[Christina86]

Was deleted and now I've just re-added it ... sort of.

I have odd skin. Skin that gets itchy and has these little bumps. Which I occassionally scratch off. Not SI because it doesn't bleed and doesn't cause scars and really doesn't hurt. It just starts the urge.

Which then gets bad enough that I think about using my razor (I was in the washroom obviously trying to relax and having a shower) ... I manage to get out without doing something...

Now I'm at my computer and the swiss army knife is in the desk drawer. I could get something to eat since I've only eaten once today ... but then there's sharp pointy things there.

I've managed to get myself into a mess. Sad thing is that I'm not emotionally distraught so there's no reason to want to do it. I just want to.

152 days today. I'd flush it down the drain. I would in a heartbeat. I hate feeling emotionally distant. Maybe I should do it just to feel SOMETHING. Maybe I just want to see the blood. I don't know. I just want to.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Could it be because you are emotionally disconnected that you feel you need to cut? Please try and be kind to yourself as you are a good person. I hope you decide that cutting is not the best course of action. Please take care.

BB

[Christina86]

Oops. I didn't see your post (((((((((((((BB))))))))))))))))

Thank you.

I am feeling emotionally disconnected. Quite the not-so-nice feeling.

[Christina86]

I had deleted the first post (not before BB saw it) and because a very nice someone told me that I should re-add it and not worry if it's like I'm attention seeking... a different version of what I could have written is up.

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((christina))))))))))))))

i'm glad you reposted!!!!

i'm sorry about your skin issue - that just sucks!!!! it feeds right into wanting to si!!

i hope you're able to hold off. you are definitely worth it!!

but even if you do cut tonight....you aren't flushing 152 days away...you'll just be experiencing a minor set back....and tomorrow you'll pick right back up with NOT si-ing!!!

i'm overweight and i feel that way dieting sometimes....i do so good for x number days then one bad day and i feel like i ruined all that previous work....but i really don't....and you won't ruin all the wonderful work you've done within yourself to not SI all this time!!!!

so take away that stress!!!! you're not throwing away 152 days!!! maybe that will help relieve some tension....enough to not feel like you want to give in to temptation!?

hope that made some little bit of sense??!!??!

if not, just know that i'm wishing you the very best!!!! and sending TONS of positive thoughts your way!!!!!

[Irine]

maybe this emotionally disconected feeling is a way of yoiur souldtowards healing?

don`t be afraid of it. trust your soul

[gostryter]

hi sweetie!! just checking in with you!

hope you've been doing well!!!!! are you making it ok???

(((((((((((((((((((((((((christina)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

153 days today.

I want to but I cant.

I had therapy. It didn't help.

Talking to my friend, I wanted to scream.

I'd love to scream. I want to hurt something. Break something.

If this is me being mad I want it to stop. I hate that

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((((((christina)))))))))))))))))))))))))

yeah!!! on 153!!! i'm doing terrible myself ~ i know how bad the urges can be!! hang in there!!!

i say go ahead and scream!!!!!! scream into a pillow!!!!! i double dog dare you!!!!!

you can break something too!!! smash a plate on the floor....dare ya to do that too!!!

it's OK for you to feel mad!! if you're feeling the mad that means you're not hiding behind the SI!! you're feeling instead! that's awesome!!

i am sorry to hear therapy didn't help....but hang in there....maybe next time will be better!

[Fuzzybear]

Being is ok. Be gentle with my friend (((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

(((((((((gostryter)))))))))))))

I went to bed pissed off with the world and wrote a very long entry swearing at stuff on another site I'm a part of. (LJ)

Thank you for giving me permission. I've never been allowed to before.

((((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))))))))) Thanks for always being supportive my lovely friend

[gostryter]

whenever you need a little encouragement to express your anger you just come to me!! i like screaming and breaking things!!! i don't like cleaning the mess up after...but the breaking things is kinda fun!

take care!!!!! i'm just a scream away if ya need me!!

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))
I'm so sorry i didn't see your post until now ...

Stay strong my friend. 153 days is HUGE and I just know that you are so capable of adding more days to that. or months. years even. I have such strong faith in you.

Why not throw out your knife? get rid of as many sharp things that you would use (within reason) so that the temptation isn't directly in front of you? ... thats what i had to do. If my friend hadn't taken away the things i used i probably would still be doing it to this day.

Please take good care of yourself, and know that i'm here for you always