venting...

I know I haven't been here in a while, and it may be selfish coming back here just to suit my own needs, but I gotta say something where I know other people who understand will read.

I'm really scared right now. I don't know how else to describe it, I feel like cutting so badly. I shouldn't, I've gone...geez, I haven't counted in so long...atleast a year and 1/2 without it. I've gone through depression and thwarted the urge, good times, bad times, anytime and I've gotten it to go away. But it hasn't been this overwhelming in so long. I'm so scared, I didn't know it had this sick power over me. A year and 1/2 without it, and I'm feeling like I could have done it yesterday. Like the urge is there cause I've fed it recently, and I haven't. This is horrible. I can't shake it. I find myself just blatantly fantasizing about it. I was cleaning my bathroom earlier and grabbed a pair of mini-scissors to put them away and I felt this like, rush of complete excitment and fear jolt through me, as though I had sincerely contemplated it. Like I tricked my mind into thinking it was going to happen.

Is this not disgusting? What the hell?? This isn't alcohol or drugs here - but it feels like it's stronger than the best kind out there. It feels like an addiction. A year and a half and I still think about it, I still get this way. What is that about? It's so hard to explain, people who don't do this (SI) just don't get it. %#@&#!, even I don't get it. How do you explain something you don't even get yourself? Psychologists can barely explain it themselves - and they are the experts.

I don't know, writing truly helps, so thanks for this. I can promise you all I'm going to try my best. I don't want to cut, I know what that brings, where it will take me, but it's so god damn tempting. Everything could be better, it's just that simple. But I'll try to think ahead - how I'll feel tomorrow, how i'll be forced to hide it...I hope it outweighs the pain im in right now.

I am glad so far you have been able to reisist. I hope you can continue to use the positive coping skills you have used over the last year and a half. We are here for you. Take care.

BB

i am sorry things are so hard for you right now, i hear your pain and struggle. writing helps me to, so post as often as you need to or even more than that. i will be here to cheer you on

when you are down and struggling it is perfectly ok to rely on the strength of others, who knows down the road i might need to lean on your strength.

Linda

(((((((((( hereiam ))))))))))

i'm sorry you felt so strongly about wanting to cut. it can feel a bit frightening and disturbing to not be in full control of self-destructive urges.

like last night i went out with my friend since it was her birthday party but i only had one drink. in the car a group of us were talking about drink and my friend said she could easily be an alcoholic. i said the same, thinking about the time last year when i was drinking too much every day. but she laughed and found it funny because I haven't drunk any alcohol since then and she didn't know i was drinking. but just having that one glass (1shot of southern comfort and diet coke) made me 'thirsty' and I really wanted a drink when i got back to her house but there wasn't anything there i could really drink (cheap beer and cheap wine make me sick/ feel sick) which made me annoyed. But later i felt depressed when the alcohol wore off and i wanted to cut too, which would be the first time in many months. but i didn't because i didn't know where my blades are since my bedroom has been re-decorated and things are still very disorganised. But yeah, I know this isn't really very relevant since I haven't had such a strong craving as you but urges can spring up most unexpectedly, and at difficult times too. i hope your urges pass soon.

just stopped back in to say after writing this i felt much better, and kept myself very distracted. i didnt cut. thanks for all your kind words.

congrats on not cutting glad you're feeling better now, long may it last

Good job not cutting! It is an addiction, you know. It affects the brain in very simimar ways as substance addiction. And I've gotten a rush handling my knife too, even when I didn't use it or just went through the motions. It's not safe to try that though. The closer you get to doing it, the stronger the pull is. Keep on resisting! The other thing you need to do is to address the feelings that make you want to cut. When you feel bad, talk about your feelings or do something about it constructively. Then you can feel better long-term.

TC,
Rap