I have horrible looking arms. They are scarred and ugly. And yet I can't seem to stop adding to them. I say that my arms are horrible, I hate to look at them and I hate other people to see them, but that isn't enough to stop me. My T asks me why I do it when I hate it so much, why I add to the scars when they disgust me so much. But I just can't seem to help myself.

sorry that this bothers you so much S.W.

My marks are mostly in areas that are not visible to other people - so maybe I am not the best judge. I do not want my kids to see - because I do not want to upset them. But I am not embarassed of my marks. They are part of me. They display my pain and that I found a way to cope with it.

On the other side - when I see someone with cut marks.... I instantly feel for them. I know their pain & they know mine. I never 'judge' it, I just (figuratively) open my arms to them.

[SheHulk07]

I hate my scars as well, but I'm still adding to them as well. Usually though I only do it on areas that are easily hidden and I go over the same spots once they heal instead of creating more.

[Idiot17]

I definitely feel ya on this one. I couldn't take if someone sees my scars let alone myself yet it wouldn't dawn on me to give it up.
((((((Secret)))))))

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I have horrible looking arms. They are scarred and ugly. And yet I can't seem to stop adding to them. I say that my arms are horrible, I hate to look at them and I hate other people to see them, but that isn't enough to stop me. My T asks me why I do it when I hate it so much, why I add to the scars when they disgust me so much. But I just can't seem to help myself.

I feel so badly for you Secretwhisper. I have some idea of what you're going through, although my self-abusive behaviors have not left visible scars.

I have to say that, from my perspective, your T asking why you keep cutting when you hate the scars so much, demonstrates a lack of understanding with regard to what's going on. Would it make sense to ask alcoholics why they keep drinking if they don't like what it's doing to their lives? Would it make sense to ask the same question of heroin addicts?

It's just my opinion, but I think of self-abuse as a form of addiction. We don't do it because we've thought about it & decided that it's worth the scars. We do it because we have to... because the compulsion to self-harm is so overwhelming that we cannot not do it. Perhaps what is needed is a program such as Alcoholics Anonymous... "Self-abusers Anonymous". Maybe something like that already exists? I'm not aware of anything where I live.

[hiddenfriend]

I know just how you feel but then again I don't. I am covered in scars from an accident. Those are the ones I hate, I wish I could get rid of those. My T finds it odd that I cut for the pleasure. I spend most of my time in a manic state going totally out of control and I cut just to take it one step higher and push those limits and feel the pain and get that rush and I don't feel bad about it or what I have done and love my scars. I have a sense of pride about each one I have inflicted on myself. My family knows I cut but they just don't talk about it. I cut alot under my wedding band and my arms and my ribs and ankle. In the hospital I took a straw to my room and dug it into my knee at night because I couldn't sleep. My 5 year old son asks me why there is words written on my arm. Scars from cuts. Am I ashamed, no. I have nothing to be ashamed of, just a sense of pride that shows me that I was in control of that blade and I knew to stop that day and not go any deeper because the Lord knows I wanted too. God bless and if you cut, keep it clean.

Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk

[Abby]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

I have to say that, from my perspective, your T asking why you keep cutting when you hate the scars so much, demonstrates a lack of understanding with regard to what's going on. Would it make sense to ask alcoholics why they keep drinking if they don't like what it's doing to their lives? Would it make sense to ask the same question of heroin addicts?

It's just my opinion, but I think of self-abuse as a form of addiction. We don't do it because we've thought about it & decided that it's worth the scars. We do it because we have to... because the compulsion to self-harm is so overwhelming that we cannot not do it.

^^^ Good post ^^^

I have to agree. Hating your scars yet still self harming aren't mutually exclusive events. You don't cut because you like the look of your scars or not cut because you don't like the look of your scars - that is a complete lack of understanding of what self harm is about! I'd be concerned if my therapist said that to me.

Personally, for me, self harm is about not being able to cope in any other way - of not having the skills at that time to respond to emotions within and around me differently. I believe it is a form of addiction because I think we do get used to responding in the same way to a trigger if it works. In fact, it makes complete sense, self harm can make us feel better so we do it, then do it again - it reinforces itself. So until we find an alternative substitute or work through what it is that is causing us pain, we'll keep repeating that same pattern....regardless of whether we're ashamed of the ugly scars, or aware of the internal/external damage it is doing to our bodies.

Well said!

I kinda feel the need to stick up for my T a bit lol. He does get it and I think most of his clients self harm. He was just trying to challenge my thinking at the time.

It's funny, (well not really) I recently added a scar to my arm that is probably the worst and I want more like it. I guess it's kinda bad that I need to get to that level before I can feel the relief I so desperately need...

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I kinda feel the need to stick up for my T a bit lol. He does get it and I think most of his clients self harm. He was just trying to challenge my thinking at the time.

It's funny, (well not really) I recently added a scar to my arm that is probably the worst and I want more like it. I guess it's kinda bad that I need to get to that level before I can feel the relief I so desperately need...

Yes. This is the problem with self-abuse. It's never going to be enough. It's addictive. No addict that I know of ever reaches the point where they get enough. A guy who drinks a pint of brandy for breakfast, & then goes on from there, doesn't say: "yes a quart of hard liquor a day is just right for me. Once I've had my quart for the day I'm good." He just stops when he passes out. And, over time, it takes more to get him to that point, until finally he burns out his innards. Either that or he makes the decision to at least try to stop. And then he gets into some kind of rehab program because it's not possible to do it alone. At least this is my perspective on it.

Yes this is exactly how it is. Sometimes I'm not sure if I will ever stop, it's something I always seem to go back to and everytime I do it is worse.

So have you ever looked into the possibility of any kind of rehab program in the U.K.? You just can't keep slicing up your body for years to come.

I don't really know...wouldn't know where to look!

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I don't really know...wouldn't know where to look!

Well, one could start, perhaps, with a suicide-prevention hotline. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, in the U.S., encourages people to call with any problem. Your therapist or pdoc may also know of some. It is, no doubt, a bit of a fishing expedition. If you were in the U.S. I'd know what to do. But I'm not familiar with the U.K. I do know some people though who might be able to get one started.

Yeah we have the Samaritans which is similar, you can call with any problem. I think I have always just felt that as self harming isn't endangerimg my life I don't need to call a hotline. Maybe I can ask my T next time I see him...

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Yeah we have the Samaritans which is similar, you can call with any problem. I think I have always just felt that as self harming isn't endangerimg my life I don't need to call a hotline. Maybe I can ask my T next time I see him...

Hello Secretwhisper: I have an internet friend who lives in the U.K. He works at a school for troubled youth. I e-mailed him & asked if he knew of any treatment programs for persons who self harm. He sent me two possibilities. Perhaps you are already aware of these. But, in case you're not, they are:

MIND: Mind - Home

and:

Priory Group: Self Harm Help and Support | The Priory Group

I don't know anything about these organizations myself, However, my friend, who is an older man & very reliable says both have good reputations. The Priory Group treats some of the students at his school. I'll let you know if I come up with other possibilities. Hope you're okay...

Thanks you're great I will look into those

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

SI is an addiction; that's why you keep adding to them. At least, that's my theory.

I haven't done that in 4 years, but I hate my scars, as well.

All I can really say to you, is that you will just keep regretting it, ... break the cycle... use that regret to STOP. The more you add, the harder it will get to get passed them. There are other, far better ways to cope with stress/emotions. I've been there, ... I know how it feels, ... I did it for years, ... I know how pointless it was because I'm still here, and I still regret every single one of them, but you know what? The reason I ever did it is still there, ... I still don't like myself, but I know now that it wasn't the answer... and it never was. All I needed to do was find a proper outlet (exercise, guitar, talking about stuff, and happy things) for how I felt, and to realise that I needn't punish myself. I guess I figured I'd punished myself enough, and not just SI. I have emotionally beat myself up for years... enough was enough.

Maybe it's time to love your body, instead of hurting it. Life is precious... every second of it. For you, and for those that care for you.

Even if these two ideas don't pan out, they may know of other similar programs that would. I didn't sign into the MIND website. But it appeared they have other programs listed on their website. The important thing here is to not give up. Keep looking until you find something that will work for you! And keep posting too!

[notz]

Hate my scars? Not so much. I look at them and I'm reminded of the anger, hurt, pain, etc that they represent. My sh was a coping mechanism for me. I wish I had known other methods. Harming represents a lot of pain and self loathing. For me I screamed for help as best as I could.

I will be 61 years old this month and started cutting in my middle teens. My skin is getting thinner as I am aging and the scars show more than ever. They are permanent, never to go away. I look at mine and I remember every episode of anger, depression and hate. So sad. Most every cut required stitches. Deep, fatty, dark blood cuts.

I love me better now. I love stage blood at Halloween. I make all kinds of wounds and it looks great without the harm.

So, no need to start. It's addictive, pick something else that's healthy. You just don't have to do this. Hugs and love for you and your pain.