[Angelornot]

I am really upset right now. About a lot of things. It seems like nothing is going right. I have no one to talk to. That's my only healthy coping skill that works. So I'm just so angry. And who do I want to hurt? Everyone who makes me feel like crap? Well sometimes but mostly me. When I get upset my first response isn't even a thought i automatically hit myself or scratch myself. Just a bit. Then I catch myself and I kind of freeze and don't know what to do. Usually I end up crying myself to sleep. But then I wake up the next day still just as anxious and depressed and hurt and angry and nothing helps. I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is a temporary fix. A tiny distraction til I'm back to dealing with all these emotions that I can't handle that for some reason I never learned how to deal with and I can't talk it through with anyone because the person I could talk to abandoned me and I feel like a burden to everyone so I need a therapist but my parents won't get me one and I can't afford one and getting a free counselor still makes me feel like a burden because I'm not paying. I don't want to commit suicide or anything buy I don't want to be alive either. So I'm stuck. Quite possible forever. I'm not entirely sure this counts as living.

I do not know what to say to you..... but I am sending you HUGS

[shaanti]

Hey angelornot, I know I'm new but I read your post and I felt a really strong urge to reply. I understand your pain, I really do. I've been there. I felt the same way about a therapist, that I was a burden if I went with a free one, and my parents were anti-counselors. I assure you that you won't be a burden if you see a free counselor. Most of the time, you can see a free one who is either in graduate school or just beginning their practice and they NEED people to help with credits or whatever. Do you know for sure your parents won't pay for you to see a therapist? Have you told them about the self injury and your feelings? I know how irate parents can be, but I feel as if I would have just talked to them, they would wanted to get me help. I don't know how old you are but I get the feeling you are a teenager? I'm 30, so it wasn't THAT long ago since I was in a similar situation. I feel like if I had known how things would go, I would definitely try and get help at a younger age. Anyway, sorry for my rambling. Please take care of yourself. *hugs*

[gayleggg]

I can relate to your comment I'm not sure I count myself as living either. I'm just waiting on death. I gotten to the point I don't even want to discuss it with other people. I could never make them understand how I feel. I do like PC where I can talk to people who have similar feelings. It seems to help knowing I'm not alone. Hope things get better for you soon.

[elizabeth1984]

Hello,

I am sorry you feel so badly today, but just know that these episodes will pass even though when you exist in them they seem to last for an eternity.

I've been there too, and although I don't know exactly what brought you to the breaking point, I know how badly it hurts. Like a dull aching pain in the chest, where all you want is to feel physical pain to take you away from the mental pain. Just so you can be numb.

It was hard for me to get through too, and even after 5 years of being off self-inflicted harm, I still have residual depression and anxiety that I just can't seem to shake sometimes. Especially like today.

What helps me a lot is writing, keeping a journal of my thoughts even if they make no sense and is just free-form writing. Getting out all that is inside you is better than letting it constantly build up until you breakdown.

Getting a therapist, a free one, would be good for you, it helps to vent to someone who is outside your situation who can at least be a listening ear, or even a guide for you to get past this time in your life. And never, never feel like a burden, as hard as that may sound. It is important that you are alive even if some days it doesn't feel like it.

Take care and remember that you will get through this. *hugs*

[Angelornot]

Originally Posted by shaanti

Hey angelornot, I know I'm new but I read your post and I felt a really strong urge to reply. I understand your pain, I really do. I've been there. I felt the same way about a therapist, that I was a burden if I went with a free one, and my parents were anti-counselors. I assure you that you won't be a burden if you see a free counselor. Most of the time, you can see a free one who is either in graduate school or just beginning their practice and they NEED people to help with credits or whatever. Do you know for sure your parents won't pay for you to see a therapist? Have you told them about the self injury and your feelings? I know how irate parents can be, but I feel as if I would have just talked to them, they would wanted to get me help. I don't know how old you are but I get the feeling you are a teenager? I'm 30, so it wasn't THAT long ago since I was in a similar situation. I feel like if I had known how things would go, I would definitely try and get help at a younger age. Anyway, sorry for my rambling. Please take care of yourself. *hugs*

Thank you for replying . I'm 18. I did ask my parents for a therpapist a couple months ago but my mom won't get me one. A year ago and a year and a half ago I was in treatment twice. The first one was very expensive and they like to remind me. We're not tight on money really but my mom doesn't like to spend it anyways. Always freaked out about my hospital and therapy and doctor bills. So maybe that's why she won't get me one. I have a job but I don't work often, annoyingly. It makes me anxious and afraid they'll fire me. But so does actually working. Also my parents don't know I still SI. Last time I got caught I spent some very unpleasant time in a psych ward. So I say I want to go to therapy but I'm to scared to say why or how bad I'm struggling. I'm also a little concerned about my health not just from the SI (it's not nearly as bad as it has been in the past, though the urges happen all the time) but from starving. So yeah. I don't know what to do.

[shaanti]

Parents can be really irritating sometimes. I think maybe it's because some of them really don't understand, and I'm totally allowed to say this because I'm 30! haha! I don't know what to suggest, other than to tell the truth. It has to be better than struggling so much, right? I wish I had some better advice. Do they know about the starving?

[Angelornot]

Originally Posted by shaanti

Parents can be really irritating sometimes. I think maybe it's because some of them really don't understand, and I'm totally allowed to say this because I'm 30! haha! I don't know what to suggest, other than to tell the truth. It has to be better than struggling so much, right? I wish I had some better advice. Do they know about the starving?

Thank you. I know telling them the truth probably is the best and all but it's not going to happen. I'm not getting along with my dad at all now and whenever they find out I'm struggling they both get really awkward and I hate to talk to them about how I feel and I don't know I'm incapable of being vulnerable with them and have no desire for that to change. No. My mom is ashamed of me and thinks she's a failure because of my mental issues and because I'm gay. She's admitted it. Telling them will make me a million times more stressed. I can't even think about it.
No, they don't know. I'm up a lot at night so they probably assume I eat then.

[shaanti]

I totally get not wanting to tell them. I was the same way, I still am, actually. It sucks when you have parents you can't talk. Your situation is extremely similar to mine when I was your age, so I get it. I don't know if you'd want to do this, but you could call the health department and explain to someone in the mental health unit your situation - you need a counselor but don't have the money to pay for it - and see if they can help. I hope something works out for you. Take care of yourself! You matter.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Angelornot ))))))))