feeling angry - upset - mad at the world

Not really sure where to put this post - lots of things are going on. My husband is bipolar and I think I am catching it - at least the depression side, I feel so angry with him at times. This morning I was getting ready for work in the living room and I could smell him - he is going thorugh a period of time where he refuses to take a shower - it is making me insain. He says he is taking his medication but I don't think they are working as well as we need them too. He has been diagnosed with this disease for 11 years and I'm tired - I want out. He doesn't work, he is on disability, he doesn't help out around the house, he sits and watches TV all the time and gripes about everything. I work full time and take care of my father - another great story - we learned around Halloween this year that he has molested children, several including my older brother. Now he is living with me, he is 83 and has offered to register as a sex offender and he cries every time we try to talk about it. I have lots of questions/concerns but don't know exactly how to handle this situtation - I want out of this situation as well. I would just like to move off and leave the two of them to fend for themselves. I can take care of me - but I can't keep taking total care of these two. I have two grown children, one Friday after thanksgiving moved to South Korea for a year of teaching (great for him but hard for me) the other is in college about an hour away from home, which is good I see him often enough but he doesn't have to live in this crazy environment.

I don't know why I am posting this, just needed to vent - I have been crying almost daily since the beginnning of November, I'm sure a great deal of it is to do with learning of my father's past, worrying about my sons, myself and my brothers, put that ontop of taking care of my husband and my son leaving and I think I am just at the limits of my ability to handle everything in a rationale manner.

(((hugs)))) Wow you certainly are trying to manage alot! As for the 83 year old, if he is incapacitated to where he can't do anything ot anyone, the only thing registering now will do is make it so he has no place to live, and if you are taking care of him, you will also be the brunt of the stigma and problems he made.

I can see why you want out. You feel trapped. Nowhere in your post do I see where anyone is going to therapy. I strongly suggest this for you, so that even if you do get out you will do so not out of exasperation but with a clear thinking of what you have to do for self care.

The doctor who is precribing the medication for the spouse needs to know that he isn't showing or doing anything. Dump that into the medical doctor's and psychiatrist's hand..if so need be, let them commit him to help stablize him.

I hope I have offered some ideas and helped break your frustration a bit. TC

Dear Bbren,

I'm so sorry for your situation. Your plate is definitely full. We can be thankful that your father is 83 now and very doubtful he will molest again. Sky is right, the only thing that having your father register as a sex offender wlll do, is cause more problems for you. That you don't need.
Your husband needs to go back to his doc ASAP. The meds are definitely not working right and the doc needs to adjust them. Refusing to take a shower isn't normal.
Are you on any anti-depressants? It sounds like you need them. I'm not trying to push anti-depressants but without them, I wouldn't be here, so I know they will work if you find the right ones.
I don't blame you one bit for wanting out. Anyone would in this situation. I'm just sorry you have to endure this. That's alot of stress.
I am glad your one son lives fairly close. Are you able to talk to him about these problems? It may help and he may try and keep in contact with you more often if he knows what you are going through. I have two sons and I am able to talk to them about anything, as they are me. They are grown and married but once in a while, they still need Mom's shoulder, as I do them.
I hope your situation will better itself somehow. I am glad you posted. You need to post more, even if it's just to vent. It does help release some of the stress we feel.
Take care of yourself and I'll say a prayer for you,
Linda

Thank you both so much for you kind and knowledgable words - I have thought of what you said but hadn't realized it if that makes sense.

My father is a difficult situation - just dealing with what he has done is enough for me = having him register would as you have said only bring more complication when he really needs more care and needs to go into a home of another sort.

My husband has an appointment with his psych friday afternoon - I am talking to his psych on Thursday to confirm the appointment and will try and let him know as much as I can in a 5 minute phone call - he (psych) always calls me the day before appointments to find out how things are going - he's great for that.

I am also considering making an appointment with the psych for me, I have not yet and no I am not on any antidepressants (I have my dogs and our walks - my form of therapy, but it is limited).

I really appreciate your being here and your words of wisdom - thanks so much.

hey....I hope things get better for you... I have to agree that you should be taking something to help you cope with all the stress you have right now.Maybe something like Wellbutrin or lexepro....

I can't imagine the pain and confusion you are having to deal with over your father... and anger... wow..and to have to take care of him while you love him and probably hate him at the same time...

I think thats an issue you should be talking about ..your dad molesting children... sorting out how you feel about it...about him..

And can he not go into a facility where he can get round the clock care and you aren't the one trying to do it all?At least you don't have small children to try and take care of too, although I know you must miss your son terribly...

Well , I hope you know you are not alone.. you have friends here who will help you all they can.. myself included...Hang in there! I hope things get regulated for hubby soon....Love, Faith

I really need to thank all of you - not just who posted here in response to my note but all - I read other notes and words of encouragement and it helps. Thanks

Today for the first time in almost a month I didn't cry. YEAH!! seems like a small thing but wow, I just noticed this afternoon that I hadn't cried all day - wow what an accomplishment - it really feels good - hopefully I am getting better and can start to handle some of this as a reasonable person instead of just knee jerk reacting all the time -

THANK YOU ALL

{{{{bbren}}}} Wow...no wonder why you have been crying....you must be feeling totally trapped at this point. As caregivers, we so often give so much of ourselves to the people we're caring for and before you know it, you turn around and see that there is absolutely nothing left for ourselves (or left OF ourselves). Our individuality has gone by the wayside, our sense of who we are and what we are can only be described as "caregiver". We no longer have a clue as to what we need, where to turn or how to help ourselves out of the situation, or even just make ourselves better so we can continue giving the care.

Working through your situation with your husband and the mixed up emotions you must be feeling about your father is one thing, but you have to draw the line somewhere and take care of #1 in order to deal with the others.

Is there any way you can take some time for yourself to get away for a couple of days each month? Respite is so very important for the caregiver to take advantage of to help keep your sanity.

I hope you can find some solutions to help you help yourself. Sometimes the smallest of things like rewarding yourself with a new outfit, or going out for an ice cream can make all the difference in your day. Make it a point to pamper yourself every single day...you SO DESERVE it!

Take good care of YOU!

Hugssssssss
Jean

I really appreciate all of the help that everyone has to offer in here - it's great.

I have been giving a lot of thought to taking one day a week and going out - whether it is to the park with the dogs or somewhere else that I would like to go without either my father or my husband - for at least 4-6 hours of me time. I really think I am missing this and have been for a long time, just have gotten use to not having it and forgotten that I need to do things that I enjoy and that make me happy and feel better besides taking care of everyone else.

I would love to take a week vacation but that doesn't seem possible between work and scheduling help to baby sit (dad and husband) until late spring. But I am beginning to start to plan a week - just for me and what I want to do and to be able to sleep/eat and go on my schedule would be nice. - Dreaming is a wonderful way to get away when reality doesn't let us go for real.

Anyway - thanks I really appreciate all the help I have received writing helps, it makes me think about me and it makes me feel responsible to do what I think I want to do with getting away even just for a few hours to try and get my mind back -