[Espresso]

You wouldn't be able to tell by looking at me right now, but I am experiencing intense emotional turmoil. I feel like I need to hurt myself to make it go away. I'm afraid I'm really going to do some damage this time, like maybe break some bones. I don't want to call my therapist. I literally just saw her. I shouldn't be responding like this to what happened. It's not such a big deal. I want to yell out "someone help me!", but it would be like screaming underwater. I don't know what to do.

[Idiot17]

(((((espresso)))))
Please try to stay safe.

[gayleggg]

Is there someone you can call that will listen while you get this out of your system? If not I would call my therapist anyway. You need help. Someone that could just sit with you until you feel better. The feelings will pass even if you don't hurt yourself. Try to be strong and find help.

[Abby]

You need to scream anyway. Literally.

That is better than hurting yourself. Call and speak to your therapist, who cares if you just saw her and feel you should be able to cope, obviously it is difficult for you to do that right now and is absolutely okay when we are in pain to ask for help and support. That is the normal thing to do, it doesn't make you weak or ridiculous at all.

I don't know what has happened or why you don't think you should be responding to whatever has happened by needing people to hear that you are in pain...but get it out, tell someone.

I really understand how it feels to be functional yet screaming. It is utter pain, please tell someone, it will relieve it slightly.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Espresso, well you're not screaming underwater here , you're coming across loud and clear and we're here to support you.
Now if whatever happened is making you feel this way, it is a big deal, it matters. It doesn't make any difference at all if you think that other people might "shrug it off" (?), if it matters to you that's all that's important. If you want to talk about it, we're here, and you know we're not judgmental, right? But in your own time, if you want to....................
Right now until you may want to talk more, are there any other "safe" ways you can let out those emotions? Something physical, some activity?
And as for your T, well if the last session hasn't helped, or not given you enough to manage. Then nothing at all wrong with a followup, however soon that is from the last session.
This isn't about you not being able to take on the support you had/have, I'd say it's all about the support not being right/enough for you, right now with where you're at. So don't let that stop you reaching out asking for more support for a second.
And if you want to talk a bit more to us...........here for you.
Alison

[jacq10]

I'm screaming under water here myself, but offering hugs.

Wish I could do more

[Espresso]

Thanks for the support. I didn't do anything drastic yesterday. And now I'm too depressed and lethargic to do anything anyway even though something happened again a few minutes ago. I don't know how I'm going to get through life like this. It's my husband. Things he does and says set me off. Maybe he doesn't mean them to upset me, and maybe I shouldn't be so unstable.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Espresso, thanks for the up-date. Things still sound really hard for you, but by the sounds of it some of your feelings are a natural reaction for you from what your husband is doing and saying so perhaps he should be changing and being (more?) supportive???
Have you told him how what he does and says makes you feel, and how he can help more?
I'm getting the feeling that things are a bit more complicated than that between you though????
Do you think you could tell us a bit more about your situation? Really would like to try to help.
Alison

[Abby]

You should be proud of yourself for getting through the day and not hurting yourself drastically when you were in such huge amounts of pain. That was a big battle to take on, let alone win..even if for just one day. I would say if you manage ten minutes to stave off the urge, you're doing well because I get how loud that screaming becomes!

I'm sure you are working with your therapist through the issues with your husband. I don't know you situation or if this is wise, but have you ever told him calmly that what he says has upset you? If you have the feeling he doesn't mean to upset you, may be he doesn't know it does or why it does and what alternatives would help you to feel more supported?

I understand having huge emotional reactions to simple everyday conversations. It is hard to manage those feelings because they're generally normal and healthy, just a lot more extreme. It is hard so try not to beat yourself up for how you feel and react. You're doing the best you can.

Take care of yourself when you are feeling so depressed today.

[Espresso]

I've tried to tell him in the past. Even when I'm calm and carefully choosing my words, it usually ends up in a huge confrontation. So I don't say anything anymore. I just take it.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Espresso, I'm really sorry if I'm reading things into your replies that aren't there, but I've got to ask- Would you say you were in an abusive (and that includes emotionally abusive) marriage?
If not then I am sorry for asking and I'll try from another angle, but just to put me in the right direction.................would really like to try to help whatever the circumstances.
Alison

[Espresso]

Don't be sorry! Right or wrong, I'm not offended.

It's interesting that you inferred that from my posts. I didn't intend to imply that there is abuse. However, various mental health professionals have been concerned about that issue. I don't see it as abuse of any kind though.

[Frankbtl]

Thanks Espresso!!! And I probably don't need to say that I'm not a mental health professional!!
Sometimes abuse can be difficult to see if you're in the middle of the situation, you blame yourself, or tell yourself you're just as much to blame, or you come up with reasons/excuses for someones behaviour. So just something to think about........
But if you're not seeing it that way (at all, or right now) then the relationship still seems to be a "big" problem for you/a "big" part of the problem.
So maybe communication is something that could be worked on?? From my perspective your husband doesn't seem to be really understanding how hard things are for you or how/how much things are effecting you.
I know you've told him before and it's understandable how you may have lost the energy/will to try to make him understand. But I'd say that for things to get a bit better for you he really does need to understand and support you.
Is there maybe a time of the day (?) of the week (?) when he may be more "relaxed"/"chilled" and might find it easier to listen if you start talking a bit about what's going on for you?? Or maybe you can look out for a "good" time to talk??
Then alongside clearly saying what isn't helpful in what he's doing/saying (??) let him know just as clearly exactly what you would like him to be doing/saying.
Even throw in examples too, of things you really appreciate him doing/saying (and I hope there are some!!!) to guide him a bit, encourage him to do them more, and let him know that he does matter to you (if he does!!).
And maybe include him a bit more in the help you're getting (you are getting some aren't you??!!) to help him understand a bit more and feel a bigger part in what's going on for you. Whether that's telling him a bit more about appointments, asking him to go to the odd one with you, or passing on to him information he might find useful.
And maybe (now I'm really hesitant to say this without knowing the whole situation so don't do it if there's even the very slightest chance that it's not going to meet your real needs but...) you could both talk about some compromises/some "give and take", and those can be in really little things to start with as a trial.
I'd maybe suggest couple's counseling as well, but not sure he'd go for that, or would he, what do you think?? Worth trying or not???
You know things have to change though, right??!! And if he's not with you on this, you really do need more.
Still around though if you want to talk more............
Alison

[Espresso]

Thanks for the advice!