I punched myself in the face today. I started doing this in the last few years. I tried to find things on line about it. Many things on line. ...but not much detail about it. I have given myself black eyes and lumps all over my face and head.

The thing is, its my spouse who used to punch me in the head. ...but in the back of the head.

Now I just punch myself ...hes happy with that!!!!

I am thinking it happens related to people blaming us for what they do and I think it sticks in our minds like that.
Its just a thought about it.

When people seem to flip things backwards or blame me for their problems or what they did. I punch myself in the face hard. Many times.

I also do it...because I find myself to be worthless. ...and to even say anything or speak against others attacks or wrong to be worthless.

Well I got triggered today by ignorant people who want to play self important and silence me. ---Its common among people who are victimized isn't it?---
Silencing the victim and blaming us!

Its a mind rape!

The thing is... they win!!! They win when they torment you and blame you and you hurt yourself!!! They love it!!! Your abusers are the one to give the guidance and they SPEW THEIR IGNORANCE!!!

Your just left there punching yourself in the head and face with their backwards thoughts.

I hate my face, I hate my brain and I don't want to know any thoughts and for it just not to exist!!!

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sorry - we care here

[Frankbtl]

Hi, really with you, but first of all I've got to ask the obvious WHY are you still with your therapist (not changed him) AND your spouse???
To me?????????????
Now I'd say that you've done really well pinning down your causes/triggers (lots of different causes/triggers for lots of different people but yours are really understandable) and that can be a great first step in moving on/through the SI.
I may be repeating things you've heard or thought before but............you know NO-ONE deserves that sort of power over you don't you. If they were actually hitting you themselves you know that would be wrong, so why allow them have you do that on their behalf (so to speak)?
As for blaming you for things they know weren't down to you, perhaps see it as THEIR weakness or just as you said their ignorance, you really don't HAVE to own that for them. Then of course you could maybe help them with their weaknesses or ignorance?? Maybe it's hard for them to admit vulnerability, vulnerability on the part of others, need to feel in control, have difficulties understanding others, really don't "get" what's going on, can't empatise............the list goes on. But if you can at least be one calm voice in putting across your point of view then maybe after enough times it might just start to make a little difference, but whatever at least you've tried and you've done what you know is the "right" thing????? Maybe take the "higher ground"?? You don't have to get "sucked in".
And as for feeling worthless......as for hating any part of you......I guess that's coming from the way they are making you feel?? BUT try to take everyone who has hurt you out of the equation and see yourself as you REALLY are right now, who you REALLY are, now I'm really hoping that you can see yourself in a much truer light, a lot of the ACTUAL positives about you?? Because I'm SURE they are there!!!!

Now SORRY but I've just got to go back to your spouse (for me!) really am wondering whether your experiences of the abuse, trying to move on from them and accepting (??) they happened are playing a big part in all of this. Maybe you need to go back to dealing with that a bit more? Maybe counseling? Maybe couples counseling? Even though I'm really not sure why you're with him anyway!!

If you want to talk more, would like to try and help............

Alison

[ResaLock]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi, really with you, but first of all I've got to ask the obvious WHY are you still with your therapist (not changed him) AND your spouse???
To me?????????????
Now I'd say that you've done really well pinning down your causes/triggers (lots of different causes/triggers for lots of different people but yours are really understandable) and that can be a great first step in moving on/through the SI.
I may be repeating things you've heard or thought before but............you know NO-ONE deserves that sort of power over you don't you. If they were actually hitting you themselves you know that would be wrong, so why allow them have you do that on their behalf (so to speak)?
As for blaming you for things they know weren't down to you, perhaps see it as THEIR weakness or just as you said their ignorance, you really don't HAVE to own that for them. Then of course you could maybe help them with their weaknesses or ignorance?? Maybe it's hard for them to admit vulnerability, vulnerability on the part of others, need to feel in control, have difficulties understanding others, really don't "get" what's going on, can't empatise............the list goes on. But if you can at least be one calm voice in putting across your point of view then maybe after enough times it might just start to make a little difference, but whatever at least you've tried and you've done what you know is the "right" thing????? Maybe take the "higher ground"?? You don't have to get "sucked in".
And as for feeling worthless......as for hating any part of you......I guess that's coming from the way they are making you feel?? BUT try to take everyone who has hurt you out of the equation and see yourself as you REALLY are right now, who you REALLY are, now I'm really hoping that you can see yourself in a much truer light, a lot of the ACTUAL positives about you?? Because I'm SURE they are there!!!!

Now SORRY but I've just got to go back to your spouse (for me!) really am wondering whether your experiences of the abuse, trying to move on from them and accepting (??) they happened are playing a big part in all of this. Maybe you need to go back to dealing with that a bit more? Maybe counseling? Maybe couples counseling? Even though I'm really not sure why you're with him anyway!!

If you want to talk more, would like to try and help............

Alison

Actually thinking about responding to this. I probably should write a thread on this. Its actually a long story on why I am with my spouse.

--- I tried to leave him on several occasions, and even sought out help and support.
...but I am sure I have a story as many do for the most part of why people have not left their spouse.
...and yes I have heard many many people ask that...and thats ok. Its got to be asked to understand.

The thing is...its like the phrase is said, " Its easier said than done."

Like I said I have tried to leave him. I have left several times. Even trying to go where I thought he would not follow me. (Of course this was years ago.) He would show up at people's doorsteps and he either had a caring demeanor (yet manipulative) and we need to do things to make things better. (Also to note he NEVER admitted or apologized to anything he did. Accept once by accident when it slipped out.
He has harassed and threatened families who has tried to help me. He has manipulated families who has tried to help me ACTING in a kind way outwardly.

I went to seek counsel and he used that against me in court to get away with his charges. He would use my counsel against me and tell the courts that I am mentally ill. I was only diagnosed with depression at that time and I was getting counsel for domestic violence. My spouse used it to call me crazy when he would abuse me. Yes I had injuries, but every time he would gt caught abusing me. He would say. Shes crazy and needs to be put on medication. He has had me put in the hospital to get away with charges of abuse, even threatening me with my children. Telling me if I tell they will take my kids away and you will never see them again!

Well he did that...and threatened me with my children. He took my children and used them against me. Even encouraging them to abuse me.
I would NOT leave my children. THE MAIN REASON WHY WOMEN DO NOT LEAVE!
It is different now...
...but now I am stuck...I have NOTHING!!! NO where to go. I am disabled, and suffer a lot of pain from all of the abuse. I have been isolated and my life destroyed. I have PTSD and no one wants to deal with someone with PTSD.
I am my own spouses piece of crap damaged goods.

I cannot have friends because I have triggers, crying every day. ...and nothing but a painful life that no one wants to hear about.

I am stuck with someone who broke me so bad no one would even be friends with me...accept him who is my worse enemy, who left me in a terror nightmare. Who has nothing but this insane fatal attraction who cannot see the damage he did. Which I live everyday... That he reminds me of how much of a problem I am because of the damage....that he did and denies.

[ResaLock]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi, really with you, but first of all I've got to ask the obvious WHY are you still with your therapist (not changed him) AND your spouse???
To me?????????????
Now I'd say that you've done really well pinning down your causes/triggers (lots of different causes/triggers for lots of different people but yours are really understandable) and that can be a great first step in moving on/through the SI.
I may be repeating things you've heard or thought before but............you know NO-ONE deserves that sort of power over you don't you. If they were actually hitting you themselves you know that would be wrong, so why allow them have you do that on their behalf (so to speak)?
As for blaming you for things they know weren't down to you, perhaps see it as THEIR weakness or just as you said their ignorance, you really don't HAVE to own that for them. Then of course you could maybe help them with their weaknesses or ignorance?? Maybe it's hard for them to admit vulnerability, vulnerability on the part of others, need to feel in control, have difficulties understanding others, really don't "get" what's going on, can't empatise............the list goes on. But if you can at least be one calm voice in putting across your point of view then maybe after enough times it might just start to make a little difference, but whatever at least you've tried and you've done what you know is the "right" thing????? Maybe take the "higher ground"?? You don't have to get "sucked in".
And as for feeling worthless......as for hating any part of you......I guess that's coming from the way they are making you feel?? BUT try to take everyone who has hurt you out of the equation and see yourself as you REALLY are right now, who you REALLY are, now I'm really hoping that you can see yourself in a much truer light, a lot of the ACTUAL positives about you?? Because I'm SURE they are there!!!!

Now SORRY but I've just got to go back to your spouse (for me!) really am wondering whether your experiences of the abuse, trying to move on from them and accepting (??) they happened are playing a big part in all of this. Maybe you need to go back to dealing with that a bit more? Maybe counseling? Maybe couples counseling? Even though I'm really not sure why you're with him anyway!!

If you want to talk more, would like to try and help............

Alison

Who am I ???

" damaged goods "

[Frankbtl]

Hi, shall we say that you're feeling damaged instead (??) and that would be completely understandable considering what you've been though. Of course it's going to have a big effect on you, changed you in some ways but that doesn't mean that you aren't still you underneath all of that or can't still take control and let "you" out.
In a way I'm glad it's not a deliberate choice you're making to stay with him which gives you "one foot in the door".
It more so sounds like you've been lacking support (inc. practical support) and feel trapped on top of the all the emotional influence he's had/has over you. But you know, you deserve SO much better!!
Just seizing on something: you said you were disabled, do you have a social worker/case worker (sorry I'm not familiar with the job titles over there) you could explain the situation to. If you do maybe they could help you in more practical terms in getting him out of your life??
And I know that some/any (?) of the time you probably feel you've no strength to fight against things, feel it's hopeless to try to get out of the situation but you really need to push to get some help. It might not always be easy to come across but you owe it to yourself after everything you've been through.
Have you thought about contacting or already contacted women's shelters/hotlines for support? They may not be the exact resource you need but they SHOULD be able to point you in the right direction.
Attaching some links below, sorry if you've tried them but worth a go:
WOMEN SHELTERS New Jersey
New Jersey Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
And the lack of interest in PTSD, again I'd say you just haven't found the right people yet, don't let that put you off pushing for someone to help. Plenty of people ARE going to treat that just as seriously as it warrants don't be swayed by those who don't.
I don't know, friends are great and I'd really want that for you, but maybe JUST right now it might be an idea to pull on all the professional support (including emotional support) you can and put yourself first. Compared with how you're feeling it's going to be a BIG task going out there and casually hooking up with people. So I'd say really don't worry about that, if you can start to feel better then friends are going to be able to come along a lot easier than right now. But what do YOU think??
Then again there may be someone (??) already in your life who may really care about you/your welfare if you can open up just a bit/more to them allow them to be there for you. In your situation it's got to be hard to see that in others but that doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't there.
But I COMPLETELY understand the "easier said than done" bit, in fact it's probably "MUCH easier said than done" isn't it? Just don't give up, it may take time, effort, perseverance........but it's got to be wort it. Here for you.
Alison

[ResaLock]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi, shall we say that you're feeling damaged instead (??) and that would be completely understandable considering what you've been though. Of course it's going to have a big effect on you, changed you in some ways but that doesn't mean that you aren't still you underneath all of that or can't still take control and let "you" out.
In a way I'm glad it's not a deliberate choice you're making to stay with him which gives you "one foot in the door".
It more so sounds like you've been lacking support (inc. practical support) and feel trapped on top of the all the emotional influence he's had/has over you. But you know, you deserve SO much better!!
Just seizing on something: you said you were disabled, do you have a social worker/case worker (sorry I'm not familiar with the job titles over there) you could explain the situation to. If you do maybe they could help you in more practical terms in getting him out of your life??
And I know that some/any (?) of the time you probably feel you've no strength to fight against things, feel it's hopeless to try to get out of the situation but you really need to push to get some help. It might not always be easy to come across but you owe it to yourself after everything you've been through.
Have you thought about contacting or already contacted women's shelters/hotlines for support? They may not be the exact resource you need but they SHOULD be able to point you in the right direction.
Attaching some links below, sorry if you've tried them but worth a go:
WOMEN SHELTERS New Jersey
New Jersey Domestic Violence Resources - AARDVARC.org
New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women
And the lack of interest in PTSD, again I'd say you just haven't found the right people yet, don't let that put you off pushing for someone to help. Plenty of people ARE going to treat that just as seriously as it warrants don't be swayed by those who don't.
I don't know, friends are great and I'd really want that for you, but maybe JUST right now it might be an idea to pull on all the professional support (including emotional support) you can and put yourself first. Compared with how you're feeling it's going to be a BIG task going out there and casually hooking up with people. So I'd say really don't worry about that, if you can start to feel better then friends are going to be able to come along a lot easier than right now. But what do YOU think??
Then again there may be someone (??) already in your life who may really care about you/your welfare if you can open up just a bit/more to them allow them to be there for you. In your situation it's got to be hard to see that in others but that doesn't necessarily mean that it isn't there.
But I COMPLETELY understand the "easier said than done" bit, in fact it's probably "MUCH easier said than done" isn't it? Just don't give up, it may take time, effort, perseverance........but it's got to be wort it. Here for you.
Alison

Yea I thank you for all that guidance you gave.
At this time he is no longer physically abusive. I am just living with the torment of it. ...sometimes he is manipulatively mentally abusive.
I think I gave a bit of examples of that is my last comment. If I do recall correctly.
Anyway...I have been through the whole system and back.
I have been to domestic violence shelters, domestic violence counsels. Many people of many types. For the most part it seemed that many of them were just standing next to my suffering life and sending me to the next person. Making a name for themselves as they were these great successful people, with great careers with a nice pay check. ..and how they help people.
As they just seemed to waste my time, exhausted me, frustrated me. ..and the only people they seemed to of helped is each other on exalting themselves on how important they were. Who looked at me like a problem and less inferior to me than them.
People who claimed to of help people that would never even allow someone like me to even be a part of their lives. No one who would even treat me like an equal to even consider even being my friend. ...but they got paid to act like one...while I just passed by to of never known me again.
I was a case. A number. A lift higher for their own lives as they are stepping on me.
I have probably been through about 50 or more people throughout the years...and the only thing that happened. Is I came out to be nothing but the butt of the joke. Church societies I reached out to. They just about condemned me.

..but thanks anyway...I don't think there is nothing else to be said about outside support...

[Frankbtl]

Hi, it sounds like a really difficult time for you but there's no "just" in living with the torment of it, and no "just" in being "mentally abusive". Those, let alone the history of violence, are (obviously!) going to have a major impact on you.
Do you think it might help if you started documenting all the things you're going through to pass on to Social Services and maybe if you had someone with you, in your corner to go with you and push things a bit? That's if you haven't already tried that of course.
It must have felt like they were making you a victim all over again though with their response to you, almost like adding "insult to injury". And I'm really sorry that you had to go through all of that.
Just a long shot though, were all of the places "in the system" that you tried? Sometimes charities or voluntary organizations can be really helpful, and they will have people working for them JUST/SOLELY because they want to help make a diffeence in peoples lives. And maybe at least some of the hotlines can offer you emotional support if not practical because it sounds like you can do with all the support you can get.
Sorry if you've been there/done that before though, just some thoughts. Really want to help.
If you want to talk about things more though I'm more than happy to be here for you, to offer advise, encouragement, suggestions, an ear, support, understanding........whatever I can do.
Alison