[ickydog2006]

Could be triggering

I don't really know what to do... there's nothing I can do. (a little background) My dad called me Wed. and told me mom wanted a divorce (he thought I deserved fair warning before coming home on Thursday for the weekend). Dad thinks she's too lazy to deal with getting papers and thinks they'll stay together, just not really. She's gotten back on drugs and doesn't like that he isn't approving of it (and I'm not talking prescription drugs). My dads miserable because she's miserable to be around but won't try to make things better. She won't really talk to him, sleeps in a different room...ect... (end of background)....now back to the issue....

I just want to cut... to not feel anything for a while... is that so wrong... I don't want to feel this... it's not fair... I didn't do anything yet somehow I feel like I did. She always blamed me for her drug problem because I'm "stressful"... and yes, she told me that, in a joint counseling session, I'm stressful and drugs are the only way she can cope with it, and since drugs are what makes their marriage go south she has always blamed me when they don't get along over the issue. I"M NOT EVEN THERE.... IT"S MY SECOND YEAR OF COLLEGE... but somehow I think maybe if I was home she would try to keep the family together...maybe if I did this or that things would be different.... maybe I just want to be able to blame me so I can punish myself and then maybe things will be okay... I don't know what to think anymore... I just want to not feel... I don't want to be mad at her, but I don't want to be mad at me, yet I'm mad at both. I don't know. I haven't felt this much emotional pain in a while. I don't know what to do with it. I just want to escape it.... why...why can't I do anything about this. I'm scared to lay down, scared to close my eyes, cravings are just too bad, I don't know if I can face them, I don't know if I can face myself right now... how much pain is inside... I don't know

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((((icky)))))))))))))))
I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with all of this right now. I know the heartache that surrounds parents divorcing .. I'm still working on that now, but just know that you are not to blame... for anything. Not the divorce, the drugs, and to be honest, even if you were home, I doubt that there would be much you could do. I'm not saying that it doesn't matter if you're there, but its between your parents.
I can't tell you how many times that i've thought about possible scenarios where i'd been home, that could have mabye helped them. I could have been more aware of their feelings, I could have actually noticed something was wrong, I could have showed them how important our family is to me ... but you can't keep going over these things in your head. It took me a long time to realise that it was out of my hands, and although it can be a hard, long, road ... you just have to accept their decision, and do your best to move forward with it.
I also understand the wanting to not feel anything ... and SI has been a part of my life - partially due to my parents - too ... but it really didn't get me anywhere. If anything, i just made people in my life worried, which then only worried me more because i didn't want people to waste their time worrying about me! It's really a vicious cycle ... although i'm sure you already know that.
But you need to know that this will get easier. And its not as simple as "telling your mind to get over it." This is a lot to process, and you're mind simple cannot forget about it, suppress the pain, or express it in any other way. The best thing to do (in my opinion) is to find ways to distract it. Now I don't mean suppress it or anything, let nature take its course, but try not to dwell on it. Acknowledge it, but only give yourself a certain "time period" if you will for those thoughts. Give them their chance to be expressed, but don't let them take over your thoughts 24/7.
How you think, is how you feel, is how you live. It you dwell on it, or worry about it etc, you will feel like crap, and you will feel "stuck" or numb, or unsure of yourself in every aspect. But this doesn't have to be the only way ... you can choose not to blame yourself, and take matters into your own hands.
I don't know if this is helping any ... but if its any consolation i truly 100% understand you're pain. I myself am in 2nd year of University (or College) and went through a very similar situation last year.
If you ever want to talk, my PM's are always open.
Be gentle with yourself,
(((hugs)))
Jacq

(((ickydog)))
I am so sorry you are going through this. NONE of this is your fault. It really upsets me when parents divorce and they put there children in the middle and make them feel responsible. The only responsible people are your parents.

<font color="#000088">I'm so sorry you're going through this ickydog! It isn't your fault what's going on with your parents. It was wrong for your Mother to put the blame on you for her drug use, even if she has her own stress over whatever,it's her choice how she deals with it. Not your fault, how she deals with it! I'm sorry she blamed you for that,she was wrong,and out of line! You have a life of your own,as an adult,and you're only responsible for what you do, not what she does!
I think finding other ways to distract you from all that tension is a great idea, even though it's much easier said than done! It's better to atleast try! I've been putting my energy in taking out my anger in playing my video game, and it's been working for me. Maybe you can find something to do to get your frustrations out to, like writing down how you feel, then maybe burning it. I used to do that,and it helped. It's worth a shot,just a suggestion. But know that I'm here for you to,and you can PM me anytime as well! (((((((ickydog)))))) </font>

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( ickydog )))))))))))))