[bronzeowl]

.. and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'm sitting here, staring blankly at my computer screen, thinking about what led me back to this. Life truly does go full circle, it seems. Since February, all I have wanted is to talk to someone. For someone to try to help me sort out this hurricane of emotions that has hit me since I've started eating again. But my efforts have been futile. I am often told to just speak to a therapist. See a doctor. But what good does that advice do when they won't return my calls? What good does that advice do when doctor shopping is not an answer because you are living off 10k a year and can't even afford the necessities? I wish I could doctor shop. I wish I could fill the little orange bottles that they tried to give me. Now, I just feel like I've exhausted all my options. Health insurance gave us a quote that is more than our monthly rent. Medicaid keeps turning us down. None of the local programs have been able to help. And I keep pestering the place, hoping I've been set up with a therapist, but I still haven't.

I have been sitting here. Every day. Day in, day out. Dreading tomorrow. Hating yesterday. Fearing the rest of the day. I am constantly in emotional anguish. Constantly in physical pain. It hurts to eat. It hurts not to. It hurts to move. It hurts not to. I sit in class sometimes, insides hurting, unable to concentrate because my stomach hurts and is uncomfortable and I can't focus. And depression comes and goes. But I wake up, every day, not sure whether I will be greeted by depression, anger, anxiety, or indifference. Not sure what emotion will hit me like a ton of bricks. Not sure whether I'll have the energy to do anything. My grades are falling. I often find myself sitting in class, staring blankly into space. This sucks in Psychology. That instructor has a PhD in Psychology. Does anyone know what that's like? Sitting in a Psychology course, fearing that the instructor can read you like an open book? Because I can no longer hide the symptoms - of any of my 'complications'. They are impossible to hide now.

And I am sitting here now. Feeling what I've done. Feeling everything I've done to myself. The pain of the past year settling in once again because I tried to have a meal. The pain of the SH. And I'm not sure what to feel anymore. I have tried to speak to people. I have tried to reach out. I have tried, and tried. And still. I feel so alone. And I guess that's what hurts the most. The fact that through my recovery from one illness, I find myself spiraling into another. And I feel so alone during it all. I sit in class sometimes and see people sneaking text messages, checking Facebook. And I wonder what that's like. I wonder what it's like to look forward to leaving class. Instead, I dread it. Because I know that that dark loneliness will come. And that triggered it. That undid my self harm recovery.

And I'm sorry for rambling. I just really don't know how to feel. I am caught in a whirlwind of feelings. I can never decide which one to entertain first. They all just hurt so much, and this hurts less than them and provided some kind of... distraction.

Thanks for reading. I don't know why I'm posting. I guess it's my way of trying to reach out. Trying to connect with someone, anyone. I picked up a pamphlet at the library, With resources for people in crisis. Maybe one of them will be more helpful than this last place was. I can only hope.

[Frankbtl]

Hi bronzeowl, I've got to really admire your strength in trying to reach out despite the way you're feeling. And however far you feel that you've been dragged down, know that that is massive!! I do hope that some/any of the resources you've found out about can help, but you know there are others as well if.........e.g. crisislines online, so just keep up that drive to want/reach for help. You deserve it!!
And certainly even on here, you are not alone, there are people going through/been through what you're going through and there are people who will understand. If you can just keep telling them as clearly how you're feeling as you have here. And then let them take some of the lead in helping you, let them reach out to you just as much as you've reached out.
Alison

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by bronzeowl

That instructor has a PhD in Psychology. Does anyone know what that's like? Sitting in a Psychology course, fearing that the instructor can read you like an open book? Because I can no longer hide the symptoms - of any of my 'complications'. They are impossible to hide now.

Yes. yes yes yes yes yes! I am a graduate student in psychology, in a class with only 6 other students, and that is my biggest fear. I sat there for months, fearing that my professor knew the intricate details of my mind, fearing that I was as see-through as a book when we would talk about depression, or eating disorders, or self-injury, or anxiety (the list goes on). Eventually, I acknowledged the elephant in the room. I went to chat with my prof in her office, and told her that I had personal things going on for me that made it difficult for me to fully be attentive in class. I told her that I did my best to come prepared for class, and be an active participant, but that my current circumstances prevented me from being as fully engaged as I would like. This lead to an open discussion about a whole slew of things, and I felt MUCH better afterwards.

Now, I'm not saying that you should go and tell your prof your whole life story, but, if you are worried about your class(s) then this might be one way to broach the subject. If nothing else, your prof might be able to guide you to more affordable (or free) resources in your area. Generally, people who go into psychology have compassion for those struggling, and so while perhaps you might feel this is a conflict of interest, you can still have a meaningful discussion that would be helpful for you, without having to provide her intimate details that might leave you feeling more vulnerable.

I hope some of this helped... please feel free to PM me if you would ever like to talk about anything.

Sending kind hugs your way,
Jacq

[bronzeowl]

Thank you both for your replies. I definitely am at a point in my life.. where I desperately want to be able to reach out. I feel stuck now, though. Because I tried and I feel as though I failed. It creates this vicious circle. I haven't gotten around to calling any of them. Today seemed to drag on and on, and I lost track of time as I was writing essays and sulking... it happens sometimes. Before I knew it, I'd lost a day. But I do plan on calling on Monday. I really hope something helps. I'm choosing to believe hope is possible... I just don't know how much longer I can hold onto that belief. I really don't feel strong, to be honest. But it's nice hearing I am. Even if I have trouble believing it.

The problem is, I struggle to explain it all so clearly when I'm not writing. I'm a writer by nature, never been much of a speaker. And I guess that's part of what got me into this mess. Before my therapist retired, I could not articulate my thoughts well. He did much of the talking. And the questions he asked, I felt weren't relevant to how I was feeling, which led me to leave sessions confused more than anything. If only therapy could rely on writing, not speaking. Then I would be able to express it all. Every thought would be in the open.

It is a very real fear, I think. Many of us get into the field to figure ourselves out, don't we? And yesterday. We touched on both depression and eating disorders. I couldn't even look at anyone during that lecture. It is uncomfortable, to sit in class, as the prof/instructor talks about... essentially you. I have thought about doing that. Something he talked about yesterday made me seriously consider it. I'm afraid to, though. I cannot explain why. I'm just afraid. At the very least, it would let him understand why my grades have slipped. As I was in his general psych course, too, so he knew me at the onset of my eating disorder. Before I was this far in.

I did it again today. Self harmed, rather. I know I need help. I am finally at a point in my life where I can admit that. If it isn't one destructive behavior, it's another. Whichever one it is, it only provides a temporary relief. Because at the end of it all, the loneliness is almost always there.

[Yoda]

Perhaps you have already tried this but can your pdoc give you samples of your prescription meds? Also some drug manufacturers will give you free meds and you just have to show proof of income; not certain which meds are available as it changes.

[Sanada]

Hi bronzeowl. I do hope things get better for you in life, and all else you have going on. Something I found that helped me loads was a book. When I was trying to understand fitting in and the concept of trying to grow and learn, this book helped me loads. The book never did sort out problems or change what was happening in life. It just helped me deal with stuff better. The book is Angel at my table - Janet Frame. (its an auto biography. 3 books in 1 book)
Maybe if you have time give it a try. Janet was/is a rock to my sanity.

g/l bronzeowl.

[ShiningLight]

Writing has always been easier for me than speaking too. I started e-mailing my T the day before a session to say things that I didn't think I'd be able to say in person. His questions are usually much more helpful at sessions where he'd received an e-mail first. Just a thought.

I taught while in grad school, so I've seen the student-teacher interaction from both sides. When I'm the student, I find that I really like being invisible and left to my own devices. However, when I have to actually talk to the prof, part of me wants them to care and acknowledge my point of view and part of me is afraid that they won't and that their lack of concern will crush me. Is this anything like your experience?

Whenever a student approached me, though, I just wanted to help. It validated my role as a teacher and made me happy to be the supportive role model. I'm not sure that I performed that function particularly well, but I tried. If you discuss any small part of your experience with the prof, you can get an idea of how helpful/concerned they will be. Then you can decide whether or not to reveal more once you've had that initial interaction.

You're not alone in this. We're here for you. And you might find that other people in your class are going through the same thing as you, too. Hang in there!

I know what it's like to hurt when you eat. It sucks. But be patient with your body as it tries to integrate the new nourishment it's getting. Eventually, the pain and discomfort will go away.

With regards to everything, the old saying goes: "This too shall pass."

[bronzeowl]

Originally Posted by Yoda

Perhaps you have already tried this but can your pdoc give you samples of your prescription meds? Also some drug manufacturers will give you free meds and you just have to show proof of income; not certain which meds are available as it changes.

I have tried working things out with my pdoc. I haven't tried the free meds yet. I'm not sure if Lamictal or its off brand qualify. It is worth looking into. Thank you.

I do like reading, so I'll give the book a look.

I had once considered writing things down to bring to therapy sessions, so I would be able to read them out or hand him the paper and just tell him to discuss what was on it. Before I could go through with that, though, he retired. Email might be easier. I like that idea. When I was a teenager and saw my first psychiatrist, she suggested the email thing. Back then, though, we didn't have a home computer. So, I couldn't ever try it.

That's kind of like my experience. I'm not overly concerned about his possible lack of concern. I honestly have trouble knowing whether someone truly is concerned about me or not unless they make it blatantly obvious (which does crush me). But I do want them to care. My grades are important to me. My education is.

I try to remind myself that it's only temporary. Some days, it helps. Unfortunately, when I'm in deep depressive episodes such as this one, I don't believe it. I have not self harmed since the second post here. But it is still weighing on my mind that I did it in the first place. I walked around today in 80 degree weather, having to wear long sleeves. I'm really tired. I haven't slept a wink since Friday. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight.