i slipped up(may trigger)

So i haven't cut for a while, i was doing really good for like a year and then it all started again and it wasn't so bad, but i was disappointed with myself. Then i went on holiday so i made a very good effort not to SH in the lead up. Once i got on holiday i had really bad urges to cut but i couldnt, i had a few panic attacks whilst trying to get to sleep (and felt really bad for keeping my bf awake.although i didn't tell him about my urges to cut)

So i got through my holiday without cutting and i thought the first thing i'd do when i got home was relieve my urges but i managed to not SH and i've been back for about 2 weeks and i slipped up on friday and gave in. I don't know what to do...this week i've just been so down and i can't tell ANYONE..my bf is so great with me but i just physically can't speak about my problems, it's probably one of the reasons i get so down...plus even if i do manage to speak...i can't put my thoughts into words. If i write stuff down i just end up binning it because it's crap. So i'm stuck now.

I have a terrible time speaking my feelings. I often write it out and hand it to my husband. I used to have to leave the room while he read it but now I usually stay in the same room. I am getting better at speaking it though. I hate the way my throat will close up and I just can't say anything. It is a helpless sort of feeling. I want to speak but physically can't.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

Yes, that's exactly it...it makes me feel so stupid and dumb and i feel like i'm ignoring my bf but all i can do is nod, shrug and shake my head - it's an effort to even push out a yes or no.

I don't know why this is the case, i think it's maybe because i've never REALLY been encouraged by my parents to speak about my problems, i have a fairly good relationship with my parents but i'm expected to talk to them if i have problems and i'm very good at hiding them from my parents. We get on well, i just never really speak to them about ANYTHING. I wrote a letter to my mum a couple of years ago telling her about my SH and she was concerned but didn't know how to deal with it and it kinda just got swept under the carpet.

My mom didn't want to deal with it. Once my friend and I put our beer in the frig. We were 16 at the time. Mom came home early while my friend and I were in the woods smoking cigars. She found the beer. When we got back Mom said to me "I don't want to deal with this now or ever." I never got in trouble. Didn't get grounded. Nothing. My friends thought this was ever so cool. They thought I had the best parents. They didn't understand just how devestating it is to not rate high enough for you parents to spend the time to give a good punishment when you are caught red handed. It makes a person feel invisible. Insubstantial. Like nothing of importance. Sometimes I can't speak not because of what I might say may make my hubby mad but rather because he may not care at all.
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

it's perfectly fine to slip up. actually, i slipped up just this past week. haven't told anyone about it and don't really plan to. i know what you mean by not being able to voice your thougts. i could tell my mom, but she'd either forget or just wouldn't care. it hasn't really been promoted to voice how i'm feeling in my family, so i just don't bother. they'd make a joke of it.

but that's just my rant for the day. thought i'd say something for once. anyway, g'nite, or morning. (((hugs)))

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', '****', and 'Colon'." -Chris Rock"

Yeah my family would also probably not take it seriously...and because of working for my dad in the summer I know will probably NEVER tell them because he works for an oil company and deals with the guys who go offshore. Alot of them are off sick because of depression or stress and him and his colleague were saying "oh bla bla bla i'm stressed...they're stressed what the ******, thats not a real reason" or "oh emotional problems, wise the ****** up or get a grip." and i was just sat there not knowing what to say!

Also they were making fun of a guy who tried to kill himself and that made me really really angry, not that i have tried it, i just hate how most people can just laugh that off!!

((((hugs to everyone))))

Thanks for the replies...glad to know i'm not the only one who can't speak!