[wearymomof6]

I'm 53. I'm weary, drawn out, empty, there is nothing left of me to give to anyone or anything. Although I have had very bad feelings about myself my entire life, I've never acted out, in an acute sense, until tonight. I have imagined hurting myself for a long time, but this is the first time I actually did it. I started first by slapping myself with my right hand onto my right cheek. The flashes of white light in my eye was a welcome distraction from my inner pain and the pain on the cheek felt good. Then I took both hands into fists and pounded my head really hard. It hurt my hands and wrists. It hurt my head, but it didn't hurt as much as the thoughts inside my head and it was a great distraction to the pain inside. I did this on and off. When the inside pain would rise again, I started hitting my head again. I even pulled my hair, but that is not as useful as hitting my head. Hitting is the best. It distracts me and then the dizziness afterward, the way it makes me feel numb, that felt refreshing. I know this sounds crazy and for as bad as my thoughts have been lately, I've wondered if I am losing my sanity. Then sometimes I think that my response to this crazy, messed up, evil, insane world is actually a fairly sane response, because this is one majorly messed up world and I don't really want to participate anymore, but I am trapped here so the pain rages inside my head. I don't know why I am sharing this. Maybe because it feels good to know that other people know how it feels to hurt so amazingly bad inside. At least I am not alone in this suffering.

[CANDC]

Hi wearymomof6. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you are suffering from many challenges and feeling extremely frustrated. There is an article today in Psych Central that talks about self injury and how to cope with it. Here is link:
Self-Harm: The Myths & the Facts | Embracing Balance

I am sorry if you have tried to harm the body because the body is guiltless. It has not harmed us or anyone else. It only asks us to treat it with respect. It has served us well. Actions of harming the body seem to be a silent way of asking for help. There are other ways like contact therapists or psychiatrists that are comfortable and adept at working with patients that self harm.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

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Glad you are joining us here. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[mazing]

You are definitely not alone And you are definitely not crazy. You are right that the world can be an extremely difficult, messed up place at times. But it can also be challenging, beautiful and exciting. I'm sorry you haven't been able to see that side of it yet.

I know that it may seem that only by harming yourself can you minimize the pain but it's not the only way. Are there any other activities that you enjoy that help you to relax or minimize the painful thoughts? Writing/journaling, singing, reading, walking/jogging, spending time with family/friends/pets? Sometimes even just having a distraction from the pain for a small time can help us to manage it better.

Also, is there anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling? A family member, friend, therapist? It can be very difficult to manage this alone. PsychCentral is also always here if you are needing to vent or talk.

[wearymomof6]

Originally Posted by mazing

You are definitely not alone And you are definitely not crazy.
Also, is there anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling? A family member, friend, therapist? It can be very difficult to manage this alone. PsychCentral is also always here if you are needing to vent or talk.

Thank you for reading my post and for taking the time to reply. Yes, I have a therapist. I've been in therapy for a year, now. I've never done something like this before and I don't know if I will do it again, but I am afraid to tell her because I don't know what would happen if she knew. The last time I saw her, Monday, she was highly concerned for me. Frankly, I was in such bad shape I was shocked that she allowed me to walk out of there at the end of the appointment and I remember thinking, wow, this is so unreal, I can be this bad and still no one cares. That's how it feels. That is why I've put "weary" in my name here. I am so overdrawn and it seems like no one can see how empty I've become and people still keep asking more and more of me when there is nothing left to give.

[wearymomof6]

[QUOTE=CANDC;4573241]I am sorry if you have tried to harm the body because the body is guiltless. It has not harmed us or anyone else. It only asks us to treat it with respect. It has served us well. Actions of harming the body seem to be a silent way of asking for help."

Hello and thank you for reading my post and especially for answering it. I am really appreciative of reading your words about the body being guiltless. I've never thought of that. I don't typically separate my "self" from the vessel in which I live. Frankly, I've been self-harming this body for a long time in an other, less obvious way, although the results of the harm is available for all the world to see. I've admitted this to my therapist, but it doesn't seem to be a concern. I really don't understand. I was reading about nueroticism last night. I had taken some of the quizzes on here and aside from beginning majorly depressed (that was not a revelation), one of the tests showed I may have a neurotic personality or something of the sort. I will be asking her about that, although I have read that the APA no longer uses that diagnosis, but has basically dispersed it into other diagnosis, such as depression or anxiety, etc. I will be seeing my therapist Saturday morning.

[Lexi232]

[wearymomof6]

Things have calmed down since Tuesday night's extreme stress episode. My head no longer hurts. Thanks to those who read, replied, and understand.

[healingme4me]

((((wearymomof6))))

Sometimes it gets worse, before it gets better. Reaching out for support is a positive step. Really sorry to read in your words, feeling like noone cares. Feeling invisible is frightening. Perhaps part of having your moment? Dunno, you're not invisible. Hope your session tomorrow results in feeling less stressed, about your t not seeing your pain.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by wearymomof6

Thank you for reading my post and for taking the time to reply. Yes, I have a therapist. I've been in therapy for a year, now. I've never done something like this before and I don't know if I will do it again, but I am afraid to tell her because I don't know what would happen if she knew. The last time I saw her, Monday, she was highly concerned for me. Frankly, I was in such bad shape I was shocked that she allowed me to walk out of there at the end of the appointment and I remember thinking, wow, this is so unreal, I can be this bad and still no one cares. That's how it feels. That is why I've put "weary" in my name here. I am so overdrawn and it seems like no one can see how empty I've become and people still keep asking more and more of me when there is nothing left to give.

Sounds like you were taking the sanity quizzes. They maybe should be called measure my mood because they are not a diagnosis but a general indicator of what areas you may need to work on.

Another option is to discuss with your therapists some of the other options instead of self harm that were discussed in the article linked to in an earlier post to this question about the Myths of Self Harming. Perhaps these may be an intermediary that would help to mitigate the urge to self harm.

Glad you found the post helpful. Stay in touch here at Psych Central.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central wearymom!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. I'm glad you're feeling a little better. It doesn't sound like your depression is quite under control. I hope you'll bring this up with your psychiatrist even if you choose not to discuss your actions with your therapist. Please also remember your therapist cannot read your mind, if you don't open up she cannot help you. Please know I don't say this in a condescending tone. I want you to feel better. You will need to examine why you chose to self harm and she can help you do this. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[mazing]

I'm glad to hear that you are beginning to feel slightly better. I really would encourage talking to your therapist about the incident if you can - ultimately they are there to help you and may be able to work with you on strategies, just as CANDC said. She can only help with what she knows about.

[wearymomof6]

Originally Posted by mazing

I'm glad to hear that you are beginning to feel slightly better. I really would encourage talking to your therapist about the incident if you can - ultimately they are there to help you and may be able to work with you on strategies, just as CANDC said. She can only help with what she knows about.

I saw my therapist on Saturday morning and will see her again tomorrow. I did end up telling her about Tuesday. She actually understood a she's had other patients who have done similar things. She is talking to me about medications. I really don't like meds. But I may try some if it will help me recover. This has been going on for over two years. I've never been so bad before. I've definitely have had bouts with depression in the past, but this is the absolute worst and feels the most in terms of permeating everything, I cannot see any good any longer. Life feels like a vicious cycle and I am so tired of being on it.

[StillIntending]

[mazing]

I know it may feel like that now but I promise you things can change and get better again. It won't always be like this. It sounds like you have a very supportive therapist who will be a great support

[wearymomof6]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to check in. I've been on 100 mg of Zoloft daily now for about 6 weeks, and I cannot believe how MUCH BETTER I feel! Wow, its like night and day! Thank you, all, who were here for me when I was so, so sick!