[carmen]

i'm not sure what to expect from this site, this is my first self injury online post. my therapist and i tend to skip over this subject only because i can manipulate him into something new. there are some people who know i cut myself but can't understand. and lately my cutting has gotten worse, and i want to do it very deep, i don't know why but i'd like to be able to see my bones. i don't know if anyone else has ever had that specific thought before. it's just that sometimes i want to know that there is something underneath. something inside of me. i haven't yet done this but it creeps up in my mind more and more as the days go by and the nights get longer. can anyone relate?

-carmen

"i tend to skip over this subject only because i can manipulate him into something new"

Does this mean when the topic comes up in therapy, you change the topic to something else? Does he know your SI? It sure sounds like something you two need to discuss since it's occupying your mind. That's what you see if for - to talk about what's on your mind, right?

Are your injuries in need of medical treatment? Are you careful about infection and scar reduction?

Are prepared to begin work on stopping the SI? Yoiu know it's addictive. The longer you do it, like smoking or drinking, the harder it is to quit.

Please take care. Emmy

"Language is a Trojan horse by which the universe gets into the mind. ." -- Hugh Kenner

[carmen]

i can change the subject very easily or i can just distract him so i don't have to talk about it. i'm afraid if i tell him how i'm feeling lately he'll put me back in the hospital, maybe i need it, but i don't want to go.

i haven't yet actted on the severe cutting, but as i said it's on my mind more and more, and i think if i don't talk about it then i will act on it soon. i always take care of my cuts but i don't mind the scars. i actually prefer them, i have a very weird theory on that (scars).
anywyas, thank you for replying to my post.

-carmen

[Rapunzel]

Carmen,

Welcome to our little family. I think you will find that we are a warm, caring, and understanding group, and as you get to know us it will be easier for you to talk about these things. This is where I come to find people who understand, and who I can count on to accept me.

I just read a book today - Girl, Interrupted - which is a true story, in which the author told about having an urge to see her bones in order to make sure that there was something inside. So, that is a feeling that someone else has had also. I want you to know that just because you have thoughts about doing something doesn't mean that you will do it. Talking to your therapist about those thoughts would be a very good idea. That is what he's there for, right? I know, it is a hard subject. I never talked about it much in therapy because it is hard to bring up, and while my therapist was willing to talk about it, he never brought it up either, or at least very seldom.

It's nice to meet you!
-Wendy


<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[SweetCrusader]

Hi Carmen!

I think a lot of us can relate to your feelings, both about cutting deeper and about scars. A good question to ask yourself in situations like this is "Why do I feel the need to cut deeper and/or see scars?" If you are like some of us, it may be because you feel the need to validate your pain through self-injury. Cutting deeper and scarring yourself may represent to you that your pain is real. If this is the case, please understand that the depth of your injuries does not necessarily reflect the depth of your pain. You can injure very superficially, and still be trying to communicate (to yourself or others) that you are hurting very deeply. Your pain IS valid, even if you do choose not to cut deeper. It is a courageous move when you decide not to cut, or not to cut worse. It takes tremendous strength to stop. It may feel like the cutting you have done just isn't "enough" to be real, but it is. Your hurting is real. And you are alive. There is very much inside of you- not just bones and other body parts but also a living being with feelings and hopes and fears. (Sometimes it's hard to feel and hope and fear, but it's possible to get back to that). Your reasons and feelings may be different from these. Whatever they are, I encourage you to explore them, try to understand them, and think of what you can do about it. If you are comfortable, feel free to share that with any of us. Feel free to ask for help and support, and feel free to share your own thoughts. We are here to help (and be helped). I've seen a lot of really smart and really supportive people on this site who can give you great advice and love.

Best wishes, Carmen! (((((((((((((((((Carmen))))))))))))))))))))))

Angela
(SweetCrusader)

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown

[cryingchild]

Welcome You have come to the right place for support :-)
Everyone is so supportive here (((((hugs))))))

[carmen]

thanks for the replies. i don't feel so alone now that i know you're all out there. i hope that sometime i can offer some advice or insight to all of you, in spite of the things on my mind. i'm afraid i wont have much to give to you all, so i'll try not to waste your time when i have nothing to give in return. i just wanted to say thanks.

-carmen

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((((((((((((Carmen)))))))))))))))))))

When you need support, you need support! Nobody here will have a problem with supporting you, even if you don't have any insights to offer just yet. But know that we're all in similar battles, and now that we're on this site, we are all in this together! And anything you learn along your way is likely to help someone else on their way. I had been struggling with the same thoughts about cutting deeper when I replied to your post. Replying to you made me stop and think about why I was struggling, too, and it ended up helping me to try and help you! So in a way, you have already helped and supported me!!!! So thank you for sharing your feelings.

Take care of yourself!
Angela

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown