[LonesomeTonight]

Tried to resist the urges to cut. Tonight it was so stupid, that my H wanted to have sex, but I was too tired, and he called me on it. So I came downstairs to sleep on the couch, but first grabbed a steak knife. Cut myself a few times on my stomach. At first didn't think I was leaving any marks, but then I realized that I was. It's been a long time since I"ve used anything beyond my fingernails. I just hate myself so much right now. In love with our marriage counselor, who of course I could never have. We see him tomorrow. It just hurts so much. Wanted to just have sex to be normal and like everything was OK, but was clearly too sleepy, at least according to H. Apparently not too sleepy to cut though...I'm such a mess... I seriously haven't used more than my fingernails in like 18 years. I'm so ****ed up....

Ho! Wait one moment. You are NOT ****ed up. You're struggling. There's a big difference. You made it 18 years! That's a huge accomplishment. Have some compassion for yourself.

What went wrong yesterday evening? Howcome "not being up to sex" equaled "not sleeping in the same bed"? Maybe that's something to discuss with your H and MC? You don't state clearly why you felt like cutting, so this is some guessing on my part. But I can imagine (I have zero experience in relationships, so it's again guesswork) you maybe felt rejected or not good enough or disappointed in yourself because you were unable to satisfy your H. This is something to discuss with your MC, and maybe also in individual therapy.

Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Breadfish

Ho! Wait one moment. You are NOT ****ed up. You're struggling. There's a big difference. You made it 18 years! That's a huge accomplishment. Have some compassion for yourself.

What went wrong yesterday evening? Howcome "not being up to sex" equaled "not sleeping in the same bed"? Maybe that's something to discuss with your H and MC? You don't state clearly why you felt like cutting, so this is some guessing on my part. But I can imagine (I have zero experience in relationships, so it's again guesswork) you maybe felt rejected or not good enough or disappointed in yourself because you were unable to satisfy your H. This is something to discuss with your MC, and maybe also in individual therapy.

Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Thanks for your response. It's nice to hear your kind words.

My MC had to cancel our appointment today, which sucked (though I doubt I would have talked about the cutting, but seeing him is usually comforting to me). But I did talk to my individual T on the phone for a bit. She was also telling me to feel more compassion for myself and stop blaming myself for everything. I mean, I was apologizing for the cutting because I felt like I let *her* down. She did talk to my p-doc, who fit me in for an appointment tomorrow morning. Hopefully changing meds will help. It's only since I've been on SNRIs (first Effexor, now Cymbalta) that I've even thought about self-harm recently. So I have to wonder if the meds are a part of it (I've been on various SSRIs in the past, too, but without these thoughts). I'm nervous about talking to p-doc, since she's so kind and caring, and it's like I didn't want to be letting her down either... I have my regular appointment with T Wednesday, too.

As for not sleeping in the same bed, I generally sleep on the couch now for various reasons. I keep trying to return to sleeping in the bed with him, but it seems to make me panicky. We haven't addressed that in awhile in MC, and he probably assumes we're in the same bed again, so maybe I need to bring that up next week.

I think the reason I cut was self-hatred. I've been in kind of a downward spiral of that lately. Like my H gets annoyed I apologize so much (when I just want reassurance, just him saying "it's OK"), and that, combined with some other stuff like not keeping the house clean, turns into me thinking how annoying I must be to live with and be married to. Like I expect too much and don't give enough back. And the whole not having sex thing, yeah, made me think I wasn't pleasing him. He has to put up with so much from me, that I feel like I should at least give him that...(I know, that's a terrible way to look at things). Plus I feel guilty for having feelings for MC (H, MC, and T all know about that).

Ugh, I'm just tired of feeling this way. I hope p-doc can figure out a med that will help me... And/or that my T can help me figure out what's really going on so that I can feel better.

[i dont matter]

I reject your term "failed".

You *stumbled*. Now brush yourself off, get back up off the mat, and hold you head up high - you have endured something difficult and you remain in the fight!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by i dont matter

I reject your term "failed".

You *stumbled*. Now brush yourself off, get back up off the mat, and hold you head up high - you have endured something difficult and you remain in the fight!

Thanks for your words of encouragement. It helps to think of it that way.

[LonesomeTonight]

Quick update: My p-doc this morning added Wellbutrin to the Cymbalta I'm already on, so hoping that will help the depression. Plus I have my regular appointment with my T tomorrow. I haven't told H yet what happened--kind of afraid to and don't want to worry/upset him. I left a message for our marriage counselor asking if it was possible for him to fit us in before Monday because I could use his help talking to H about this (only sort of hinted at what happened in the message because it seemed weird leaving it on his voicemail. I did tell him that T and p-doc know details so he could talk to them--they all have permission to share info on me--or else talk to me about it.) So we'll see. Figure I'll just have to hide my stomach until we can talk about it...

How do you all deal with telling loved ones about it?

That's a good question. I only ever told my mum (I live with my parents), which was very difficult but it turned out she had suspected it already. I had to tell her because I had used a pyjama shirt to clean up the blood with the intention to throw it away after, but it turned out that pyjama shirt belonged to my sister and she wanted it back.. so it needed to be washed.
I've never had to tell her "I SIed x days ago" or something like that. Just a couple of days ago she asked me a question that led me to reveal 'recent' (2 months ago) SI: the answer to her question was "to cover up SI scars [on my foreleg] so they don't shock my sister" and she was like "I thought you only had scars on your thigh" and I said "Yeah, that used to be the case."

I hope the Wellbutrin works out for you.

[Fuzzybear]

[LonesomeTonight]

Thanks, Breadfish. Wow, that must have been hard to tell your mom.

Possible trigger:

When I was a freshman in college...quite a few years ago, I attempted suicide. Having to tell my mom the next day was probably the worst part. Well, and calling all the people I sent good-bye letters to.

See, I don't think my H suspects. I told him about the medication change, but he thinks it's because I was having twitches/jerks on the higher dose of Cymbalta (which I was!). But the reason she added Wellbutrin instead of just decreasing Cymbalta is she's concerned about me because I'm escalating (just had thoughts of it a couple months ago). H and I were talking about dosages tonight and what the dosing is for Wellbutrin. I'm just on 150 mg because it's to augment the Cymbalta, but I told him it can go up to 450. And H was like, "Well, I'm sure she isn't thinking about putting you on a high dose of something, doesn't seem like you'd need that." I just said something about how it's better to start on a low dose.

I was hoping to hear from MC today that maybe he had an opening for H and I to come in later this week but didn't hear back. But I don't even know for sure that he was in the office today after leaving early Monday. I see my T tomorrow afternoon, and they're in the same office, so I can at least find out if he's been in. And also whether she talked to him about it (I gave her permission).

I just have no idea how to bring it up with H. I mean, I could say that it wasn't just the twitching that had her change the meds. But I don't want him to be horrified or have to be worried about me. I definitely don't want to show him, at least not until it's healed more. I know he won't understand why I did it. The closest thing he has to mental illness is ADHD, and he has enough trouble trying to understand my anxiety.

I figure if I can share in MC's office, then he can reassure H a bit about it (we talked about it in there a couple months ago when I was just having thoughts about it but not acting on it). I guess I'll see if I hear from MC tomorrow (though I doubt he'll have any openings this week) and ask T what she suggests. If nothing else, we have our standing appointment with MC on Monday, so we can talk then, but I'd rather not have this hanging over my head for a week..

[LonesomeTonight]

Quick update:
I was very worried about my T appointment today, but apparently I was worried for nothing. My T was awesome, as usual. No look of disappointment or disapproval on her face, like I had been expecting, even after I showed her my stomach.

Possible trigger:

Though she did say it was more cuts than she'd expected based on my description. Said they were pretty faint though

Ran into MC, too, and talked to him for a few minutes. He apologized for not getting back to me yesterday. He knew what had happened (T and p-doc filled him in), but he just acted normally toward me, even making a joke with the receptionist at my expense (in other words, acting normally toward me). He also had no look of disappointment. Unfortunately, he's booked for the next 2 days but will call me if he has a cancellation. He said if I end up telling H before Monday (our regular appointment) and have any concerns that I can give him a call. And I got the usual post-session handshake from MC, even though we only talked for a couple minutes.

So I feel a bit better now, though still dreading telling my H about it...

[mazing]

It sounds like you have some amazing professionals around you. I'm glad they reacted and were able to help in the way you wanted them to.

I hope that things go well with talking to your husband. It is never easy to admit to loved ones but hopefully he will be able to understand, especially with the help of your MC if needed.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by mazing

It sounds like you have some amazing professionals around you. I'm glad they reacted and were able to help in the way you wanted them to.

I hope that things go well with talking to your husband. It is never easy to admit to loved ones but hopefully he will be able to understand, especially with the help of your MC if needed.

Thanks for your post. I'm hoping H will at least somewhat understand or at least get that I was using this as a way to deal with the pain I was feeling (though an unhealthy one).

And yes, I am lucky to have found a great T, MC, and p-doc. (Really, I found a great T and she led me to the others.) It's taken me some time to build up this level of trust in them (and there were a few missteps along the way), but I'm glad I took that chance.

[LonesomeTonight]

Struggling right now...still haven't told H and it's wearing on me. Didn't hear from MC today, so I'm guessing he had no cancellations. I'm hoping maybe by some chance he'll have one tomorrow? The thought of telling H on my own fills me with dread, and I don't want to have to go the whole weekend. Especially because we have a couple hourlong car rides ahead of us.

I also may be going through T withdrawal, since Monday I talked to my T on the phone, Tuesday I saw my p-doc, yesterday I saw my T and also talked to MC for a few after that session. So today is the first day I haven't had any actual contact with any of them. My T doesn't work Thursdays or Fridays, but if I'm in a bad place, I know she'll return my call. Think I was partly hoping MC would call partly to say he had an opening and partly just to talk to him for a minute, since he's rather grounding to me, like makes me feel safe.

I'm having trouble around knives now, too. Like I started shaking when I had to put a couple in the dishwasher and asked H to get our daughter something something that required cutting up. Is this common, to be triggered by whatever you used? Not in the sense that I want to use it again, but just it making me all shaky.

OK, just had to get that all out. Thanks for the support.

[LonesomeTonight]

Haven't heard from MC, so I'm assuming at this point there were no cancellations today, either (it's noon here). And H is getting off work early, so would have been perfect time to go...I know I could just tell H today on my own but don't know if I can. Part of me last night was like, maybe I don't have to tell him at all. The knife scratches are healing up. Maybe I can just conceal my stomach for another few days, then could explain away as I must have scratched my stomach too hard. But that's probably not a good choice, to keep things from him. Or I'll just wait till Monday and our appointment. I'm just afraid H will figure out something's up...

[LonesomeTonight]

Update: I ended up telling H. I think he could tell something was up, so figured I may as well. He took it as well as could be expected. He definitely wants to discuss it more with MC on Monday, but seems OK with it for now. I think it helps that we in general discussed self-harm in there a few months ago because I was having thoughts about it. So this isn't coming completely out of left field. And he understands that it's not the same as wanting to end things.

Incidentally, my MC wrote back to my e-mail saying he'd had no cancellations and that he didn't want to give much advice but said to just trust myself and my instincts because I've been doing well in dealing with H lately. By the time he'd sent his e-mail, I'd already told H, so I guess MC was right! (It was nice that he wrote back, too, since he often doesn't--but I know to expect that from both him and T).

Feeling better now that it's out...though I'm sure I'll be nervous on Monday. Thanks for reading.

[mazing]

I'm glad telling your husband went ok and he is willing to discuss it further with your MC.

I also saw your trigger question and yes I think it is pretty common for the same objects to be triggers, especially when the stressors are still there.

Stay safe, take it one day at a time. You are doing extremely well

[StillIntending]

You're doing so well. 18 years is something to be proud of. I'm sorry you are feeling negative about yourself though.

[Fuzzybear]