[ThisWayOut]

Or maybe it's motivations? I dunno. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else's reasons/motivations for self harm have changed over time? I'm hoping most people have not done it as long as I have, but I noticed my reasons (or at least my understanding of them) has changed over the years. For the longest time, I would swear that the self-harm was not done as "punishment", but the other day my understanding of "punishment" changed and now I would say it falls under that category. I feel like it's all I deserve:to be hurt and damaged, but not cared-for. So I guess that's punishment, right?

Do your motivations change over time? What are your motivations for it? Do some reasons make it harder or easier to stop?

I think our motivations do change over time depending on where we are at the time. Anytime I have thought about SH it was because of the relief that it gives from feeling nothing at all. At other times it is because I don't feel like much of anything and it is a type of punishment. As for is it harder/easier to stop I really couldn't say.

[monkeybrains21]

My motivations have always been stress relief and to resolve anger. I cannot afford to let my anger over power me so I used it as a pressure relief valve. I am a very broken person and have done this for 20yrs. I'm not even 30, but I know what it feels like and I can't help but crave it. I do not like to show my emotions especially hurt and need. I feel my emotions and my problems are nothing more than unnecessary complications for others. So I keep to myself and bury it all until it becomes too much.

Now I am learning to handle these feelings and emotions and cravings in a healthy way. I have to rewire my whole thought process and everything. I also have to have self control over my intense impulses.

[XSleepingSiren21X]

Being motivated, I'd say my reasons are mostly because I'm excited about doing it. Most of my intentions are to leave scars on purpose. I don't know why, but thoughts of doing that pushes me to want to do it often or more. Throughout a few years, I've dealt with it pretty fairly, but after so long, I'd notice, I'm no longer that consciously aware of when I do it. The first time I understood the signs when it came to SI was I'd be completely out of my state of mind and have a lack of conscience. All I remember was I paced around the room and listen to music.

I never really consider sadness or anger a fuel to do it like some or most people. I had beaten myself up over anger before but fortunately I don't do that anymore.

Overall I've never noticed my habits ever change as to how I do it.

[Browncurtains]

I'm not totally sure what my reasons are. I usually cut when I'm angry or lonely. I think I cut when I'm angry to relieve the anger and feel better and when I'm lonely I cut just to feel the pain and have it remind me I'm still alive.
But yes, I would say that your motivations or reasons could change over time.

[tealBumblebee]

My motivations change each time but I think they could all be summed up to one word. Control. I didn't realize it until I started seeing T of course; and she's never said word for word thats why I do it she just helped me become more self aware and that was the result. Very rarely do I do it as a punishment (in fact, I can only think of once that it was ever a punishment and really it was more that I was mad at myself). Usually it's because i'm holding on to frustration and occasionally because i'm overly tired and emotional and/or need some peace and quiet/distraction. In most of the cases, its relatively easy to stop. But I rarely make the choice to stop because in most cases I just don't think about it or brush off the thoughts. I can go a very long time without doing it and most often make the choice to stop holding back and "just do it"; the "just do it" part is the only thing T & I can't figure out though.

[Espresso]

To release intense emotion, to cut through the boredom, to punish myself. I think those are the main ones.

[puzzclar]

to escape, to punish, to not think, for pleasure. Pleasure is recent, and hard to deal with, especially since it's against religious ideal of living. to feel guilt after and then do it again later, as an excuse.

[guilloche]

Hi ThisWayOut...

I'm not sure. I stopped for a long time... (I stopped when I got OUT of T, how's that for irony?). I don't remember exactly why I *used* to... I remember thinking that part of it was... words weren't enough. I couldn't adequately get my feelings across to T (and still can't). My picture in my head was always being a little girl, sitting on the floor against a wall sad... and when asked "why did you do this (si)?" saying... *because I hurt*.

Just restarted in the last few days, and it was a very fast thing. I think it's defnitely stress related - I'm overwhelmed, and no one can help. T has already proven he can't help with the emotions or the actual things overwhelming me, and as more stuff gets added on... it's just too much. The SI was a really surprisingly quick way to get my brain out of overwhelm state, sort of focused and calm? It's weird, and doesn't make sense to me. But, that was clearly what was happening... because right before I felt like I was about to have a bit of a breakdown (which I don't really do!) - it was just that "one last thing" pushing me over the edge (oh thank you, crappy crappy job).

I'm so sorry that you feel like you don't deserve to be cared for... I know it doesn't mean much, but ***I*** think you deserve lots of care and love and respect! If only I ruled the world, right? ;-))) Take care of yourself, and thanks for this thread (I needed to think/write a bit more about what happened the last few nights, so this was helpful and appreciated - I hope it's not too much!)

*take care*

[Errr... I'm re-reading this, and realizing that to reply to "I don't feel like I deserve to be cared for" with "take care" might just be a little bit off, and sound like I'm saying, "well, dang it, go care for yourself!" I hope you know that's not what I meant at all! Just hoping that you can be a bit kind/gentle with yourself right now, because you deserve it!]

[ifst5]

Well i don't cut for just one reason so yes i would say my motivations for cutting do change.

[Living Dead Guy]

I have only cut to feel. I'm always empty even at the best of times, but under stress or when I'm depressed it becomes overwhelming so that I can't feel any emotions at all. Physical pain doesn't alleviate it but just allows me to feel something else. Well that was a piss poor explanation, but I'm not sure I can do better.