[SunshineGold03]

Hello All,
I wanted other peoples opinions on this. I have been cutting since I was 14 thats 15 years now. It was only 2 years ago that I realized it had a name and that there many other people out there who did this. I really truly believed it was just me being well quite frankly "nutty". I watched an ER episode and realized that this had a name and it was a disorder that other people besides me engaged in so I felt less "nutty". Anyway, the reason I am writing this post is because well I wanted to get peoples opinions about their reasons behind cutting to see if mine are similiar to others. I will start by sharing why I cut. I cut when I am at my absolute wits end with anxiety, sadness, or anger. Basically when I feel like I am at the very height of my emotional state and I don't know what to do with myself. I guess this is the coping reason for my cutting. But sometimes I cut when I extremely upset with other people and I want to show them a lesson by harming myself. For instance if my husband and I get into a blow out or my parents and I get into a huge blow out my first thought is to cut but not just to cope with the situation but because in my mind its an attitude of "I'll show them". I guess like to punish them by punishing me. I feel weird saying that but its true. And lastly there are times when I feel lonely and I want attention any attention so I cut or punch walls and sprain my wrists or almost require stitches to get attention but I never tell people the truth of how I got injured. I lie and say it was some kind of "freak accident". This is my attention seeking reason for cutting. Anyone experience these reasons some, any, or all of these reasons. Would really love feedback. Thanks guys!

Jenn

[PlanningtoLive]

I first started cutting to see if I was really alive and could feel anything. I kept myself very separate from any emotion at all and rarely expressed anything.

Then it progressed to doing it because of anxiety, because I had "done something wrong and was such a loser" that I had to punish myself for my stupidity. I would actually go into trances and simply keep cutting. Afterwards, when I really realized what I had done, I was horrified and never let people see what I had done.

It finally dawned on me, thanks to my former T, that cutting is a short term solution to the problem and that not expressing feelings will only cause more issues. I have not cut in several months although I keep a mini-safety knife on my keychain........and every now and then it does cross my mind.

My fear is I won't stop next time.

[Chippie]

I useually cut when my emotions run high. It's sort of a release, I stop thinkig straight, when I do it it clears my head and I focus. I seem to get control, but I really don't which is frustrating. I have also done it when I have done something in my mind at the time, really dumb or something that needs punishment. I always hide it and if someone ever did notice I make up some lame excuse.
Chippie

[Rapunzel]

Jenn,

Your reasons sound very familiar to me. Cutting wasn't my primary method. I started when I was 5 years old with biting myself. I had pretty nasty-looking bite marks all over my arm that my mother was afraid somebody would think was ring-worm (which doesn't look like that, but that was what she said). I did it without even thinking about it when my emotions got to be too much for me to deal with and there was no other available outlet. Through the years I did various things - head banging, depriving myself of food/water/sleep, getting a really bad sunburn on purpose, walking on the sides of my feet so that it would hurt my ankles. I have just been generally self-destructive. I did try cutting too (I thought at first that it was a suicide attempt but that I was too weak to go through with it all the way). I also had no idea that other people hurt themselves on purpose until seeing it on some TV dramas, including ER, but there were a couple I saw it on before that too.

My reasons have had to do with being overwhelmed and at my wit's end. I'm angry or frustrated and other solutions are not available or not working. I hold my feelings in until they get explosive (growing up, if I tried to talk about my feelings I would just be ridiculed or criticized). It's also communication. I appear to be so in control that people don't believe me if I say I can't take any more. They might tell me to calm down - it isn't that bad. Oh yes it is - here, I'll show you! Or I feel inadequate - can never be good enough - sure that "everyone" (more accurately a specific person or handful of people, but to me it seems like everyone) hates me. Or I'm mad and if I don't do something I'm afraid of what I might do (so it's to stay in control and not yell at or severely punish the kids). Going back to communication as a reason, I've had depression ranging from mild to severe for my whole life, but have functioned anyway. People didn't see that there was anything for me to be depressed about or figured that was just the way I was since I never was any different, so I never got adequate treatment. My parents refused to admit that I had any problem, so I was 19 before I ever had any therapy. Then I was told that I was just homesick. I didn't start to get any real help for the depression until I was about 30 and was using blades and making permanent scars. So maybe attention seeking was part of it, but it was because I was forced to demonstrate a need before anyone would help me.

Sorry if that is too much detail. Over the last year or so I have lost my inhibition about talking about this kind of stuff. Sometimes I don't even recognize my own feelings until they reach that critical mass and start leaking out. My kids go into some stuff again that I discovered missing on Monday but was surprised to find that I wasn't that upset about it. Asked them about it and they all denied knowing anything. This morning wrappers are showing up, and here I am with several new cuts. I don't know what else to do.

Wendy

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

[Zenobia]

Just wanted you to know that I read this post and am looking forward to sharing and reading more but I have to get to work. My computer at home is having troubles so I am having problem getting here with enough time to give thoughtful replies. I hope to be able to get on tonight.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[SunshineGold03]

Wendy,
Thank you for your sharing your thoughts on the subject matter. I really appreciate it and by the way it wasn't to long at all. I was very intrigrued when I read it. Its makes me feel less "crazy" when I know other people feel the same or can relate. I find that there are times where I am doing because I am using it to "cope" with my emotions or its my expression of my extreme emotional state. I know that these are probably the most common reasons people self injure. But these are not always the reasons that I self injure which has been making feel a little weird because my reasons don't always have to do with communication or coping or maybe they do and I just don't recognize it as such.
There are times when I use my self injure almost manipulately, I am embarrased to admit that, to get either attention for the injury (from loved ones or hospital staff) or to prevent my husband from going somewhere with the boys, etc. But interestingly enough I will lie excessively if asked by ANYONE if these injuries were self induced. I feel like such a jerk saying this but really there are times when I am manipulative with my self injurious behaviors so that I gain attention or affection from others. Not that I ever tell these people I really got injured.
To break it down I would say 60 to 70% of the time I engage in self injurious behavior to cope with extreme emotions. Maybe 10% of the time I am communicating I guess and 10-20% of the time I am being somewhat manipulative I think ick I hate saying this but it helps me to get off my chest. I just feel like now that self injure or "cutting" has become more recognized in the media the more I feel pressured to conform to the most common reason people to cut which is to "cope" or because they feel "numb". I feel like when therapist ask me why I cut they are looking for the text book answer of "coping" or because I feel numb which is undoubtedly truth for me more often than not but it is not always. I feel it I give them other reasons maybe they will judge me differently...I don't know...I know they can't judge in therapy but I don't know I just don't feel like people want any other reasons for cutting other than the common ones. Gosh that was so long winded! Sorry! I just had to try explain more to other readers and I guess to myself. Thanks for listening everyone! Would LOVE to gage other peoples opinions about what I wrote or generally on the subject matter.

Jennifer

[Rapunzel]

Jennifer,

There are so many different reasons why people SI. No matter what your reasons are, there are other people who have similar reasons and others who have different ones. Try not to worry about what the textbook answers are. For one thing, text books don't have the whole story - they don't even claim to. For another, you are yourself, an individual. Nobody is a text book case - we are all unique. Trying to conform and fit the text books won't help anyone.

Therapy does need to be nonjudgemental, but people who feel bad about themselves or something that they do might project their own judgement onto the therapist and feel judged. That might be something you would want to talk to your therapist about, along with the pressure you feel to conform to other people's reasons.

If anything that I have said is helpful to you, I am very glad. Best wishes to you!

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

[SunshineGold03]

Wendy,
Thanks for your reply and advise within it. I appreciate your thoughts on this matter. Your right I guess it really isn't necessary for me to feel like I have to conform to text book answers regarding this subject matter. We are all different and we all have different reasons like you said for doing what we do. I think I do project onto my therapist at times in my mind I assume people want to hear that text book answer so when my therapist asks me why I cut I almost always give her the, well what I consider, "text book" answer even when I don't always 100 percent agree with that answer myself. I know deep down I am afraid of being judged as being weird or mean, etc. for occasionally using my cutting for other reasons that many people don't elaborate on well not as much. Thanks again for your insight!
Jenn

Jennifer

[Lexicon78]

I can definitely relate to your reasons for cutting. One of mine is to release pressure that I feel. When I want to cut it feels like my arms are going to explode. I do it when depressed, angry, vengeful, or just because I can. It always calms me down, numbs me off physically, and I get a high from cutting. I love to cut. I'm not gonna lie about that. What's the reward I get? I feel great pride after I cut, regardless of what others think. Oh, I just thought of a few more reasons...for punishing myself for doing wrong to others and hurting myself before anyone else can.

[SweetCrusader]

I can relate, too. My reasons were very similar to yours. I did it to make myself calm down because I was "freaking out," feeling anxious and like I couldn't control my emotions.

I also did it because I didn't have any kind of support system in place at that particular time. Some of my friends had told me they were sick of my problems and in my mind, cutting was the only way I could find to cope with my problems that would work for me and would not require me to lean on other people for support. Since I felt I had nobody to lean on, it made sense to me. What you said about "showing them" really rings a familiar bell with me because I thought that by cutting myself I was showing all the people who had hurt me that I didn't need them anyway. It was really wierd that I thought that though, because I was so ashamed of the cutting that I didn't show it to those people- or anyone for that matter. In fact, two different people started getting suspicious and asked me about it and I lied flat out and said I hadn't because I was so embarrassed. So I don't know why I thought I was "showing them" anything! Not very logical, but then who is logical when they're cutting?

I also think it was a trauma reenactment for me, because I was abused and neglected as a child. After I stopped the actual cutting, I thought back over things and realized that I had hurt myself many times before- just not as severe. Like I used to pinch myself when I was mad at my parents and they wouldn't let me express that anger. And I bit myself (and still do that sometimes unfortunately). And if I got bruises I couldn't resist pushing them to make them hurt, and various other things. I don't want to get into details beyond that. It's not important.

One other thing that I wasn't conscious of until after I quit cutting was that it was an expression of self-hate. I didn't figure that out until one day I was writing a journal entry to help myself talk things out and feel again, instead of being so dead, and a lot of self-hate feelings came out that I didn't realize I held so strongly.

Anyway, those were my reasons. I think we all have a unique combinations, but in a lot of ways all of our reasons are similar. You are not alone!

SweetCrusader