the cycle of it all

I had stopped for about 2 days, but the need/urge is back. for the past 2 days, I was able to get creative outlets and I just didn't feel like I needed it... now the need is back.

does anyone else go through cycles with it? my need/urges wax and wane over the weeks/months. I can go through long spans of time having to do it multiple times a day, then something changes and I am ok skipping for a bit. But it always comes back. :/

I can relate. Most recently I've gone weeks/months without even thinking about it (like at all) and then WAM! i'm doing things worse than ever. I guess that's what people mean when they say that it [can be] an "addiction". Do you know if there was anything that could have triggered the thoughts subconsciously?

not that I can pinpoint right now. body memories are starting up again, but they feel like they are a result of the urges to self-harm, and not the triggers to them. feeling very vulnerable and needy right now, so maybe that's what it is. I don't like feeling this way, so I tend to mask it to myself with the self-injury. I can't reach out if I'm cutting becuase then I will get in trouble, so then I have to stuff the neediness down... other than that, I'm not really sure what may be fueling this.
I, also, noticed that things get worse after a "break" from the self-harm... I'm no longer "satisfied" with/by the level it was at, so I need to take it a step higher. ****ing addictions...

I'm having a really difficult time with the self-injury right now. It hurts to do it. I normally give it a break when it hurts. But the body memories are intensifying, as are the memories that follow them. I can't get the level of self-harm needed to stop the body memories. It's really frustrating. And I don't see my therapist till Friday. I'm really wishing it was friday tomorrow...

(other coping skills are also not working. I have tried a whole bunch of them on my list over and over again... :/)

I don't entirely understand what a body memory is, but I do understand how it's affecting you and the struggle you are currently feeling. Is there a way, if you can't stop the self harm to remove all of the objects you use except one small thing (e.g. I use something to prick my fingers, but even if I used that tool to full on stab myself it would be at most a 1/2 inch deep and very unlikely to cause any serious damage)? That way maybe you can have that option to harm safely? I know it sounds contradictory because you're allowing the harm, but its a contained harm and seemingly a necessary evil at least until Friday.

I'm sorry to hear that your coping skills are not working at the moment. Is there anyway you can try to be around someone (even as uncomfortable as it may be) just for most of tomorrow to help push you through?

I call really intense flashbacks that are only physical sensations "body memories"... I didn't have a better word for them.

I'm not worried so much about the damage done as the lack of damage I am able to do at this point. It hurts too much, so I'm not able to make it satisfying enough to quell the sensations of being assaulted... Until I recently ran out, I was able to take ativan to help quiet them, but I don't have a prescriber, and I used the last of what I had left from 3 years ago. :/

I like the idea of spending the day with someone. I just wish there was someone I could talk to about this for some added support in the moment. No one outside of my therapist and my wife know about this, so it would be difficult to bring up (my wife is living in another state at the moment because we are working on moving there)... Maybe just going to the beach or something will help. I have to pick up medical records from SSA tomorrow also, so that will likely kill a good 3 hours just to pick up the CD (they always make you wait forever, even for the simplest things). Then tomorrow evening I have an art journal workshop to go to. That will take care of another 4 hours or so... In between I could hit up the beach or the dog park (the dog park would probably be better for the dogs, but less relaxing for me)...

Tonight maybe I can finish changing the bed, then try to watch some Grey's Anatomy... I know I should feed the snakes, but they can deal for another day (they eat once a week)...

Thanks Teal!