*Trigger warning* I want to get my thoughts out there.

I'm sad and angry. I hate myself to the point of where I start projecting the hate towards anyone and everyone. I want to escape myself and it makes me itch to hurt myself.

I'm living with my boyfriend and his friend, and I know my boyfriend would help but he just doesn't get it and it makes him sad when I talk about it so I keep it to myself. As for his friend, I don't really feel like I want to tell him anything. I'm not sure if I can really talk about it to anyone comfortably so I'm posting here.

I keep feeling and seeing it happen in my mind. I feel like I'm just going to explode. It hurts so much, I want to lie down and just get still. Idk how to get over this, I feel like I'm going crazy.

The feelings die down and rage back up and it makes it so hard for me. I hate that I'm weak and I hate that I can't just be happy with anything. I hate the underlying sadness I feel and the emotional roller coaster I'm going to end up going on again.

I guess I'm posting for support, advice, insight. Anything anyone has to offer will help, I just can't feel alone right now.

You are not alone. Thank you for posting. I wish I could offer advice but my struggles are similar. I just wanted you to know that we're here.

I completely understand how you feel. I've been there. Thank you for sharing

Is there anyone that you feel comfortable going to for support? I know that whenever I feel like cutting, I'm usually craving human interaction. You might find it comforting to just be in that person's presence.

Has your boyfriend tried to educate himself on SI? He might just be ignorant to the issue...

Thank you, I appreciate it a lot. Sometimes I just go crazy and I can't deal with it when I feel alone.

Thanks Astriferous. Honestly, there's no one I really feel can understand the way it feels because they either do it for different reasons or they have never done it. As for my boyfriend, I just don't want to burden him with my issues. I know how it can feel taking someone else's emotions into consideration and feeling the weight of their sadness.

thank you for the hugs.

How are you doing today?
I know one step along the way for me has been to write an honest list of everything I get out of si. I have not yet figured out how to get those needs met in other ways, but it had given my therapist and myself a jumping off point for figuring out how to tackle it.
You Han mentioned wanting to be still. It's there any way you can get your mind to slow down some? Does nature help? When I am trying to slow things down, I seek out water (of any kind, though large, natural bodies of water help more than say the fish tank on my desk, but both help). I will sit and watch the water, or watch my fish. It's something that I have found can slow my thoughts down because I'm paying attention to the water. Sometimes that doesn't work though, so I have to try other things. Can you think of anything that helps you relax? Maybe something you can do with your bf? I know you mentioned wanting to talk about things also. Can you talk about it here, or maybe with a crisis line (in the us, the boystown line I've found is pretty good about listening to me talk about my struggles with si), then go spend time with your bf? That way you get the opportunity not to feel alone with the si, but you also get to not feel physically alone. Do you have a therapist? It may be a good idea to think of setting someone professionally if you do not already...
hope today is going better for you, and how you are able to find that connection and stillness you ere looking for.

I understand how you're feeling. The only advice I can offer is therapy and lots of self-care. Stay safe xx

I'm horrible at self care, but I know where you are coming from. My husband doesn't understand the urge to cut and I have to hide it from my kids because I don't want them to know. I slipped last night and scratched myself in two places and left marks so I'm going to have to explain it to my husband. I just hate myself so much right now and it hurts.

I slipped up last night too. It's okay, we make mistakes. Self-care can be hard when you're in so much emotional pain. Making mistakes during recovery is fine. Don't beat yourself up over it!