[Kiya]

I just started a new job (today will be day 8 for me) and the other day I turned around to find the SI tool we tend to use right there on the oounter. We recolied from it like it were an 8-legged. Then later the item (a box cutter) could not be found, and it was a compulsion to find it, to keep it in sight, lest it surprise us again. It could not be located and the panic was setting in - there was a tape gun and so that was used ever so briefly to settle the panic. Later it popped up again and started the cycle again. When left alone with it, it was used. I do not want us to go down this path again (this is how this started in my first ever retail job - to the point of using it while the boss was there as were customers. No one knew). I called T but she is gone for the weekend starting thursday - yesterday it was dealt with by carring the blade around and opening and closing it on my thumb - not puncturing, just being sharp as a way of dealing.
I can't keep the system away from the box cutters, it is a strong compulsion to use them when ever seen. Any ideas on how to break the compulsion???
Kiya

[Perna]

Get yourself your own that is a different color or type, etc. than the store's and know it is with you at all times (but leave it at the store at night)? Might make you more comfortable from seeing the others since you would have "yours"/be carrying them around. I'd get a tool belt :-) and holster for the box cutter so you have somewhere to "put" it when others are around and don't look funny just constantly holding it?

http://roadietools.com/holsters.html

[LizardL8y]

Yeah, if its at work, who knows what kind of bateria and other junk may be on it! If you are going to cut in the first place, the last thing you need is an infection to add to it.

[Kiya]

yeah... at first i didn't think that would work because i want to overcome the compulsion to cut and those box cutters showing up is like a trigger with a compulsion attached. To have it with me would be worse. But - when I ran across one that was actually different than the others, I did keep it with me at my station. When things got bad i just pressed the point against my thumb, but didn't actually cut. That actually worked! Though later it went missing and I looked for it - having it missing means it will pop up as a trigger again sometime. When it was at my station, i could glare at it - put anger towards it, instead of at me. Thanks for the suggestion.
yeah, i didn't think about germs n stuff when i ran into the tape gun.... so now i am having to treat that with neosporin.
kiya

[Rapunzel]

Kiya, how about if you designate a place for it, and any time you see it, send it to its place. Maybe you could develop an affirmation that you can use to remind yourself or reward yourself for taking power over it, not letting it control you.

Another idea is to find someone you can trust and ask them to keep it away from you.

You can do it!

Rap

[Kiya]

hmmmmmm... maybe i could do an affirmation...
i have little control as to their comings and goings because there are 5-10 people behind the looooooonnnnnnggggggggggg counter and 5-10 more in the store packing, opening boxes and such... so they come and go. we're always on a different register daily so no one has just one spot. and we're not allowed a tool belt or anything so i can't wear it on me... but maybe when i find them i can work at putting them at a distance from the compulsion by making them in my power??
kiya

[Perna]

You could "tell" on yourself too. My girlfriend at work is not good around knives/sharp objects, not because of SI but because she's just "clumsy" and when cooking, etc. sometimes gets cut and her family has always known that about her (her sister(s) use to work with her too). So, she calls out or someone else calls out, "Uh oh, Debbie's got a sharp object, watch out!" and we laugh about it. If you let it be known that you "aren't good" with sharp objects or box cutters and made a "joke" of it, others would look/notice/be "part" of the whole thing which might break the compulsion or routine, etc. Or pretend/let it be known you like "order" and want them all in X place, etc. so the whereabouts of box cutters becomes a bit of a group joke and the box cutters lose their ability to "surprise" you because people will tease you that they have one or find one in the "wrong" place, etc. It will be warm and supportive instead of worrisome for you.

[Kiya]

Heh - that's totally me and superglue - I always end up either sticking something to me or gluing my fingers together. Maybe i can try that with the razors. thanks.
Kiya

[Rapunzel]

((( Kiya )))

I just wanted to mention what a pleasure it is to help someone who accepts ideas and suggestions and is willing to try them. Please let us know what happens when you do, and how it works for you, okay?

Rap

Do you know anyone at work in management that you can seriously trust. I worked at a retail store for a while and I finally confided in one of the managers that I had gotten to know. They can find ways to help you. My manager checked on me through the day to help keep me safe. Also they helped set me up with BVR (Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation) to get a job coach. (There job is to follow you around and help you out when you are overwhelmed, frusterated, have any type of problem.) A job coach may be very helpful to you.

[Kiya]

Oh my gosh - this job!!!! Ok, here is my NEW affirmation: This job is seasonal; only 3 more months.
This job is seasonal; only 3 more months.
I can do this - this is do-able.
3 mone months.

I am wary of my managers! They're all.... what can I say... scary! The one who hired me is can change from totally zanny/off the wall to a tyrant. Then the next one i trust most the time, but definately don't want to get on her bad side. #3 was in such a bad mood yesterday that her normal zest for rules and messing with people who mess up turned into the Rule Gestapo. I got locked out of the store yesterday (because she does this to spite people who mess up) and had to go allllllllllllllllll the way around to the main door. And manager #4 personally i think is an SOB. thankfully, I rarely ever close with him.
So - I am thinking it is best not to breathe a word about my boxcutter issues with anyone. Just rely on my new affirmation, continue carying one around with me and keept it at my station when i have to put it down, and posting in here to people who totally 'get' it.
I'm sure everyone in here totally understands the built-in sensitivity that comes with our lives - picking up on other people's emotions before they do. I turned into a different person around the Rule Gestapo, for safety measures. I was afraid to do anything else i mess up and she was right there over my shoulder watching (because I am new). But again, i closed out just fine as i have every night. Breathing and telling my self to focus on my work, not on her.
(((((((((((((((((thanks all))))))))))))))))))))
Kiya

[Kiya]

Thanks twirls - i've never heard of a job coach like that. I'll have to look in to it.

That brings up a good point for me- or some post did... I'm getting spacy so losing track... but i feel like i've become this "problem perosn" who is on track with agraphobia because anytime i go out or try to find work or see the news or interact with people - there's always a trigger. And they can ruin the day or even one's life if they get out of hand. I notice i have been limiting what I precieve i can do based on the possible triggers that may occur. I've got to get a handle on this - this is not the life i want for myself.
My new t has started working on containment skills alreayd (something i've actually never had in 4 years of therapy). This is also providing ground for me to practice in because her "we're being quiet and calming" voice is triggering. I called and told her next time we have to change things to create inner safety - else the tape she made for me of that session is only going to lead to more cutting.
I hope i made sense - out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
kiya

[Kiya]

Today was different because we started out soooo busy right as soon as we opened - and then as the day got slower my mood fell some. By the time i ran across a blade, I was alone in the back with it. Thankfully others were nearby and hearing them got me to put it down before anything serious happened.
I trust that as we get busier, I will have less opps to pick them up. I hope.
Kiya