been a while, struggling again

sorry I have not been around or supportive. I feel like I only come here when I need something of late. I'm sorry. I know it's not fair...

I've really been struggling lately. I have tried to let my T in on this stuff, but it feels like she's not getting how fast I'm crumbling (it always happens suddenly and progresses really quickly). I have been holding it together, but it's getting really difficult to do. All she wants me to do is work on my coping skills. I tried to tell her that the alternatives are no longer doing it for me, but she insists I keep trying different ones at different times. I feel like it's a losing battle. I'm not sure how to up the intensity of my other coping skills to make then useful once again. At the same time, I'm starting to shut everyone else out.

The self-harm thoughts are progressing to urges, and they are becoming much stronger. I'm not quite sure how to keep them in check. Big changes are coming up in a few short weeks, and I'm realizing how close it's getting (and how fast I'm imploding). I've started doing other little things that are back-door self-harm. It doesn't look like it, nor is it necessarily done as self-harm initially, but if it meets the need, I keep doing it deliberately this time. I was melting crayons for an art project and the melted wax started to splatter on my arm. I could have moved to make it stop getting on me, but it felt good. It brought some measure of relief, so I angled my arm and the wax in a way that it would get on me more. I want to do something else like that, but I am out of excuses. It would be deliberate and obvious if I did it again. I really need some release though. The art, music, eating, and exercise are not helping as well as they had. I'm running out of ideas.

I admitted to T via journal entry that I am so close to giving in... She won't see it till next session though (Friday). I don;t know if I can really hold out till then.

I've been where you are, then my T introduced me to making paper stars. And every time, I think of si, or thoughts that are distressing, I just fold one, or more stars. It adds a little bit of creativity, and after the first few its mindless.

have you tried something that is creative yet mindless?

Hi MdngtRain, Never apologize/feel bad about not being around or just coming here when you need something!! That's what we're here for and the way you're feeling matters!!
If you're finding it hard to go along with what you're T advises, that's OK, you know best where you're at right now.
If you can try to do just a bit of what she's advised then great. Sometimes it can be a real battle to even do just a bit, and it can take a lot to push through, that doesn't mean to say that you're not getting anywhere though even if it feels that way to begin with.
But then if what you're trying really isn't working for you, then perhaps look for your own ways of "getting through". Now some of those may be "off the wall"/different to your "prescribed" ways of managing things which have come from your sessions but it's about what works for you that's important.
Perhaps look towards different art, different music, different writing/journaling, different forms of exercise, different perspectives, different ways of reaching out/expressing yourself or distracting yourself.
And this may be a stupid question (if so, sorry!!) but.......as for the "back door" self harm have you tried the old elastic band or ice cube methods of "giving you something"?
Still if you're finding things really hard, then you shouldn't have to wait till Friday for support. If you need support, you need support, end of!!
So if you can bring the appointment forward?? Or if you think you should contact a hotline?? Or if you could see your doctor??.........Or if you think it will help just hanging with/talking with us.........whatever will help you.........!!! You don't need to feel alone in this or do it alone.
Alison

Puzzclar, stupid question: origami stars? That might be something to do. Or the cranes. I saw a cool branch with a bunch of cranes hanging off it. It would give me a purpose with it also... thanks for the suggestion.

Alison, thanks. I think I'm out of ideas with all that stuff, so it's hard to find something different to do. I had tried the ice and the rubber band in the past, but they don't do much for me. I might give them a try again though. It's funny that you mention reaching out more, because my wife said the same thing. There's something that has me feeling like I can't call my t for extra support. It's not anything she had said, but I feel like she would be annoyed (maybe because I have told her I feel like a week is really long and she still just schedules for a week out). I dunno. I will try to come back here some more. I just don't want to be a bother to anyone, not here, not with t, not with wife, not anyone.

Sending many hugs your way... wish I could do more

MdngtRain!!!! You're not bothering people!!! Absolutely not us on here!!!
How you feel really matters, you're not choosing to feel this way, you just are!!
And we/I want to try to help!!
And as for asking for more help from your wife/T/anyone, that is so not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength!! So don't hesitate to do that if you need to/want to. You deserve support!! As much as it takes!! However often!!
And, yes, we're right here for you, if we can help even a little in what you're going through.
Alison

Hugs to you (seems like its the only i can offer these days).
Hang in there.

Hi, I'm new here, but I'd like to say that you've got a lot of support here, MdngtRain. It's great to see so many people willing to listen, and sometimes that's what we need to fulfill whatever desire that harming gives us. I will echo Frankbtl in saying that you should not feel ashamed to look for support, or even talking to your T before your scheduled session. We'll be here for you!

Yep Origami Stars.

I made 101 paper cranes in about 5 hours... now my hands hurt from all the folding, but I have a pretty array of cranes. (and I need a new distraction).

Those are really good. I can only make a duck and a pig in origami. Could you try coloring or knitting as a new distraction?

ooh, pig and duck sound cool. I will have to look into them.
I started the origami because the drawing/coloring was no longer working to distract. Knitting is another thing that only works for short periods of time (I get bored with it pretty fast). I sometimes do papercutting, but that would not be a wise choice at this time.

MdngtRain, you are the opposite of a bother. Thank you for posting this. I'm currently in a similar struggle and reading your post made me feel a little less alone. Thank you thank you thank you! I hope you are able to find a way to feel a bit better too. *hugs*