[Apis]

Hi,

I come here periodically, not because I don't really need it, but because I've resigned, for the most part. I am a bit shocked over the no suicide post rule in the depression group. I feel shunned. It adds to the stigma, I think, and discourages frank communication. Anyway...

I'm writing because I think I just discovered why I am so alone, my friends 86'ed me. My family broke me--I am an orphan basically lost on this planet. So, a few minutes ago, the super in this rat-hell of an apt. came by. He's a good person (with whom I've become friendly), but I didn't want to see anyone Friday. Not only was I physically sick, I was a wreck mentally.I cried. Not sobbing, but a few tears fell out and my voice cracked.

I apologized for my behavior (which was just sad, not so much inappropriate). I repeated that I'd been sick. He looked at me blankly, proceeded to tell me how he hates to see me this way, I wasn't just sick, I was suicidal (am I allowed to say that?) and he just doesn't know what to say.

I don't want to get bitter about this, but part of the reason I'm here is because I was always told to smile, put on. Yea, that didn't work out well for me, but it eased everyone else's discomfort. My other concern is that if he thought I was suicidal, and he just left, what the heck does that mean?

(sigh) I guess I'm just supposed to disappear. So upset, any thoughts would be most helpful.

Thank you,
Emma <font color="purple"> </font>

[mtaylor]

You say that you really don't need this yet you are here. By your words you seem to be in a place where you are reaching out. You need someone/something. I have been there-still there for the most part. I agree with the smiling-it is for others-if an ugly person puts makeup on to be pretty-are they pretty? same with the smile-you can do it but it doesn't change your inside. What do you need, how can we help?

[Apis]

Hi MTaylor,

Thanx for getting back to me and for reaching out. That's a good question, and your point's well taken. Sometimes I fall into apathy. It's not that I don't think I need this, at this point I just feel way beyond help.

I mean, I didn't want this guy to send the suicide police or anything, but I can tell I scared him and I'm really sad that on top of this illness or whatever, I'm off-putting as well.

No one's asked me either of those questions in years, for that I am very touched. Thank you. I wish I knew the answer. You've helped already make me feel like I actually matter.

Your words mean a lot to me. I hope you're doing well.

Thank you.

~Emma

[sujunew]

Emma,
sometimes people just don't know WHAT to do when someone is unwell- in any way. Especially if they are depressed and suicidal. If you put the shoe on the other foot, would you know what to do or how to react to someone else that was suicidal. I don't honestly know that I would know what to do, and I think I would freak out too much anyway and become that way myself... It is great that you are able to reach out here and ask for help (or 'input'). Just taking that 1st step and writing that post can be a huge thing, and the fact that mtaylor has made you feel better already is a great thing too. I hope that things are looking a bit better for you now, and that you are able to continue seeking the help and support that members so readily provide here at pc.
Take care

((((((((((apis))))))))))))
so sorry you are this lonely and down. i've felt it too, still do sometimes. but something or some one always comes along to make you feel better. my hand is here for you to hold if you need it. we all need each other in here, that includes you.
pm me any time, reaching out and giving you a big big cuddle.
you are never alone.....

love kerry xxxx

[Eva1nder]

(((((((( Emma ))))))))))

*puts hands on hips* I didn't know that you were feeling like this

I know you said in your pm you were having a rough time, but I didn't know you were feeling S.

I haven't gotten the chance to really get to know you, but from what I've gotten to know you are a really REALLY nice person and you have a lot to offer.

I know that doesn't get you out of feeling how badly you are feeling or make you well, but even though you're friends and family are not the one's that are there for you...there are definately others that would want to be ...especially to get you through this difficult time. I'm here.

You are reaching out and I'm so glad you are. I've been there and I do that myself just to keep myself holding on cuz I know I have to.

Please yahoo me or pm me ANYTIME.

I'm here for you!!

BIG BIG HUGS

[Irine]

hey i can agree with about teh non suicidal post policy
but i understand why they made it.

hecki can`t remember useful input
i just remember..i can understand you about that friend.
we expect we hope "somebdy some1 help" and when we are dissapointged we are even more depressed. maybe angry.

when yo uapologized and said you were sick and such..
so you didn`t tell that friend or whoever that you felt like suicide?

i hope you will be feeling better soon.