[SparkyCat]

Hi all. I thought this would be the best place to get advice about this. I've recently been doing more "minor" forms of SI - bruises and such. But on the last few days I've had a huge urge to cut, to give myself some sort of escape. The only reason I haven't is because I failed and the failure was enough to lessen the urge for a while, gave me a chance to get some help.

I have told some of those closest to me, but I don't know how to handle it. I know my bf is worrying sick about it right next o me, and I never know what to say. I desperately don't want to hurt him but I know that it's tearing him apart and I haven't actually even "done" it.

I just need some sort of escape from feeling like this, from beating myself up if I'm ever happy. I don't deserve happiness, I deserve only failure and pain.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Sparky, it sounds like things are really hard for you right now, but I've got to say well done on beating the urge to cut as you have done. And well done on taking the opportunity to get help. I know it can't be easy.
It is really good that you've told some of those closest to you but it sounds like you need a little more help with the way you've been feeling as well? Sometimes if people aren't that familiar with depression/SI/cutting they may find it hard to understand or support you in all the ways you need them to. So while you're sharing with them also make sure you're talking to others who may know a little better where you're "coming from". Maybe here will help you or maybe a hotline/crisis line might help if you need that?
Naturally you're going to know that one cut can lead into another....and another.....or a deeper......and deeper.......cut. So the more you can do to ease the urge for yourself the better.
And of course the "minor" SI, really matters too!!!
But do you want to tell us a little more about why you don't think you deserve happiness? why you think you deserve only failure and pain? That does sound really harsh on yourself!! Do you think maybe depression is speaking for you there??
Alison

[SparkyCat]

Thanks Alison. One of the friends that I've spoken to does have a good familiarity with depression if nothing else having been through it himself, and has helped me to get out and do things and keep myself safe on several occasions. I've got the number for the samaritans saved to my home phone...but it's an 0845 number, and money is tight, so I'll only ring them either when it's free for me (evenings/weekends) or I'm absolutely desperate.

I always seem to get everything wrong, and no matter what others do for me, I just mess it up and make things worse. I hurt people, and I'm just useless. I've not earned what I have, I just squander the chances that I get by moping around feeling sorry for myself.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Sparky, I'm willing to argue that you're not getting everything wrong and you're not messing everything up!! Depression can completely blind you to things that might be/can be good in your life/and that are good about you.
And how can you blame yourself for the way you feel if you're "moping about"? Sure sometimes we can make changes to help ourselves but when we're talking depression, there can be times when it may not be enough or it may not be possible and that's when people may need a little extra support. It's not you who is deliberately making the choices to.....right? It's just all you can do at the time.
But it is so good that you are looking for the support you need.
And about the samaritans and money being tight: they do email contact as well you know, I'm not sure that it's always immediate contact/response, but I do know that it can be. And they have been known to call back if you ask them too. Just throwing you the link to the email/contact page though:
Contact us | Samaritans
But you're right, sometimes it can be one day at a time. But if it helps try to keep everything your friend has been helping you with/do at the forefront of your mind whenever you need it. Even try to hear his voice/imagine what he'd say when........if.........and we're here for you as well (!!). You know that don't you??
If you want to talk some more............
Alison

[SparkyCat]

So...I just lost the battle against cutting. I don't know how to tell my bf. He will take it so hard. I need to tell him because I can't hide this but...

[Frankbtl]

Hi Sparky, I'm sorry you lost the battle but you tried to beat it didn't you? I know you tried!! And that is the main thing!!
Sometiimes you can just do all you can, which I'm sure you did!!
But you're right it was a battle, just a battle, and there may be more but in that there will be other battles you will be able to win!! Just because this time........doesn't at all mean that next time............
And make sure that you're really acknowledging and giving yourself real credit for those victories. They matter!!
As for your bf, there has to be something special about him for you to have been able to tell him before about what's been going on for you. I'm sure you wouldn't be telling just anyone about it, right? So maybe have a little faith in that??
I'm wondering if you've really included him in the rest though as you seem to be seeing it as just/more your problem??? Perhaps have a think about different ways he may be able to support you, both day-to-day and in relation to the SI. Afterall he may not know himself.
That might even help him feel less useless, powerless (??) in all of this too.
But really good on you for not wanting to hide this, just make sure you get all the support you can!!
Alison

[SparkyCat]

I just straight up told him what'd been going on...it's tough, but he's taken it better than I expected. Helped me come up with a plan to get past this if we can and just wants to be sure I'm okay. Everything's a battle to start with, this is just so much more on top of everything else.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, you're right everything can be a battle to start with but you are making massive headway in showing it what you're made of!! You've spoken up about what you've been going through and you have a plan to work through things!!
Now a plan is one step further than you were even before, even before the SI. So you're in an even better position than you were before. A plan is seriously something you can work with and on in moving forward. And it has to help knowing that your bf is more supportive than you'd thought.
Although I'm sure you would have wanted to avoid this happening, it's certainly a situation that lets you know who's truly with you, who truly cares about you. And that has to be so good to know.
So keep on with the talking.......keep on with the sharing............you're not alone.
Alison