so numb i can barely write, also GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION

it's been a bad time these last few weeks. last night another storm came and i just couldn't contain the despair. i ended up beating myself in the head/face and cutting my arm up pretty bad. i supposed i should get stitches because a couple cuts are pretty deep and are still bleeding, but what's the point? i apologize if this is graphic, but self injury is graphic and i need to talk about it. after the blood came i could breathe again, if only for a few moments. i cried most of the night and spoke with my therapist, but the tears just kept coming. at least there wasn't another storm. today i'm bordering on numbness and despair. EVERYTHING feels hopeless. this illness (illnesses, really: multiple diagnosis'). those whom i thought understood i've come to find out don't. they were the last ones besides my therapist. i am so utterly alone. this has been going on for 11 years; meds don't help (i've been on almost all of them), ECT didn't help: had two separate course of 10 each. i'm losing my strength to fight this and i just don't know what to do anymore. i can't move.

Hi Jennifer,

You will find plenty of people here who care.

Is this worse in the winter for you? (since you mention the storm) Ever thought about trying light therapy? Let me know if you need more information, or talk to your therapist about it. Even if you don't only get depressed in winter, light might help (along with the psychotherapy, meds if you use them, etc.) There is also wake therapy, which should give you some immediate relief that the light therapy can help to maintain. Here's some info: http://www.brightenyourlife.info/all.html

oh honey I understand you so much..

YOur not alone, you have ppl here who do care and who have been where you are at..

and being graphic is a way to relase some of the pain.

May I offer a suggestion start writing when you get like this be it online or on paper, get the feelings out it might help...
Keep us updated ok..

Please talk to us we can try to help

**Cajun gives Jennifer an e-hug** Hang in there Jen. You have survived too long to give up now. I am not a SI, so I would be lying if I told you that I know haw you fell. The truth, however, is that I do care. PM me if you need to talk. I will always lend an ear. Sincerely, Cajun

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this has been going on for 11 years; meds don't help (i've been on almost all of them), ECT didn't help: had two separate course of 10 each. i'm losing my strength to fight this and i just don't know what to do anymore. i can't move.

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I know exactly what that is like. I am in the same situation. I have been on everything, have had ECT several times, and have lost my will to fight. I am trying to survive with every breath I take though it is extremely hard! I am also a cutter, and just can't seem to find an alternative to doing it. I need and want to punish myself. Hang in there and PM if you need to and feel comfortable talking to someone new.