[PlanningtoLive]

I have been having alot of physical pain lately, in addition to my back. For the last month, it has been chest pain and severe swelling in the lower extremities. Been to the ER about 4 times now with no real luck.

I saw my primary doc and he is worried - saw the swelling, which begins the minute I get up. As you can guess, by the time I get done doing my extreme work hours, I can hardly move. My knees and ankles swell up to 3 times their normal size.

Anyway, he also put me on water pills, 60 mg., and it has at least made it so that I can work. I have also been talking to a new pdoc.......not sure whether I like him or not. He doesn't "know" me, you understand? [sigh] Anxiety has been kicking into overdrive as well.

My primary doc ordered a complete battery of bloodwork done, which I found out today came back okay - all normal. EKGs, scans, etc. were all done - all fine.

I had an ultrasound done on my heart yesterday, results to be known next Wednesday at my primary doc's appt. If that turns out normal as well, then the next step I was told, was an internal exam - might be a mass in my pelvic area that is causing the swelling, etc.

Throw in my 67 hour work week this week, 43 only last week........stress with HIM because we don't have milk, etc. etc. and he's out of cigs.........plus lack of sleep. One day I worked two 17 hour days with only 5 hours of sleep.......

My new pdoc is also very worried. I called him this morning very early, in a highly agitated state of mind, and left him a message. When he called back and heard, he said that for normal people working that many hours is too much, but for someone with my physical and emotional issues, it is highly dangerous for me.

No one seems to understand that I HAVE to do this - bills don't get paid by themselves and now my beloved h has opened a checking account - thankfully just in his name. He has already overdrawn it.........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I know what a toll this is taking on me, physically and mentally. I am scared that I can't keep myself under control much longer. I am tired, physically and mentally, and simply don't have the strength to keep it up. I want to just give up and let whatever happens, happen.

My primary doc said that whatever is physically wrong with me, is physical, not mental - that was a relief. I'm just worried that if something is wrong, will I actually let it be fixed? Will I care enough to do it, or will I decide this is the easy way to die?

Thoughts race through my mind constantly, I'm spending money recklessly (thanks, bipolar) and through it all I breathe in and out in pain, limb at work from my leg which is permanently damaged, take my meds, and work anywhere from 12 to 17 hours a day.........then sleep about 2 1/2 and start all over again.

My new pdoc asked me what I would do if it got too overwhelming and I couldn't control myself anymore. My response was: 1) walk out of my job, get in car and simply drive till I can't anymore, or 2) take an overdose because I'm too tired to deal with things.

Yes, it is all up to me - things always are. I have to fix everything for everyone in my life. I just wish that once someone had an idea where I could make enough money, work a comfortable amount of hours, and spend time with my son.

Most everyone here knows my work ethics and my high standards of myself. You all also know about HIM and what a mooch he is, and what a destructive force he is in my life (again, a choice only I can change, I know).

The other alternative is that all the tests will come back normal and it really is all inside my head......if that is the case, what then??? How could I produce such extreme chest pain plus all the swelling? I'm not that talented.

I know everyone is here for me and that you care. I'm scared - really, honestly scared of where I am emotionally. It's almost at the end of a very frayed rope, not much left. As I told my new pdoc, I am tired of arguing and fighting with myself - the effort it takes constantly is draining me in every way.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

Planning,
Please take care of yourself! You are a special person and the bills aren't as important. People postpone paying their bills all the time. I know that is not a solution, and I understand your need to work hard. I just know that you sound like you may need to slow down the pace. Remember it is an option.
You are in my prayers and feel free to send me a message anytime.

[itsjustme111]

Bills can wait; you can't. Take care of yourself and get some rest. I am thinking of you and you are also in my prayers. Take some time out for yourself and relax. What helps you take your mind off of things? Music, a nice walk, a warm bath (with candles). Give yourself some time away. Take good care.

itsjustme

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't really know what to tell you. If someone had a magic answer that would solve all of this stuff, it would have shown up by now, probably. There is one thing that stands out to me. Your are letting him dump everything on you, and you rush in to pick up the pieces and hold it all together, and he keeps getting away with it. Mary Alice, he's not helping you. I understand that he's on disability, but it seems like he would be more fit for work than you are right now. He needs to do something to contribute, and stop just mooching from you, and if he won't do that, you need to get away from him. The aggravation is not worth it. I'm worried with him having a checking account, he'll keep overdrawing it and you'll keep bailing him out, and it will be just that much easier for him to spend out of control and you can't work any more to cover it. I don't need to tell you your spending isn't going to help either. You've got to stand up for yourself and your needs, set limits, and don't do more than you can do. I wish someone would step in and protect you and provide for you. That's your husband's job. It doesn't look like it's going to happen though, so you are going to have to speak up when you feel yourself getting close to your limits. Don't wait until after you are pushed past them. Let your docs help you too, and listen to them. Maybe they can come up with some ideas for you.

I worry about you.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{esthersvirtue}}}}}}}

I wish I could postpone some of the bills. If I waited past the due dates with the utilities, they'd disconnect - I finally got them at least current, but if they slide at all, they'll cut immediately. We were behind for a very long time.

I need to do more than slow down, course I've known that for a while now. Thanks.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[LadyDragus]

There are no easy answers, to this one my darling.

But I do agree bills cn wait, you cant.. I am not saying do not pay them, I am saying make arragments so you do not have to work so many hours, do somehting less, work so you do not have to work so long,
your health is more imporantant then bills..
your health is what worries me, no you can not cauese these symptoms but stress can..

My pdoc and T told me stress can bring on all kinds of things, and you honey are under more stress than I have seen you in a long time.. so mybe you need to get a stress test done, to see if anything is wrong that way???

Just trying to give some helpful advice..
I hope I did.

love to you..


<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}

I can just feel you wanting to shake me, and I know.

Ironically enough, he overdraws the acount (less than 2 weeks old already) and then I have to fill in the ledger for him since he can't do it himself. Cashiers fill in the checks for him, but I get the priviledge of knowing exactly how far in the hole he is.

That's why I called my new pdoc yesterday morning. I can feel the limits approaching. When I get stressed, I spend. Never knew why till I was dx with bipolar - I just do it and figure I'm going down anyway........then I scramble to pull myself out of it.

I know there's no magic wand, no wonderful answer......I don't have the guts to just go, or the ability to believe that I could work/manage on my own. I couldn't work the hours I need to and worry about Alex. I'm still trying for disability, which would give me the flexibility to take care of myself and still be there for Alex.

Gee, time to get ready for work.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{Itsjust}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Those sound so relaxing - I'm trying to fit anything in these days.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[ErinBear]

Hi Mary Alice,

I used to have trouble with swelling in my legs in the summertime, especially if it was very hot, and especially if I was up standing a lot, or sitting. If I was walking it wasn't as bad, or lying down was better yet. In the last two summers, it has become almost nonexistent, believe it or not, because I lost a ton of weight (about 100 pounds) and I think now that was the problem for me. I think the extra weight was putting pressure on blood vessels in my abdomen or something, and making it hard for fluids to get evened out somehow, especially with the heat.

Hot weather - and lots of standing - both of those can make people's legs swell. So if the weather has been especially hot in your area, that could be adding to the problem for you, Mary Alice.

Like you, we did a ton of tests. In my case, all the tests came out normal. I am wishing your tests would come out normal, in a way, because I don't want anything to be wrong with your heart, or for there to be a mass or something! And just because something doesn't show up on a test doesn't mean there isn't a problem. It's still a physical situation if your legs are swelling like that. You're not somehow making it up or having a psychosomatic problem. If you are on your feet constantly, my guess is that a 17-hour day is too long. It would be for a lot of people. It sure would be for me. It sounds to me like your body and your emotions are both trying to tell you that. I know you are in an extremely awkward position financially, but I think your body is trying to give you a message.....or maybe multiple messages :-)

Have you and your H considered going to consumer spending counseling or something, to learn to manage your finances differently? It sounds like you both may spend to deal with emotional issues. Getting that under control may help the picture. (I hope it is okay to say this - I used to do that as well and it helped me greatly to figure out that I was doing so, and learn to stop it)

Take care,
ErinBear

[(JD)]

WOW I am sorry to hear all this and don't have much else to add... except that many times "all" the tests come back okay yet... not really? Make sure you get a copy of the results. Sometimes ppl who are sensitive may show up on the low side of normal but it's not good enough for them... another doctor might realize this and take different action... plus having the actual numbers of the test results allows you to check with other resources.

Plus, there are always other tests... and I'm sure if you don't find some help, more ideas from here will abound. I know of many people who have gone through batteries of tests but not for, say, thyroid or pituitary or... etc.

But, yes, stress can do it too. I guess you are working TOO much (operative word is TOO) to try and figure out if staying at home, off your feet and --worrying-- also allows your feet to swell. It probably isn't anything "only" in your head though... we are a connected creation and there's something going on physically.

Try reaching out to support groups in your area, or church, or social services... even if they can't help you directly, they may have an idea or two that will help (how to "average pay" your utility bills) or such.

Keep posting, something you say might give another here a better idea.

Take care of yourself... it isn't being selfish... it's being wise.

[Zenobia]

Please Mary Alice, listen to your body. It needs you to stop and listen to it. It needs you to take care of it, do what is neccessary to take care of it. In doing so you will start to do what you need to take care of you. Listen to you doctor.
You are in my thoughts dear one,
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Erin,

It hasn't been very hot here this summer.....thank goodness. I have gained weight, which my primary doc asked me.......said it was important for him to know if I had.

My H and I don't do anything together, my friend. I end up paying everything and supporting him for about 3 weeks out of every month plus worry about things for my son. I wish I could save money, but I don't make enough. It costs me about $40 per week just in gasoline money to get back and forth to work.

He does whatever he wants with what he has, except for what I get for a portion of our rent plus $40 on a bill that I insist he pay and I pay the major balance after that.

I need to file bankruptcy but can't afford that either. Went to an attorney, but their payments were outrageous - $400 up front. Sure, I'll just take that out of my pocket - NOT.

xoxo

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{Trish}}}}}}}}

Yes, I am under more stress than I have ever been lately and not handling it very well. I think that is the worst part - I'm not all here enough to do it and don't have the energy to pull it all together.

Lots of love.............

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Sky.......I have checked with a number of local places (it's how we get some food in the house sometimes) and I of course, make too much money. Plus what my h gets from ssi and disability, and my son's benefits.........all add up to such a wonderful amount that they assume I'm above poverty.

LOL......I don't think so.

Amazing, isn't it, how life never goes how you expect, ever?
[sigh]

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}

If I really listen to my body, I will not go to work. I will sleep until I can't anymore and then some.

How I wish I could.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[Peanut61]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[heatherm]

(((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))

Please know that I am thinking of you hun. Find the strength in you that is there to take the next step. If I can do it, I know you can.

Love you xoxo


Heather

[LadyDragus]

I am here for you, if you need my shouler..

you hve my numbers ok..
use them if needed ok

<font color=red>
I am not worthy of your love
I am not worthy of life
Let me die
Let me die, just let me die

[ErinBear]

Hi Mary Alice,

Even if you attended spending counseling alone, you might still learn some tricks which would help you, and they might be able to help you with bankruptcy filing, if necessary, or they could set up payment management so that you would not need to file for bankruptcy. Most areas have a consumer agency which helps with things like that. It is a non-profit thing and I think they would charge little if any fees.

As far as food goes, there are some food pantries in our area which give out food just as requested - all you have to do is say you are in need. I hope there are some like that where you are. We also have some low-cost grocery programs here where you pay a certain amount and periodically get a box of groceries (I think once a month, or maybe every two weeks). I think that might be offered through the Catholic Church but I'm not sure. Anyway, it's not based on need....anybody can participate. But you get a huge box of food for maybe $10, much more than you could buy normally. At our local site they also give out free bread and baked goods from a bakery. I visited the site once and helped out. It's a great program.

I'm just trying to think of ideas. I know it isn't much help, but I want to see you get through this.

I guess I'm wondering, from the various things you've described, if you've considered going on disability yourself. That might make more complications in some ways, but it sure would be easier on your health, and it also might make you and your family eligible for other services too, like a housing subsidy. You would have less income, but you'd also have less expenses (like you wouldn't have to spend $40 on gas for the commute). I wonder if you've talked about this with your doctor(s)? It sounds like you have multiple health problems, both physical and psychological, which might qualify you for disability. I am on disability, and it was a difficult change in many ways, but it was the right thing to do for me.

Take care,
ErinBear

[PlanningtoLive]

I've been worried about you, Heather. It doesn't feel like I can do much these days except hang on by my teeth.

xoxooooooooxox

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Trish}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks. I just got the totals from my work week: 69.97. Think that is too much in one week? [sigh]

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Erin}}}}}}}}}}}

Bankruptcy would be best - I know this. There is no way I can afford to pay back in anyway the stuff I have from years ago and now.

We frequent the food pantries now, but you are only allowed to go so many times in a month as they are low on supplies and I'm not really in a big town here. Salvation Army helps out somewhat and my former caseworker gave me numbers to call and we do.

As for disability, I am awaiting my hearing in front of a judge - I filed one year ago in May. They will not set a date until 13 months from my last appeal, which makes it the end of this year, beginning of next. I send them info as I receive it with no acknowledgement from them.

I called once, just to make sure that they had received something and they told me they don't even touch my file until after the waiting period. They just put the info in there. My back surgeon finally after all this time has agreed that disability would be best for me - before this he refused to put it in his notes. My primary doc already made it possible for me to have a permanent handicap parking tag.

The problem is I'm working, and working alot. They don't realize that I have no choice - pain or not - I have to do it. I won't have my family in the street. I know they prefer you not to be working at all, nothing, for at least a year.

The first time they turned me down was because "we do not believe that your condition will last more than one year"..........hello????? I now have permanent leg damage and four back surgeries under my belt plus my brain is turning to mush these days........[sigh].

It took me awhile to even file because I couldn't come to terms with it, but I have now. I can still work part time, but at least I can take care of me - no one else does - and have time with my son. I'm working on it.

Btw, thank you for the thoughts and input. Keep them coming.........maybe an objective person can see something I'm missing.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hugs from you, Hippo and baby Fuzzy please??

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard