<font color="#000088">I'm sorry if I let anyone down, I can't say I've gone 7 Years anymore, I SI'd last night! I was feeling so alone, and couldn't help myself. The urges were too strong for me, and I just started scratching away with a blade, but it was so dull that it wouldn't cut deep enough to cause any damage. So there's just scratch marks, and redness, and swelling there! I just feel ashamed that I broke the 7 year record I had! I'm sorry if I let anyone down, that looked up to me for having that 7 years without!
I messed up, and I'm sure it won't be the last, because I already know that once you start it's really hard to stop! Because I was there 7 years ago! And I was doing it for 20 years! So I know the cycle!
I hope you're not all mad at me now for screwing up! </font>

only love and understanding.. sweetie..

(((((((((justice))))))))))))))

((Justice)) I am sorry you are having such a bad time. Please be safe.

[Pita]

((((Justice))))))) You have not let me down - I am just sorry you are finding such a tough spot right now. Take special care of yourself.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Justice))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) You haven't let anyone down. It may not seem so now but somehow you coped for 7 years without SI and you can again. Please be kind to yourself. All I have is compassion for you; no anger. Please try and be safe.

BB

[ickydog2006]

I'm not mad at you. Also, I still look up to you; you made seven years without (and can again); That is amazing. Yes, you slipped, and I know that it is going to be really really rough for you again, but you can still say that you made seven years without it once. And if you've made it once that far I have faith that you can do it again.

Post deleted by bipolar_bear

[DocClyde]

(((justice)))

[SweetSunshine]

Justice~
I am sorry this happened to you. Its been over a year since I last cut. And believe me these past couple weeks have been hard not to. But its ok to start over again. I hope your able to do that sooner than later. If you can, try to protect yourself from whomever and whatever is bothering you. Keeping you in my thoughts . Take care ok. PM me if you need to .

Hugz
Beth

<font color="#000088">Thanks, I'm trying so hard. But once I start, it's hard to stop. I've been holding all this pain in for so long, that now it doesn't want to stop coming out. I really screwed up by starting this vicious cycle! I hope you understand what I mean. I'm pretty sure that when I see my Pdoc on the 3rd of Oct., he'll probably do something about it. He knows my history, and how serious it is. He'll probably stop me with or without my consent! Which is fine with me! I'm just hurting and scared, and I think I actually need his help in stoping me, to be perectly honest!
Thanks for all your support, again I really appreciate it! </font>

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Justice )))))))))))))))

<font color="#000088">(((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))) </font>

[Rapunzel]

If you need pdoc's help in stopping you, will you be okay until your appointment? Do you need to call him now and get some help? I don't know if you've done any more, but if it helps you can still refer to your 7 year clean streak and say you have only slipped once in 7 years, and then 8, 9, 10 years...

So don't give up on staying safe just because you had a slip, ok? What healthy coping skills are you using now? Start from where you are, and keep moving forward.

TC,
Rap

<font color="#000088">I saw my PDoc on Wednesday, and I told him that I slipped and was cutting again. He asked me if I would agree not to cut until I saw him again in a month! I said NO, but I told him I wouldn't cut deep enough for a transfusion, and he was happy with that, and said okay, and just told me to see him in a month then! So I guess as long as I stay away from the arteries he's fine with it! But I think if I end up in the ER needing stiches, he'll do something then. I think he was just in a hurry, he kept looking at his watch the whole time I was there! My neighbors are trying really hard to push me over the edge to! I'm barely hanging on by a thread! </font>

<font color="#000088">I'm trying so hard, but I can't stop! I even tried to call my case worker for help, and she didn't even return my call! My neighbors are pushing me over the edge, and I cut again last night, I don't even remember how many times. I just couldn't stop! Atleast it's getting too cold to walk around with a short sleaved shirt now! So nobody will see it while I'm in public, running my errands to pay my bills tomorrow! I just can't believe my PDoc gave me permission to do it!
Maybe he thought reverse Psychology works on me, if he did, he was wrong!
I can spot reverse Psychology from a mile away!
I used to use it to help my brothers, it works on them!</font>

[ickydog2006]

I'm so sorry things are this hard for you right now Justice. I'm also sorry you arn't finding the help you need IRL. Do you have other friends you can talk to about this? Also, you are welcome to come rant on here anytime. I also really like being able to come to chat here. Even if you start out as the only one you usually won't be left alone for very long in the support chat section.

I know it is really hard to reach out to people when they let you down and just make you feel worse, but don't give up. Keep trying to reach people before they see the scars, it takes a lot sometimes, but eventually you find a few people care and show it. Plus, we all love and care for you here, but it is good to find others that are physically closer (i.e. where you live) to help.

Try to stay safe and remember that as much as we try to put bounderies on our SI, in my experience, we rarely stick to them without help. We do something and think I won't let it get this far, then snap to and realize we passed the line long ago.

Just try to find ways that help you reduce the severity of your SI.

I really don't want to lose you.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

<font color="#000088">Well I haven't cut for 3 1/2 weeks now. I just figured, why am I just doing these little cuts that aren't even taking away enough of the pain inside,yet leaving all these tiny scars instead,for nothing! So I decided that if I'm going to cut at all, I might as well wait until I'm ready to do it right, to where it will take enough pain away, so the scars won't be for nothing! That way I won't be wasting my time on stupid little scratches that aren't even going to bleed enough to take away my pain!
I'm a deep cutter, not a scratcher! It takes much more to take my pain away than just a few little drops! It takes atleast 2-3 pints! Sometimes more! So I'm not gonna do it, until I'm ready to lose that much! And I did tell my PDoc I wouldn't lose that much before I saw him next week! So I have to keep my word!And hold out until after I see him! That way I didn't break my promise of not going deep enough for a transfusion!
It sucks having that much pain, to where it takes that much to let it out, but that's just my life! If my Dad were still alive,I wouldn't be in as much pain! I never had the chance to deal with his death! I just had it rubbed in my face, by my family! Making it that much harder! So I'm not cutting right now. I'm saving the space for the big one's! The little one's don't do me any good anyway!(((((((((ickydog2006)))))))) </font>

[mlpHolmes]

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