[Zenobia]

...and today I drew blood. I did not mean to. It just happened. What can I learn from this? How do I fight the evil that buried itself in me 24 years ago? How do I stop doing to myself what he did so long ago? The wounds are different but the pain is the same. How do I unraval this psychological entaglement and become free forever?
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Four months this time! That's good! (I'm on 2 days at the moment) I guess I don't have the answers, but hang in there. Sometimes you take a small step backwards, but you have been making such great strides forward that a little slip isn't going to keep you down.

How's it going with your new T? What does she say about this?

Wendy

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>

[Zenobia]

She doesn't know yet, it happened yesterday morning. I am debating whether to call her or not. I am feeling more stable today though last night was LOOOONNNNNGGGGG. I am not being haunted constantly by the urge. Maybe I should just wait until my session next week and tell her there. What do you think?
Zen

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[shakes]

Zenobia,
If you feel the urge come back I would def recommend talking to your T before next week's session. However if you feel ok and just think you slipped...because it has been awhile.... then I would just wait.

Stay strong,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

[heatherm]

(((((((((((Carrie))))))))))))))

I've missed you hun. Please take care and know how strong you are.

xoxo


Heather

[Zenobia]

Then I guess I should call her, the urge is a constant companion walking beside me laughing and joking like it is one great buddy who can make life oh so much better. When I think about it I get a bitter taste in my mouth. It is lies, all lies and I want to believe every single one of them.
Zen

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[STar427]

I've stopped hurting myself so any times for maybe even months at a time, then without thinking I do it. Does the urge ever go away?

[Zenobia]

Strength is not something I have. People seem to believe I do have strength but they are misled by my dogged determination to survive. People believe that I will be ok, that I can handle whatever comes my way because of my poise in the face of adversity, my intellegence, my humor. They don't see however that it is all an act. Everything that you think I am is a lie. I have always been a lie, never actually real. Something fading in and out, behaving in ways that would make everyone so proud of me. When I can't measure up to the expectations, when I can't be strong enough, poised enough, smart enough to make people proud, I hide. I fade away. I disappear and people forget about me. After all no one has to worry about me because I am strong and can get through anything. I am smart enough to take care of myself.

No, I am not strong. I just don't want to live this life again so I hang on for all I am worth and pray that I am not wrong in my belief in karma and reincarnation and all that. If I am wrong then I should have killed myself a long time ago and not wasted all this energy. Of course if I am wrong why would I want to speed up my trip to hell? That place sounds a lot worse then here. At least here I can turn on the air conditioner when I get into the car on a hot day. Sigh. Either way, whether I am wrong or right it seems like a good idea not to exit this world at this point in time but SI is not exiting. Can someone please remind me of all the wonderful advice I gave you all on reasons not to hurt myself. I can't seem to remember.
Zen

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[Zenobia]

Yes, the urge does go away. I lived without if for at least a month maybe close to 2. What I want to know is "does it ever go away and never come back?"

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[PlanningtoLive]

:::::::::tears in my eyes::::::::::::: oh Carrie, your first paragraph sums up me and my life so perfectly. Right now everyone thinks I am fine also - stupid fools.

Please hang in there. I care about you.


<font color=blue>If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.~ Sam Levenson<font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sometimes the road is rough, and sometimes we have set-backs, but you can ride it out, and you'll make it through this. I'm worried that you have been down longer than you usually are. But I know that you can do it too. And it's okay to lean on someone when you need to. I'm glad to see you here again, but I wish that you didn't feel so bad.
Wendy

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>