I just want to feel safe.

I really want to share what's going on. My minds a mess and my emotions are all over the place. But every time I try to type out the details, I go blank and the urge to cut gets worse. I can't even feel safe in an anonymous forum. This is so frustrating.

Is there a trick to feeling safe? Does anyone know how to evoke the warm fuzzies?

When I cut, I dissociate a bit so part of me desperately doesn't want to and the other part can't stop. It's like I'm simultaneously afraid of the pain and desperately craving it.

All I can think right now is "No don't do this to me" as I imagine the pain, the welling blood, the small frozen world containing nothing but the blade and my wrist. I'm so scared. I don't want this!

Maybe if it makes you feel worse just don't go into detail. Try to separate yourself from it as much as possible.

The warm fuzzies are so hard to come by, and unique to everyone. For me, I curl up in bed with a stuffed penguin. Yes, I'm nearly 24 but it helps me stay safe.

I know so well how part of you wants to cut and wants the pain and the other half doesn't. I have spent a long time battling with myself over these urges.

Hang in there

like secret said, it's tough. I'm 18 and I have a stuffed dog I've had since I was 4. the dog wasn't automatically comforting at first but I started to get her when I was upset and tell myself that it was calming until it finally was. now I don't have to try, I associate this dog with calming down. also my real dog comforts me a lot, and I feel safe with him even though he's terrified of everything.

Thanks secretwhisper and Angelornot. After reading your responses, I came to a realization. I think I've internalized abuse that has happened to me. I'm perpetuating it on myself and being scared of myself instead of dealing with my fear of my abuser. I'll try to push aside the self-abuse and let myself seek comfort. Thank you.

your post sounds a bit like many posters here......

I simply hope you are SAFE.

Reach out to a friend if you can. Talking helps. It took me years to stop punishing myself for things other people had done to me. Be safe.

((((((shininglight))))))
Stay safe.

A bit more support and I'm trying to visualise warm and fuzzy and send it over the ether.

My piggies certainly look warm and fuzzy snuggling up together.